I can relate so much to your feelings about your marriage. I started posting here I think last May. My original post, like yours was mainly about my stale marriage and I asked for help in "rekindling" the fire. I bought Michele's book "Divorce Busting" right off the internet. It saved not only my marriage, but ME!
I too asked my H if he was happy, but my H said no. He told me he loved me, but he didn't think he wanted to be married or a dad anymore. He felt terrible about these feelings but he needed to express them. Well after many long months and me working my butt off, we have "rekindled" the fire. Some very simple steps on my part I feel saved us.
1) I have made a deliberate decision to greet him at the door every day when he gets home from work. This was my first step and boy did it spark a light in his eye the first day I did it. I used to let the kids run to him yelling "Daddy's home, Daddy's home". I'd carrying on with what ever I was doing (cooking, cleaning, talking on the phone) and merely say "Hi honey". Sometimes a kiss, most times not! Greeting him at the door with a kiss, a hug and a smile, brought on the affection I needed from him as well. Key: Make the first move, show him you are happy to see him. Show him that coming home to you will bring sweet rewards.
2)I focused on only positive aspects of my day to talk about, knowing that he has very stressful days at work. I used to try to make my days seem more stressful than his, in hopes of relieving his stress and showing him that he is not the only one having bad days. I realized from my readings (Divorce Busting) that this was actually adding to his stress and making him more irritable and stressed and maybe even contributed to his coming home later, and later and later. (Sometimes not till 9:00 at night. Now he is home by 6:00 and that would be a late night for him. Many nights he is home by 5:00)Key: Create a comforting, positive environment for him at home. He needs to see you and his home as a safe place. Safe from stress and negativity. He gets that the minute he leaves starting with traffic, then customers, bills, employees, and all their issues. Be his safe haven and create a calm, comfortable positive home for him to come home to. Make him not want to leave. It will work.
3)Do or read or go somewhere new each day. It will help you to keep growing and blossoming and will get rid of the "staleness" in your own self. I have two young children and I am a stay at home mom. I am not a shopper so my days are not real exciting. I am content, but there wasn't much conversation to offer to my h when he would get home. So first I began to read. I got Divorce Busting first. At first it was awkward to talk about "relationship" stuff with him, but I found he was really open to the conversation and we started to rekindle our relationship and began to reconnect on areas of our relationship that we had taken for granted. Which brought me to number 4.
4) Spend more time away. We had stopped getting away alone. I had been getting a babysitter every weekend, but it seemed we were both bored going out on the same old dates. (Dinner, movie, home) So, one weekend a while back, I planned a trip to a hotel, got us both booked for massages (our firsts) and surprised him. He was so delighted. Since then we have gotten away alot. We went camping, went to Canada four-wheeling. We have been like two new people who just started dating. Remember when you used to go away together on little weekenders when you first met. Remember how great it felt to "get away". Well it still does. Make the time, surprise him, and get away. Key: Show him you want him now just as much as when you first met. Have fun, be playful.
5)The sex thing. In my situation, I, like many women, let him do all the iniating and foreplay. Well without going into graphic detail, when I changed this part of my marriage and became more creative and playful and iniated sex more, my H, needless to say was like a bee with his own honey pot. You want to see a sparkle in a man's eye, put on a sexy nighty and tell him you want him. And you start the back rub, and don't let him touch you until you have touched every inch of him with your hands and maybe even your tongue. Key: Put him into his most secretive fantasy, make him think only about you and the night before the next day while he is at work. It is possible, make it happen.
6)Send flowers, cards, emails, lunches with notes on the napkin. Anything little that will remind him you love him on a daily basis.
Sorry this got kind of long, but these are just a few suggestions. Once you start going, you'll surely have some of your own creative ways to put a sparkle back in his eye. And wait till you see how your changed behavior will affect him, it will make you want to come up with more and more ways to spoil him and you will have a great time doing all these new things. Have fun and I am glad your son is doing well too! You sound like a dedicated wife and mom. Make sure you take care of you too!
Glad to meet you.
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