And more on snooping, from ILM.....

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HEre is what I posted a day ago on another thread (reply to a woman):
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No fire for fire.
Fire is a clean and noble essence. Use it for a good purpose.

No snooping. Everyone can excel in it -- but just imagine how every step in this direction is ruining the trust (whatever is left). Imagine what wil you feel if you really succeed and learn something? There won't be anything really new -- but for sure there will be may little things that can take you to a deeper level in hell (or whatever hierarchy they have there). Until you learn it, you have a tremendous advantage which you will lose instantly: whatever lucid picture comes to your mind about them, you can always tell yourself that this is your imagination, that in reality it's different, that this is your mind playing tricks on you. But if you're seeking proof -- you'll get something. Not necessariy what you expected, but the least wanted nevertheless.

The most terrible thing that can happen -- you can find "something" and interpret it your way, in light of all other events - while in reality it can be something diferent. And it will grow as a snowball. remember Otello?

And if you find something, you'll have a choice of either going insane over it yourself or discussing it with your H. The first is unbearable, the latter can be the end of everything. Unless you're looking for a weapon to use in the war you declared, don't do it.

I stand by every letter of the following:

no matter what terrible things they are doing, no matter how insensitive they seem, they have their share of guilt, and it's not too little. If you give nothing but love, it can grow so big that it will become unbearable. If you begin demanding and accusing, they are relieved and feel more even. Your H's life is not easy. His relationship with the OW is not heaven, while he knows that you're suffering but still above it, but still want to understand and forgive him, still love him. The minute you begin acting as an enemy (snooping, playing games, accusing him) you change it for him: the situation is no longer under his control, he is threatened with an enemy, the war is declared, he has to protect himself, the Ow is an ally.

Don't ask me how to bear this uncertainty, this every day pain of thinking about them, the lies, the complete unpredictability of the future, the fear of making a wrong move... I wish I knew it myself... Perhaps, antidepressant drugs can do you good (I am inclined to begin this again myself)... The cooler and stronger you are, the better are the odds. How else can you be atractive and respected, unless you retain your dignity and love as the highest values?

And kindness... It matters...


JJ

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