Thank you for replying. One thing is for sure. If those that come here learn nothing else, they learn this: STOP PURSUING!
Easy to say but so hard to do. The last email I sent my W was on Thursday and I have had no contact since then. She has not replied to my email nor has she called me. Just as well I think; I don't think I'm ready for that at the moment. It's funny, not that long ago there wasn't a person on the planet that I felt more comfortable around. Now when I see her it's like it is like a first date.
She was scheduled to return from her business trip. I assume she is home but as I said I haven't heard from her. I think an email saying she was home safe is the least she could do, but I guess not. I am sure she is much too busy with OM tonight. After all, they haven't seen each other in almost a week. Makes me ill to think about.
I know I am getting better because I actually eat now. Through this ordeal I have dropped 30 pounds. I am not complaining, but it isn't a diet I would recommend to anyone.
I had a pretty good day today. Went to the mall, which is something I had been putting off for a while. I got a new job that starts on May 1st and I needed new clothes. At one time I was going to ask her if she would go with me and help me pick them out. I laugh at that idea now. I don't want to even see her anymore. She doesn't wear her ring anymore, but I still do. I choose not to let her adultery affect what I think is right. I will wear my ring until the divorce is final. Only then will it come off.
Oh, before I started shopping I went and saw the movie 300. Great movie,glad I caught it in the theater.
So I bought a lot of new clothes, all by myself. I hate shopping, especially for clothes so it was an accomplishment. And as I was walking out of the mall I passed a stationary/card store. Felt like it was no coincidence. I walked past it, then stopped and went back. Inside, I found what I needed -- my very own journal. It is sitting next to me right now, and I am excited to make my first entry.
Knowing that she is with OM right now and being completely powerless is maybe the most pain I have ever had to endure. I am the farthest possible thing from her mind right now, and that hurts too. She got off her plane today and couldn't wait to see HIM.
I thought about something else today that made me sad. All the people who 'stand' for their marriage and eventually end up reconciling, I wondered whether I would feel as though I was her consolation prize. Like, she really wanted it to work out with OM but for whatever reason it didn'tan but it's okay because I can always fall back on good ol' H. I think I would feel like a sucker. One last thought on this. I think it must empower (not sure on that spelling!) The WAS to know that they can always just return to the LBS if things don't work out for them the way they'd like. If it was me I would think, "heck, I am going to try dating a few people! I mean why not? If it doesn't work out I can always go beck to LBS!"
It seems like it has to be part of their thought process, ESPECIALLY if the LBS is telling them that they are going to stand for their marriage.
Okay, this is certainly enough for today plus I want to break the seal on my new journal!!
Thanks once again for being my refuge.
Me-38 W-31 No Kids Bomb-10/10/06 She moved out very soon after, and is filing for divorce very soon.