I had a similar situation in my relationship. Through the methods described in Divorce Busting it was possible for me to change myself to the type of person that my wife now adores ( and of course, my feelings for her are mutual). Basically, my wife always loved and admired the good things about me but chose to not live with me due my clouded alternate side, which, over time, showed itself more and more. I was grumpy, short sighted, given to temperamental outbursts, self-absorbed (actually, I was blatantly selfish) and totally given to making money. I don’t blame my wife for leaving me. When I look back at the way I was, I would have left me too!
My wife and I have been back together now since August, 1999 after being separated for eight months. During the eight months that we were apart, I made numerous, positive, consistent and, ultimately, permanent changes. These were changes that I wanted to make. I began to feel better because I was a happier and better person. It took my wife leaving me to get me to realize what and who I had become and that, no matter what, I needed to change.
I learned to change my tactics of contact with my wife. The toughest part of being apart from my wife was keeping my cool around her when I had the chance talk to her or be with her. I was probably in a similar emotional state as you are now.
I believe the most important and useful method of getting your wife back (as your wife)is to pull yourself away from the relationship as a husband and become a complete and total friend. This is incredibly hard to accomplish but, if attained, will set you apart from nearly every other man I know(at least among those who don’t access this site). Most men do what comes naturally, initially……..we let our self-absorbed emotions become the driving force in trying to get another chance. If you can show your wife absolute friendship and support and put your selfish emotions in the closet when you are in contact with her, your chances of another relationship with your wife will be greatly enhanced. Becoming a friend when you really want to be a husband can be an arduous task. Right now, your wife won’t trust you as a husband, but she will trust you as a friend, if you truly are a friend. It is very tough to be unfriendly to someone who is friendly. Think about friendship. Not just casual friendship, but sincere, true, unconditional friendship. What a great place to begin a new and better relationship.
My wife told me that my pledge to unconditional friendship was what brought back the first feelings of love. My wife was looking for parts of the man, to whom she was originally drawn, to be manifested. I tried to allow her see the good part of me that I knew was buried deep within myself. I tried to present myself in the finest light possible while continuing to work on becoming that person for real. Sometimes I would ask myself if it was worth the effort. Changing oneself, permanently, is a long, hard process. I knew, in my heart, that my wife was the person with whom I wished to be for the rest of my life…..and this made the effort so worthwhile.
Now, after being back together for nine months, my wife and I have the most incredible friendship, partnership and marriage. We both look back on the separation as a time of learning and growth rather than a dark period.
The possibilities of getting back together with your wife are very good. I believe that much of the burden of the getting-back-together-process will, however, be on your shoulders. You will have to pull strength from within yourself when you feel you have none. You may feel like venting. When you feel like letting go make sure you do it at home or somewhere away from your wife. The times you spend at home crying in the shower alone may seem terrible. It is much worse to vent in front of your wife. Believe in yourself and in your mission. Make your changes consistent and permanent. Start immediately! Don’t give your wife another chance to validate the reason that she left. Give her reasons to come back.
As long as there is a small burning ember of care for you in the heart of your wife, I believe you can start the fire again. Take it slowly, be patient and give yourself plenty of time. Time is always on your side whether is seems to be or not.
Don’t give in and don’t give up.
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