On snooping, from Zebra.....


Well, (leaning back and cracking my knuckles), I consider myself an expert on the topic of snooping.

It's not a good thing. It colors your judgement. It doesn't allow you to be the best you can be. In my case, where there is actually a torrid PA going on, it kept the OM in my head, where he ran my life. Snooping makes you believe you are in control, but in fact, your are totally controlled by things beyond your control. Snooping is an addiction. It is a drug. And worst of all, it's a drug that only makes you feel worse. And even worse than that, if you really find any proof that your W is having an affair, and she finds out you have violated her privacy by snooping, guess who is considered to be the more untrustworthy????? YOU ARE!!!! Yeah, the logic is dumb, but the logic of an affair is ridiculous.

Stay out of her email. I know, that's hard. You probably won't follow that advice, but it's best for you if you do. Then, you will be able to "act as if" there is no affair, and "act as if" your wife is truly trying to get back together. If you snoop, and you learn that she's having an affair, it will likely color you judgement, and not allow you to "act as if". You will be simmering under the surface, and the OM will be running your life.

As for showing her the emails, think about it, what good would that do???? Probably none, since you would only show her you don't trust her, and show her you don't respect her privacy. This is beyond backsliding. I know. I'm there. If it caused you to, as you say, plan your own walk-away, is that what you really want?????

Stop obsessing about W and her maybe EA/PA. Be good to you, make yourself the man your W wants to be with. Make you the man your W wants. Make you the best you can be, and if W goes away, you will still be the best you can be. Leave her alone. Respect her. Love her. Love you. Be the best you can be.

Good luck. Read this board. You'll learn you are not alone, and you'll learn ideas that will help you. But, the most important thing is that if you are not the best you can be, you can't help anyone.

Good luck


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