(From Sheri) The distance is mostly why my H had an affair -- I wasn't there for him. So I'm starting to get confused on what I really need to do. On the other hand, I've always been available to him. I'm no longer available - I sometimes don't answer the phone, if I know he is calling, I take the phone off the hook, ect. But now I feel that he is drifting further away. I should do what my gut tells me, since every person is different. I just don't want to make this situation any worse then it is. Sheri
(From ILM) Sheri, it is not the distance why they have an affair. If you were, say, sick, or away from home ar work, or busy -- this is all what makes them/us see it as an obstacle and want the company even more.
You were available for him and he still had an affair -- perhaps, there was something else, like hostility, in you beeng there for him? And something more important than simply physical presence was missing?
What makes them feel abandoned, deprived of love, unappreciated is something else -- when you withold your love as a punishment, or abandon them when you have choice and when they say "please, stay, I need you now" -- but you don't care about it and go where it's more interesting. It is also when you don't talk as friends -- most of us seem to go throught the same, lack of time, kids, careers -- and all of a sudden we discover that we live in a house with a roomamate, noticing his.her presence only when he/she does something "wrong" -- then we open the moth to say something nasty.
What works to bring others closer is when you stay far enough to be not annoying and remain close enough to be there for them when they feel they want to talk or just be with you.
As one good friend of mine (and women, friends, children, dogs -- all always seek his company, and he is very warm and caring but never intrusive) put it once: "The secret is to show that you're interested but don't really "need" it".
In other words, when you keep the distamce, make sure it is a friendly distance: when you don't answer teh phone, he doesn't need to know that you did it on purpose, all he has to know is that you were not there -- what a pity!
When in doubt, always imagine yourself in his shoes: if you knew that he doesn't answer the phone on purpose, that when you try to reach out, he pushes you away -- would you continue your attempts to establish a contact, especially, it you were not very interested? And now imagine the opposite: when you are trying to reach him, there are obstacles, and very friendly he says that he would really like to get together (== he has no bad felings toward you), but what a pity! he has to be somewhere else instead. Keeping you in limbo -- if there is always a promise on the other end but obstacles to overcome, doesn't it make the desired things even more desired?
Again -- TWO steps forward, ONE step back -- not vice versa.
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