I constantly try to imagine that my W is not my spouse with an obligation to me, but rather a person that is out there on her own.
At first I imagined her as a babysitter or a nanny (our only contact was to pick up and drop off D).
Then I imagined her as a confused neighbour who had a lot of things to figure out on her own
She became a friend who trusted me to listen and cared for her wellbeing. I had no other expectations other than offer a friendly shoulder to that woman and to hear her out
We have moved on to being friends who started being somewhat romantically involved. I still needed to think of her as a nanny and a confused neighbour and a casual friend, while catching glimpses of something more
We are currently dear friends, perhaps more, building a new relationship on the ashes of the old one that is no more. We are talking about reconciling - and that's why it is important to still treat her as a girlfriend, who hasn't fully committed to spending the rest of her life with me.
This visualization process has greatly helped me in coping with the situation and in putting things into perspective that allows more loving detachment and less expectations. It's the unreasonable expectations that hurt us the most as they are unfulfilled by our WAS's, perhaps unintentionally.