I feel very strong today; a bit sad but very positive. I sent my W draft settlement papers yesterday. It was a hard decision. It is time.
It has been 14 months since my bomb. There is no indication that she is reconsidering her path. When we first separated I thought we would be back together in a few months at most. Her life revolved around the kids and I thought “sharing” them between households would cause her to reconsider. It did not. I showed the kids a great summer and the kids asked her when I was coming home – she told them I was not. I really thought the holidays would bring us together, but no. Not spending Christmas morning with her children? Did not matter. Her mom got sick and she needed support but still no move towards me. She went to the emergency room just before Christmas with severe reaction to stress – still no second guessing. She engaged an attorney last October. My mom got sick and she hardly showed up to support her.
Along the way I was hoping and praying and I was in pain. But along the way I went from focusing on her to focusing on me and my life. I reached the top of that hill called detachment. Now I see my situation more objectively. It is time.
I still vacillate emotionally but the swings are not as pronounced; more like a kayak in a fast moving stream with challenging rapids rather than a rollercoaster.
It takes 18 months to get to trial here so it is to my advantage to move it along now that I see my situation more objectively. There is also a liberating feeling to take charge and in fact do things for me for a change. Plus I can steer the negotiations some.
The alternative is to put my life on hold another year. It was a hard decision. It is time.
She still desires a D, she has made that clear. But she does not have the fortitude to draft up the agreements. She wants to run away. She just wants me to go away. Or is it that she really does not want the D deep down? I do not believe so; I cannot read her mind so there is doubt but her actions do not support a change in her course. She *needs* the D – she just does not want to deal with the process (even though she has a lawyer). That hurts me.
So I have decided to *push* the legal D. It is what she wants, based on ALL indications and her actions; not what I THINK she MAY be feeling as she deals with her pain and MLC elements. I am still trying to affect the emotional divorce; that is different from the legal one. All I know is to support her now as best I can. Maybe the draft settlement papers will affect her. And she will have to negotiate and process the papers so that may affect her. But I really doubt it. False hope is a poison that I do not want to take again.
I still believe that I would consider trying again if she makes any indication she is willing. But trying again becomes less attractive to me as time passes.
It is time. It was a hard decision. My sun is shining.