Just want to journal some.

In a real good place right now. Still have detaching to do but I feel great. W continues to try to press my buttons but I just say "it is perfectly okay; it is her, nothing to do with me".

I am not sure her hurting me is intentional. Part of it is b/c she is still angry b/c in her mind I caused all this. But the other part is that she is increasingly uncomfortable around me (guilt?) and stumbles over her words - sometimes saying something that comes out wrong and hateful, but she is quick to correct. Interesting.

Bad news - S9 was over my apartment Sunday playing hard and he jammed his finger. At least I thought it was a jam at the time. I emailed W Monday when I returned the kids to her. Finger got worse and W took him to the doc Tuesday. She immediately called me: turns out it is broken and she was on her way to a bone doctor. When W was talking to me she sort of grilled me about what happened. I tried to fill in the detail but she kept on. Finally she said "I just need the info b/c the doc may ask - I know you did not hurt him". Then she backed off and said "I know he was just playing".

This is an example of what mean. It had no affect at the time but last night it did for some reason (you guys are right: I still have detaching to do ISLH and nicola). Today I am fine b/c I think she was just angry and stressed out.

W also 'forgot' to tell me about D6 singing at the PTA meeting last night. Again, was it intentional or stress? Does it really matter?

Although S9 will miss some baseball he is 'thrilled' about the cast on his hand. Seems it is much bigger than you would expect. Makes you popular at school I guess. That is a good way to view what should be negative. I can learn from my son.

More bad news: a good friend at work had to see after his mom in the hospital. Colon cancer. He called me several times and it sounded like a replay of my mom. The medical decisions he had to make - slow recovery from surgery/illness - reactions to drugs - his mom wanting to give up - finding her a rehab facility. He thanked me for sharing what I went through with my mom. But then he asked how did I do it? He had his brother and his brother's family there helping full time and he is not going through a divorce so his family was there for him also. He said he admired me. I never considered that - I was dwelling on the negative, not how strong I really was.

Last journal entry: I asked my W for some summer clothes for the kids. She asked for money. I emailed her and said no problem but the child support I was paying was to cover clothes. Actually I do not send her a check fo the kids - I pay her house payment and some expenses that equals (exceeds really) the child support requirement. But she asked "I don't want to make you mad but what bills are you paying and how much are they and what is the child support requirement?" She did not have a clue.

I replied with all the info. I felt strong and in control but I also resented doing all the work here. After all she is the one who wants this D. She should know what bills I am paying and what the court specifies for child support. It will be difficult to settle with her if she does not do any legwork to get the facts.

But she always relied on me to take charge so I guess I will soldier on. I still feel good about taking charge of the paperwork. And I feel that I am supporting her and my family by being the leader here. I feel it is my responsibility as a man.

So, life continues. Need to make the tax man happy, buy Easter candy, and put the finishing touches on my draft D-paperwork. More later.

Strength and Honor.


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