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Originally Posted by Michka
Question for the people...

He keeps asking me to meet with him when I am ready so he is able to tell me the "truth".

I finally offered to do it over the phone or via text, i really don't want to be physically around him more then I have to. However he insisted it was a conversation that needed to take place "face to face".

I just left it, have not replied, just don't know what his game is with this.

What would you all do?

I would just tell him flat out that meeting face-to-face isn't happening. The best you can do is a phone call. If he continues to push just tell him that you are really busy, too busy to meet. He sounds like a bit of a narcissist and they like to manipulate people. Much easier done in person than over the phone. Stick to your guns.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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Michka,

Children of divorce is a subject a ton of people bring up on here. Kids are resilient. That's first an foremost. The next thing you need to know is that children who go through divorces today are very different that kids who went through divorces decades ago. Parent now know better. They know how to support their kids better. They know that this affects them. They know signs to watch for and how to communicate. And that makes a world of difference. Gone are the days of packing up the car in the middle of the night to never see one or the other parent again. Or parents who act like the divorce is between the parents only and the kids are much like the lamps and china the court will handle it.

Divorces spiked in the US in the 1970s, peaked in the late 80s and petered out by the mid 90s. The statistic of 1 out of 2 marriages ends in divorce comes from that time period. It's closer to 1 out of 3.5 at this point. Less people feel obligated to marry at all. People are marrying older. People are marrying after co-habitating. It's made the concept of marriage mean more honestly. But there are more kids who don't have parents together than there are kids who are actual children of divorce. so anything you look up statistics-wise are kinda skewed.

I understand that with teaching you see how kids struggle when things are bad at home and that is a cause for concern, but I need you to understand how that anecdotal things doesn't really mean much for your kids. With your kids being so young they will know a life longer with you guys apart than they will with a life of you guys together. It will just becomes the course of things and it for the most part it won't affect them much. But every child handles this differently. I know people my age who still wish their parents would've gotten together and they've been divorced 30 years. I know kids my D included who will shout from the roof tops how happy they are that their parents got divorced. I know a family where there's 3 kids and they all have different feelings, one still thinks their parents might make it work, one is happy they split, and one is completely indifferent. They're all adults, they were all raised in the same houses by the same people, they all witnessed the same divorce.

When I was younger I couldn't really understand this. I had a horrible home life. Just awful. But I was a high honor roll student, national honors society, cheerleader, softball player, yearbook editor, singer etc. I worked. I had a boyfriend. I had good friendships. But I also attempted suicide more than once. I was abused at home in every way you can think of. Conversely there was a kid in my class who's family life was perfectly fine. He was comfortable financially. His mental health was good. But he was constantly in trouble. He had struggling grades. He hung out with the burn outs and ran through girlfriends. Nothing at home was wrong. He was just like that. Troubled student doesn't mean trouble at home. Trouble at home doesn't mean troubled student.

Living like that I thought kids who melted under the pressure of their parents splitting up were weak. I thought if I can live the way I do. Cover bruises with make-up and hide my pain from the world how are they falling apart over getting 2 Christmases. As grew up and worked through therapy I started to understand the plate theory. It's hard to look at one person's problems and not think 'OMG it's not that bad. Why are they being so dramatic?' But the thing is you don't know what kind of plate they are working with. Just because your plate could handle bearing that load doesn't mean someone else's can. Perhaps their plate is smaller. Perhaps their plate is a flimsy paper one while you are working with a strong ceramic plate. Perhaps when you're not looking they are holding a bunch of plates for other people. Point being not every one has the same coping skills. Not everyone processes information and trauma the same. Not everyone will react the same, even when the plates are all bought from the same store. Like a multikid family of divorce.

You just have to communicate with your kids. Pay attention to them. Do the best by them that you can. Don't put them in the middle of you and your stbxh. Don't let him put them in the middle. And hope for the best. You have no way to control or circumvent how this will affect the kids in the future. And it likely will effect them differently. Lots of kids have perfectly happy long lasting marriages even if their parents divorce. Lots of kids have commitment issues because of it. But you have no control over that. And only they have control to fix that when the time comes. You have to let go and let god, and be the best mom you can be. That's all you can control.

Last edited by wayfarer; 08/31/21 02:39 PM.
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