I can remember not wanting to be alone (in the house, my car, a restaurant, etc.) and felt awful. My IC emphasized the need to "self-soothe" (not rely on others for comfort) and I had to work hard to get better about being solo. It does take conscious, sustained effort. Having made it safely back to enjoying time alone, I can't recommend enough that you put this work in.
Pick things you know you enjoy. For me, it is movies, music, books, and red wine. Or, shooting around a basketball court alone. Whatever you know you enjoy almost every time you do it. Start there and, eventually for me at least, I got comfortable dealing with some amount of anxiety, sadness, and depression on my own. You're not completely giving up your family and friends. For me, I wanted to give them a break from listening to me or propping me up. I hope you can find ways to occupy your mind when all alone.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I'm putting this guidance from DnJ in a big (figurative) frame in my mind (and you should too Jessie):
“When you speak like that, when you are disrespectful, I will simply go elsewhere. I will not talk with, nor listen to you when you are like that.”
Any rebuttal from H does not matter. You didn’t ask him to change. You simply told him what you are going to do if/when he is disrespectful. You placed the responsibilities and accountability upon his shoulders. All you do is take your actions accordingly.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
As others have said, talk with the attorney you referenced. Talk with 3-4 more that offer free consultations. When I was searching for an L, I got lots of great information from each of the 5 with whom I spoke. Lots of what they shared overlapped, but each offered some unique wisdom about specific topics. Nobody will take care of you as well as you can yourself with the decisions you make for yourself right now. Let your L tell you what best to do in your situation.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Yesterday W asked to talk, and we had a civil discussion about the process and what happens next. .....Between the DB book, website, and countless other sources of material I've consumed, it's remarkable how predictable certain responses are.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
The truth of the matter is when a woman loses attraction for a man it rarely returns. If it does it is usually when a man is killing it in life and would have zero desire to take her back. That's the catch-22 of this entire process.
Realize right now that it is going to take a really long time to uncouple yourself with her and a really long time before you are ready to date and a really long time before you find someone that fits into your new world. There are no shortcuts. Use your time wisely. Are you in your best shape physically? Have you learned what women want in a man? Have you figured out your purpose?
I promise you if you master these things you will find what you are looking for in life. If not, you may be still here ten years later complaining about what your wife is still doing to you and your family.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Why are you apologizing to someone who is having an EA on you (and your kids)?
Why are you engaging her at all?
Give yourself grace because little of this feels intuitive or natural when you are LBS.
When she says she wants to separate -- Yeah W. This situation does not work for me et all, either. I am making plans and moving ahead accordingly.
If she asks what ? I'm checking with a lawyer about my rights and options, I am separating my finances from yours, and I am going to see X, Y and Z for Easter with the kids.
Do not under any circumstances base your actions on her reactions or what you believe will be her reactions to your actions. That is controlling, manipulative, and co-dependent. If she acts cold or angry or whatever at you, so be it. Hear what she says, and validate her feelings. But do not be influenced or subordinate to them.
Don't tip toe or walk on eggshells or worry about the reaction of someone who is trampling all over your marriage by having an affair.
What are you trying to "achieve"? I still keep reading about she and her.
Your goal and focus should be to save, protect, and better yourself and your kids from her boundary violations.
Paraphrasing her, what do you want out of your life? To be with someone who does not value you and your efforts for your family?
What would she need to do to in order to have a chance at another relationship with you?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
If you ever wonder about how the work on this forum affects peoples lives, I'm here to tell it helped me immensely. I found these bits of wisdom because I started with the stickies and worked my way back. The threads of quotes and Sandi2's were especially valuable. Every time I found one that resonated, I would track it back to the source and read through. All those 2X4s to other people helped ME! Thank you.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
