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DW17 #2938446 10/18/22 03:30 PM
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Originally Posted by DW17
Just finished reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. I wish I had read it a month ago.
For it to have had any kind of an impact you would have had to read it probably like two decades ago.

DW17 #2938459 10/18/22 06:37 PM
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LH19 - Oh for sure. I'm referring to the current confusion/walking on eggshells/afraid of upsetting my W stuff the past few weeks. But you are correct, for that to have impacted my actual relationship, as with most books I've been reading, I'm 15+ years too late.


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DW17 #2938460 10/18/22 06:41 PM
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Originally Posted by DW17
LH19 - Oh for sure. I'm referring to the current confusion/walking on eggshells/afraid of upsetting my W stuff the past few weeks. But you are correct, for that to have impacted my actual relationship, as with most books I've been reading, I'm 15+ years too late.
Ok so now you know. What changes?

DW17 #2938463 10/18/22 07:16 PM
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There are a lot of things that change for me. I think the biggest things are:

1. Making sure I maintain a separate identity apart from whoever I'm in a relationship with i.e. Don't lose myself. This includes keeping in contact with friends, having hobbies that I don't stray from and not being afraid to do things for myself once in awhile.

2. Having established boundaries to ensure that I don't allow myself to be treated with disrespect or allow my wants/needs to become ignored. This also includes boundaries with how others treat my partner/kids/me. I've been a conflict avoider in the past and have often failed to call out BS from friends and family toward my wife or kids. I will stick up for what I know is right and not stray from that with all things in life.

3. Understanding that relationships take work and a partners commitment to me should not be taken for granted. Make time for that person, including spending time together, communication and learning through books/IC's/etc how to deal with the different problems that will occur in relationships.

There are many other things I've learned, but if I can focus on these things, I think I'll have a much better chance for success no matter who the lucky lady is.


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DW17 #2938464 10/18/22 07:26 PM
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Originally Posted by DW17
There are a lot of things that change for me. I think the biggest things are:

1. Making sure I maintain a separate identity apart from whoever I'm in a relationship with i.e. Don't lose myself. This includes keeping in contact with friends, having hobbies that I don't stray from and not being afraid to do things for myself once in awhile.

2. Having established boundaries to ensure that I don't allow myself to be treated with disrespect or allow my wants/needs to become ignored. This also includes boundaries with how others treat my partner/kids/me. I've been a conflict avoider in the past and have often failed to call out BS from friends and family toward my wife or kids. I will stick up for what I know is right and not stray from that with all things in life.

3. Understanding that relationships take work and a partners commitment to me should not be taken for granted. Make time for that person, including spending time together, communication and learning through books/IC's/etc how to deal with the different problems that will occur in relationships.

There are many other things I've learned, but if I can focus on these things, I think I'll have a much better chance for success no matter who the lucky lady is.
Good stuff DW. Keep moving forward.

DW17 #2938643 10/24/22 04:41 PM
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I haven’t posted in a bit so I figured I’d give a little update.

Things have been going well for me and have been cordial with W. Was a busy weekend with soccer games, D18 homecoming and my bday. Bought a couple of shirts and jeans. Went out for bday drinks Saturday night with some good friends and my sister. Had a lot of fun. W and a couple of her friends stopped by for a drink but left after about 30 minutes. Two of her friends stuck around for about an hour before reluctantly meeting up with W which I thought was funny.

Sunday was my actual bday. I was trying to make bigger plans for the day but D4 had another game right in the middle of the day so I deferred to family time instead. W came home at about 7am and casually complained about a bunch of stuff that I ignored – she supposedly left the bar because she had a panic attack and thinks it was because my sister was there, I don’t give her enough information about what I’m doing, I ignored her at the bar Sat night, Do my friends know we’re getting D, and other random things. I validated a little, but mostly ignored it and got up and walked the dog for about an hour. I sometimes feel guilty for not giving her specific enough answers, but if it doesn’t involve the kids, she can keep guessing.

Went to the D4’s game, then came home and watched a football game and a playoff soccer game with the girls. Had “family movie night” with them after that. So lots of TV, which is pretty rare for me, but was nice just relaxing and stopping myself from doing things like cleaning. We did cake but W was downstairs in bed and declined to participate. Bothered me a little, mainly because it’s confusing for D4, but I’ve been pretty good about having little to no expectations.

This morning however, something she said did bother me and it’s been hard to ignore so far today. She gave me a heads up that really early Thursday morning some friends need her help with something but she’d be home to take D4 to school before I leave for work. She said I’ve been vague about my plans so she’ll be vague as well. I calmly told her that her plans are none of my business and left for work. Then the speculation kicked in. I keep asking myself questions I know I shouldn’t care about (Is she staying out and coming home in the morning or just leaving early Thursday morning? Will she be with OM? If so, why did she say friends instead of friend? Who is busy that early on a Thursday?) I know I’ve got to focus on what I’m doing, and I have been doing well with it, but this one caught me off guard. I’ll keep trying to stop sign it and hopefully that’ll help.

Quick note about our bills, I made a list of bills for her, gave her all applicable info and allowed her to provide any input she had. She was a little upset, slept on it and seemed okay with it the next day. Her only complaint has been that I kicked her out of the MBR so she shouldn’t have to pay fair share of bills (what?). Getting rid of my irrational fear of upsetting her has been great.

This week is busy again with soccer, but for my GAL, I’m still exercising (mainly just treadmill running since W’s bed took over my workout space – a trade I’ll happily agree to), I have a couple more pounds to lose this week to meet my October goal, ran the fastest mile I’ve run since I was probably 15, going to a Halloween party Saturday and have a few holiday related plans for spending time with the kids.


M:39 W:39
T:22 M:18
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DW17 #2938646 10/24/22 05:29 PM
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DW17,
Originally Posted by DW17
Bought a couple of shirts and jeans.
Upgrading the wardrobe, nice.

Originally Posted by DW17
Went out for bday drinks Saturday night with some good friends and my sister. Had a lot of fun.
Awesome!

Originally Posted by DW17
W and a couple of her friends stopped by for a drink but left after about 30 minutes.
Seems awkward to stop in briefly on your H's birthday outing. Either come or don't come, but a quick appearance and then leave? Odd. Glad you didn't let it stop you from having a fun night.

Originally Posted by DW17
Two of her friends stuck around for about an hour before reluctantly meeting up with W which I thought was funny.
You should've practiced your flirting skills on her friends. THAT would've been interesting.

Originally Posted by DW17
W came home at about 7am and casually complained about a bunch of stuff that I ignored – she supposedly left the bar because she had a panic attack and thinks it was because my sister was there, I don’t give her enough information about what I’m doing, I ignored her at the bar Sat night, Do my friends know we’re getting D, and other random things. I validated a little, but mostly ignored it and got up and walked the dog for about an hour.
Mostly ignoring it and leaving is the right call. It's YOUR birthday, and she's complaining? Don't let it phase you - sounds like you handled it right.

Originally Posted by DW17
I sometimes feel guilty for not giving her specific enough answers, but if it doesn’t involve the kids, she can keep guessing.
Drop the guilt, Mr Nice Guy. She is cheating on you!

Originally Posted by DW17
She gave me a heads up that really early Thursday morning some friends need her help with something but she’d be home to take D4 to school before I leave for work.
Her friends need help with something really early on a Thursday morning? Hmmm...skeptical. Sounds like she's playing games with your head.

Originally Posted by DW17
She said I’ve been vague about my plans so she’ll be vague as well. I calmly told her that her plans are none of my business and left for work.
Great answer! Bonus points if you did it with a coy smile on your face.

Originally Posted by DW17
Then the speculation kicked in. I keep asking myself questions I know I shouldn’t care about (Is she staying out and coming home in the morning or just leaving early Thursday morning? Will she be with OM? If so, why did she say friends instead of friend? Who is busy that early on a Thursday?)
Perfectly understandable. There's not a single person here who hasn't had those thoughts - do your best to keep them to yourself and making your interactions with her proper, which it sounds like you're doing.

Originally Posted by DW17
I know I’ve got to focus on what I’m doing, and I have been doing well with it, but this one caught me off guard. I’ll keep trying to stop sign it and hopefully that’ll help.
Wouldn't worry about this too much - sounds like you're doing well. Keep up the way you're interacting with her, and the internal off guard feeling will get better over time.

Originally Posted by DW17
Her only complaint has been that I kicked her out of the MBR so she shouldn’t have to pay fair share of bills (what?).
LOL! Too bad so sad for her.

Originally Posted by DW17
Getting rid of my irrational fear of upsetting her has been great.
Great to hear, but be prepared you'll have ups and downs...don't be surprised if some of those fears resurface temporarily.

Originally Posted by DW17
This week is busy again with soccer, but for my GAL, I’m still exercising (mainly just treadmill running since W’s bed took over my workout space – a trade I’ll happily agree to), I have a couple more pounds to lose this week to meet my October goal, ran the fastest mile I’ve run since I was probably 15, going to a Halloween party Saturday and have a few holiday related plans for spending time with the kids.
Good stuff DW17! Sounds like you're doing relatively well. Keep up the good work.

Last edited by DnJ; 10/25/22 12:10 PM. Reason: Corrected quote syntax.

Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
BL42 #2938716 10/26/22 05:59 PM
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Originally Posted by DW17
She said I’ve been vague about my plans so she’ll be vague as well. I calmly told her that her plans are none of my business and left for work.
Originally Posted by BL42
Great answer! Bonus points if you did it with a coy smile on your face.

Did you get the bonus points? I hope so.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
DW17 #2938718 10/26/22 08:44 PM
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Originally Posted by "BL42"
Great answer! Bonus points if you did it with a coy smile on your face.
Originally Posted by "Ready2Change"
Did you get the bonus points? I hope so.
Not sure if I got the bonus points, but W has been getting irritated with my "smirks" so it's at least getting noticed.

W has been spinning the past few days. There's a lot going on and a lot of her problems are her own creation. I've learned that she is in control of her own happiness and has to want to help herself, but it's still strange to me. Sitting back and watching the circus without any added stress for myself is nice, but sometimes I wish someone would help her. Some days I feel like I'm watching a person gasping for air while I just sit there. I think part of that is I haven't been validating as much the past week. I'm not even sure why, but part of me just stopped caring as much. I think a bit of anger and resentment on my part may be the culprit. I'll explore those thoughts and feelings more the next few days.

Meanwhile, I found out I got the promotion I've been gunning for. After years of not giving it my best effort, I went all out this time and nailed it. W hated that I wasn't more proactive about it in the past. Being put in a position where I had to look into the mirror and figure myself out has been a game changer for me in pretty much every aspect of my life. It is probably the best thing that could have happened to me, despite the craziness that has come along with it.

Well, I guess it's time to figure out how to start a new thread!


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BD:7/2022
DW17 #2938722 10/26/22 08:51 PM
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BD:7/2022
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