My Story P3...Acceptance of the MLC Madness

[Ginger1]

Have you sat down with your kids and asked them how this is affecting them?

My D is 14 and I would hate for her to see her father be abusive to me and I think she would hate it as well ( his behaviors are borderline abusive ).

Why did you let him know your room 4 times to scold you? I would have locked that door.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Eagle

I am sorry G slid back into MLC H and lashed out so vigorously. Forward progress requires some backward movement as well, which is very difficult living under the same roof. For G, you, and kids. Not impossible. Just at times really trying.

By the way, G is going to test those boundaries and your acceptance of him. And what he did. Even if his testing is mostly unrealized by him. He still needs the answer.

And what is the answer? Actually, it’s what is the question; which he is (unknowingly) asking himself? Does Eagle forgive me? Can she? Will she accept me, and what I’ve done? Then maybe I can therefore forgive and accept myself too.

MLC H treated you horribly. Treated the kids horribly. And treated OW2 horribly.

G is realizing this. And that is a lot to forgive one’s self for. And a lot to accept. Two very different and specific paths.

The journey back starts with those least hurt, those least close and moves on to those hurt most and closest. It is the reverse order of how a MLCer leaves.

Making amends and realizations starts first with the those that will least likely blame the MLCer. Pets. Then friends, kids, and lastly their spouse. Along the way there are few oddity that also need to be resolved.

Property, house, memories. The things that were thrown away in the exit to their new life. Depending upon the significance of them, depends upon the where in the list of reconnection. G is reconnecting with the house. And all that it represents. Which includes memories and emotions of you, kids, marriage, and his unfaithful behaviour. Remember, there is plenty of progress we do not see. All churning away under his surface.

Another item to reconcile with is the affair partner. This is not an actual physical reconciliation, no it is an emotional acceptance. MLCers do feel bad for how they treated the OP. It is a precursor and indicator of what they will need to process regarding their spouse. G’s depth of sin and self blame regarding you is far deeper than OW2. He is seeing that, and testing the waters.

Withdrawal is an incredibly painful process. Do you remember your withdrawal over H?

The loss of romantic love, having it ripped away, the withdrawal is like heroin. We are so addicted to our spouses, addicted to the endorphins that before flowed so freely. That loss is is as painful and powerful as heroin withdrawal.

G is in withdrawal of OW2. He needs to purge her out of his system. The pull back is incredibly strong; yet his desire to remain seems to be stronger. Time is needed. And willpower. Each day the withdrawal lessens.

The processing of his MLC is very clear:

•He has bought books in which traumas from his childhood are central. For example, there is one book he is reading at the moment of which he says “that’s me on a T”. In this book he learns tips and tricks on how to deal and process his trauma’s. He even need to keep a diary and is obviously very protective of that. He has days when he reads a lot and is fully engaged in it, other days he spends a whole day in his couch, watching the same movies over and over, processing.
For example, last week he got up and said that for the first time in his life he had dreamed about his mother. That it dawned on him that on regular times, when f.e. his M and Stepfather had an argument, she gave the family the silent treatment for a whole week and that the tension was palpable and how he had suffered because of it. He had forgotten all this but this suddenly surfaced in his dream. He links all his problems more and more to his M.

•He also cut off all individual communication with her. Today he does not want any contact. He wants ‘to make her feel it'.

•He is going on a trip to the snow for a week with his old best friend (BF’s before MLC) soon.

•He goes for a weekly walk with his father. This contact was completely broken for the last 2.5 years and is in reparation modus, slow but steady.

I’m convinced he is in the last 3 phases currently, that is very clear now. You see a lot of depression in him, at times very withdrawn, then his alter egos are active from his past, but at many times simply the combination of the old and the new H.

I agree, G is exiting the running stage and more in depression and withdrawal. There will be some backslides as he closes the door on running.

Folks need to hit rock bottom before they climb out. Before they make permanent changes in their lives.

This really does feel like a split personality, like Jekyll & Hyde, I can't put it any other way. The worst part is that he had those dark eyes again when he went on like this. The last few weeks he really had his own color again, but this weekend they were really completely dark again. Extremely freaky.

Absolutely. It is so freaky. A person can display such a sudden and pronounced shift. Until one actually sees such a transformation it is hard to appreciate all that represents. Such proof bring much into vivid clarity.

I reacted firmly to this that if he wants to be with OW2 then he has to go and can no longer live under the same roof with me. Obviously controlling MLC H came up immediately. All I think about is myself and I've had him come back to the house just to frame him because I want him back. I couldn't stay calm at that moment and started shouting that I'm tired of him projecting everything onto me. That I'm there because he was completely lost and that I only wanted to be there for him.

The consequences, of course, were not to be foreseen. MLC H went completely over the top once back at home.

This lasted all evening, the children were also heavily involved in this. The psychological humiliation towards me was out of proportion. In fact, for the first time in my life, I wasn't comfortable with him. He's never been so out of his mind before. The next morning the same. He didn't stop, and I asked him to leave immediately.

(((Hugs)))

His torment regarding his mother came bursting forth.

His angry outburst, although completely misguided and upon the wrong person, is progress.

Rock solid boundaries my dear. Enact them!

G being under the same roof had some guidelines and behaviours he had to meet. Hold G accountable.

It's times like this that I have a really hard time going through with this. Not for myself, but for the kids. They see and experience things that they should never experience at that age. My guilt begins to mount. What if they later blame me for letting their father go too far?

Strong boundaries will limit just how far their father can go.

I think your boys will not blame you. In fact, I believe they will, and do, realize the wonderful effort and example you’ve lived and are living. The incredible life lessons they were fortunate to witness.

I say this, because I am there. My kids have told me such.

In an odd truth and realization, there are times I wish my kids and I never had to experience this; those moments occurring fewer and fewer. We have been blessed and gifted with some very hard earned wisdom. My kids have witness some things that most people don’t even know exists. They have accepted, forgiven, and are living, thriving, and loving their lives. Just like their Dad.

- - - -

Eagle, hold G accountable for his actions. Not his desires, feelings, or thoughts. His actions, and that includes the act of yelling and belittling. Place boundaries upon disrespectful behaviour. An evening of psychological humiliation is far too much.

Yes, he was projecting upon you. And G needs to find a safe and healthy manner of which to release his pent up feelings. Perhaps during a moment when G can hear “Tony is back” you could suggest he go for a walk or the gym or some such, rather than going after you. However, it is not your job to fix him. Do not take on too much responsibility and ownership of his journey.

Enact boundaries where and when necessary.

As for the house. You know your situation best. Find your calm and center, your answers will reveal themselves.

D

[Eagle3]

LH, Ginger and D, thank you for your comments.

LH, I sincerely believe H is living in Fantasy Land, much less than he used to but still is.
I however definitely do not live there but I acknowledge the fact why you say this. I'm fully aware that I have the power in my own hands and I will use it when I don't see improvements anymore.

Ginger, Yes, I talk a lot to my 3 S's about the whole situation and they are very honest about their feelings. They struggle with his behavior, definitely the way how he acted last Friday. The strength however they have shown at that moment was incredible. Afterwards I talked to them and they don't want him to go as yet, because they see the difference between the past 7 weeks and the 3 years before that. It is however something that I must watch very closely and yes, you are right, children should never have to see abusive behavior towards their mother. He would never hurt me physically but mentally he has gone too far last friday. This cannot happen anymore and I have been very strict about that.

As D mentioned, I asked him that when he feels his anger and/or resentment is raising, or when I see it is coming up we will use one word which we agreed together, this way he knows he needs to just stop the conversation, go out of the house for a walk or go to his room, simply away from the place where the feelings araised. I hope this will help for the time being.

[Eagle3]

Time for a new thread. Link: https://www.divorcebusting.com/foru...flat&Number=2928892&#Post2928892