Here's something from a post from MJR

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Question:
Do you love her & want to make things work?

If you do, I would not allow your anger (which is understandable that you have now), influence how you treat her at this time. I know it must be hard living in the same home, yet 'separate'. If you really love her & want to work things out, I WOULD NOT WITHHOLD SUPPORT from her. This would be an angry & retaliatory action. No way she could perceive it otherwise. Read some other threads on here. Read especially the success stories. See what has worked for others. From what I have seen, several key things that seem to have turned around others relationships are:

1. LOVINGLY detatch & give them space.

2. Work on yourself - treat yourself good. Go out & do things you enjoy, work out, get involved in a hobby or take a class, dress nicely according to your taste...on & on. If you feel you have things you need to work out - consider counseling w/ an SBT counselor in your area.

3. Read & practice DBing.

4. Offer your friendship, w/o expecting anything in return. Be there for her if she comes to you for help, or a shoulder to lean on.

5. After reading DBing, identify YOUR more of the same behaviors. Remind yourself of the results...STOP that & replace it w/ new behavior that works. Make a plan for how you will deal w/ situations as they arise.

6. Let her know you love her & want to work things out - but once you have stated that - leave it alone.

7. SHOW her - don't tell her - you are changing.

8. Continue to come to this BB.

9. Build yourself a network of support: this BB, family, friends - & use it!

10. Be thankful for 'baby steps' of progress.

11. Be consistent - when she starts to notice change, it's important that she gets a chance to see that it will be lasting.

12. Reward her efforts & good behavior, WITH A REWARD SHE WILL LIKE.

DON'T:

1. Push her to make a decision, let her come to that point.

2. Don't repeat yourself, or repeat requests for change.

3. Don't cry, beg, plead or do anything else to sound desperate.

4. Don't make unnecessary contact w/ her - she will interpret this as pushing / chasing.

5. Don't respond to her in anger, or w/ bitterness (instead respond in love).

6. Don't let her push your buttons (more of the same behavior) You will need to ID your buttons & how she pushes them, & be prepared w/ a NEW response.

7. Don't sit around & feel sorry for yourself (I know, easier said than done). When you do - pick yourself up & do something!

8. Don't expect results overnight, it took time to get where you are, & will take time to correct it.

9. Don't give up!

10. If you backslide (which I think we all do) don't let it get you down...just identify your mistake, make a new plan for how to avoid it in the future, & go on!


JJ

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