Pursuer/Distancer is a dynamic that is present in alot of relationships. My realization of this started in much the same way of alot of folks here.
As my relationship was deep sixing, I was pursuing W big time. I was after her about everything. I responded to all her comments quickly. Sexually, I was after her every night. I was sitting at home waiting around for her arrival. SHE HATED IT.
My realization that I was pushing her away came in waves. 1st thing DBing made me realize was to stop all the crap that was having a negative affect. Not slow it down, stop it! This realization came in the 1st wave. I pretty much retreated into my cave. I basically started leaving her alone until I could devise a new plan. This wave was the beginning of the end of my pursuit.
About the same time, other personal issues were coming to light for me. I harbored alot of anger and resentment in general. Some of it came from my past. Some of it came from my R with W. I resented her for not giving as much as I had given to the R. She was not what I thought a good mother should be. I did'nt say these things to her, but I guess it began to show in our daily interactions. Never forget, resentment begets lack of respect. This issue had little to do with pursuer/distancer but is important to show how seemingly small issues can build on each other and build on themselves over time. I had to let go of this resentment thing or all would be lost. It is impossible to save your M if your harboring resentment.
The next wave came after several angels started telling me the same thing. I may be slow but I'm not an idiot. The words I was hearing were that I was putting way to much effort into the R. I was trying to support it on my shoulders, thus releiving W of her responsibility. Even Michele saw it after a 30 second conversation with me and W. The lightbulb clicked on and I immediately started to back down on all fronts. I stopped iniating conversations with W that had anything to do with us. I started mysteriously going out at night or coming home late from work. I always let her know I was going out but remained dim about the details. If she pressed me I would stay dim and tell her I had some thinking to do.
The more I backed away, the more W stepped up to the plate. This realization was the final wave. Pursuer/distancer dynamic was a heavy duty tool in my DB tool belt.
This will not be true for all. However the process of discovery is the same for all. It's hard work to recover your wits and start experimenting with different techniques, but you gotta do it. If none of it works, don't presume your a failure. If your spouse has hardened their heart to you, you may have to wait for a while. Time usually changes things. Intense situations almost always return to calm. Patience is the greatest virtue one can adopt.
Sorry for being long winded.
Read about Divorce Busting« Telephone Coaching here!