Hey, Boo, I am around.

Things are weird for me right now, but I am just trying to push on through. Have the last of the things to divide and conquer, last of the issues to be resolved before this mess is all put to bed. I am really out of energy dealing with this post-divorce crap and tired of having to invest so much into getting this marriage dissolved when this was not of my making, but alas, this is where I find myself.

In the meantime, met a nice man, with whom I had much in common. We shared alot of personal information, confided feelings and thoughts in one another. He never pushed it in the direction of a "romance", for which I was grateful, because I realized I wasn't yet ready, nonetheless we had gotten close. But over time, those feelings of not being ready and not wanting to mislead, together with a nagging voice saying something is not what it seems with him, compelled me to pull away. Lo and behold, in the course of a very emotional and angst ridden conversation on his part in which he was questioning my pulling away, he finally came clean and admitted that for the last 6 months he has conveniently failed to make any mention of the wife he has...but he "didn't lie to me" doncha know?

So, no offense to present company, but I am pretty well convinced that the last decent man on earth is my dad. Or Lissett's. But that's the extent of it. The well has been tapped.

Again, not that it matters, cause I'm not ready, but it's a pisser nonetheless to think all guys are either MLC's in progress or fixin to.

As to your question about a sinking spell post execution of the decree, I probably had one of those, but it didn't hit me as hard as I thought it would. Maybe it's still out there waiting to smack me in the head. I did have several friends who said, "let's celebrate!" and I politely declined and said, "I'm not exactly there yet."

The harder thing for me, which you guys don't ever have to endure, has been changing my name back. I struggle with saying my maiden name, with writing it. And every time I have some conflict arise because of it, like cashing a check say, I teeter on the brink of a meltdown. The other day at the bank, I looked at a teller who was questioning my right to deposit a check in my former name, and SNAPPED MY FINGERS, right in front of her face, and said, "Lady, when you get divorced, these things just don't change over JUST LIKE THAT."

Take a drop?

Oh baby, there are drops and there are drops...

You just deal with it as best you can.

You'll be fine.

You don't want to hear our horoscope for today, Boo, it's all about compassion, forgiveness, letting bygones be bygones.

So not in the mood for that.

kisses,
BA


"Go where your best prayers take you." -- Frederick Buechner