moving forward and beyond #2

[DnJ]

Good Morning wooba

The stall in the divorce process is ok. XH and his L is acknowledging the delay and even forwarded monies without prompting. All good signs.

I’m glad work is going well. Sounds like you are doing quite a lot. Your supervisor most likely recognizes your efforts and even assigns more work. A wise quote from a friend of fellow poster AndrewP - if you need something done give it to a busy person.

That is a true statement. At work, I find myself assigning more tasks to those who keep busy than those who do not. Praise for a job well done sometimes comes from an unexpected direction; more work. Lol. My place of business places importance on formal performance feedback and I get to formally acknowledge people’s efforts and ensure their contributions are recognized. It sounds likely that your supervisor is a lady of good character and is taking you under her wing and building trust towards a good working relationship.

Lately I find myself thinking, what is my end goal here? Taking the job started out as having a means to an end - I need the financial security. Now that I'm here, what's next?

If I may, perhaps that question is not about work.

A job. Financial security. Three months. Stability taking hold. The next steps being considered are not work related or company advancement. As you stated - you are here. Work is work. It is the means to the end. It is the “end” goal that you are pondering. For what it’s worth, one’s true goals do not come from the workplace.

I find that to be an important question. I can feel that it's easy to get lost in work itself.....complete the next project, hit the next quarter's goal...I would like to continue to practice self-awareness and keep myself tethered to what I believe in.

It is an important question. Of course, it’s the answer that is even more important.

It pretty understandable to get lost in work as one is getting up to speed. We all define ourselves by our actions, thoughts, and beliefs. Our work and means of financial self sufficiency is a large part of that definition. We can feel a bit lost within that, we can even get lost within that. Three months is a short time frame for beliefs. Work actions and efforts influence our thoughts and feelings, which in turn influence our lives.

Your self-awareness and desire to keep tethered to your beliefs and values will, and is, serving you. It only feels different at the moment. You will find your important answers and overarching life goals. Of this, I have no doubt.

While at work, lose yourself, or more accurately let go yourself and be the employee and achieve those work goals. While not at work, while living, find yourself and grasp and achieve the life goals you perform “work” for.

I’ve worked for the same employer for 32 years so far. I am partly defined by my job and skillset. It has had a part in the making me who I am. Employment is a large part of our lives. That, means to an end, is valuable as well as necessary. Yet, I can, and soon will as retirement looms closer and closer, define myself sans work related. Work has influenced my life and values, and my life and values has influenced my work.

Beliefs and core values are slow to change, and one knows when they are being met and lived. If you sleep well, truly restful, at peace subconsciously, you are doing fine.

9 to 5 - embrace work. 5 to 9 - embrace life. Fully! You will sleep well.

So...

Now that I'm here, what's next?

Yes, now that you’re here - both work and life. What’s next? For each.

There are two important answers, not one.

That is a very tall order finding such answers. For what it’s worth, my answers became simple. Integrity and values. Live your beliefs on both paths; on all paths of your life. Two answers, which when boiled down, are the same thing.

D

[wooba]

DnJ - here's an idea for your after you retire - write a book! It would be lovely to have more people to get to experience your wisdom.

Thanks for the perspective of value - if I'm kept busy with more and more work, I guess it means I'm not useless lol.

may - It's kind of hard to tell right now as I've only had little time to dip my toes into different areas of my work. So far I can only say that I enjoy working with people. but I dislike logistics. But doing the logistics lead me to interacting with people. So I guess it's not so bad?

I think I'm alarmed because I've been a SAHM for so long. and all the sudden work has now taken over my life (time wise). I've dreamed about work!! (gasp) , so it all feels very odd to me. I've also gotten invited to join Fri after work outings with colleagues, which I actively try to participate (even though most of the time I just want to go home and spend time with the kids.) I think the thought of myself possibly could focus too much on pursuing my career/having a life outside of kids is a bit scary to me. I can do it because I feel they're in good hands with my parents' help. Am I making sense here? Do men think about this? or are we gals the only ones stuck with having to figure out how to balance work and kids? lol.

DnJ, again, thank you for your comments. Integrity and values, when I feel lost and not sure of the path forward, I at least know that living by these two things will serve me well.

and of course, growth is always uncomfortable.

[wooba]

forgot to update about ExH.

last drop off was crazy. I arrived at his place to our agreed time, and I called and called and there was no answer. I drove away to get gas and a car wash and went back 30 mins later, called and he picked up groggily, "oh ok I'll come out." 10 mins later, still no show. I called again, he picked up, as if we've never had the first conversation,.."oh you're here? ok..I'll come out." again, still no show!! Finally I took the kids back home. the kids asked, "is dad drunk?" I said," I have no idea."

Two days later he texted and apologized to me and said he got hit by a car last Friday so he wasn't feeling well. wth??? I seriously doubt that's what happened, because Saturday the kids called him, and he sounded like he was out hanging out with friends (drinking). later I asked him if he went to see a doctor, and he said "no, too busy at work."

MLCers just get weirder and weirder huh??

[kml]

Yeah, he was drunk - or high - or both. Document everything. There may come a time when he needs to have only supervised visitation.

[DnJ]

Hello wooba

forgot to update about ExH.

Funny how that happens. A very good sign of our healing, letting go, and acceptance.

XH is in a rough place in life right now. Hit by car?!? A two day late apology text and missing his drop off time and visit. It sure does gets weird.

As kml said, document everything.

I think I'm alarmed because I've been a SAHM for so long. and all the sudden work has now taken over my life (time wise). I've dreamed about work!! (gasp) , so it all feels very odd to me. I've also gotten invited to join Fri after work outings with colleagues, which I actively try to participate (even though most of the time I just want to go home and spend time with the kids.) I think the thought of myself possibly could focus too much on pursuing my career/having a life outside of kids is a bit scary to me. I can do it because I feel they're in good hands with my parents' help. Am I making sense here? Do men think about this? or are we gals the only ones stuck with having to figure out how to balance work and kids? lol.

Gasp! Dreaming about work. Lol.

The sudden take over of work in your life is normal. Dreams are our subconscious categorizing and making sense of our day. Of course you dreamt of work. By the way, if you are a scrabble enthusiast, dreamt is one of the few words that end in “mt”. No bearing whatsoever upon what we are talking about. I might be subconsciously exercising liberties due to your suggested book writing for me post retirement. That, and you have an infectiously fun feel to your post. Anyhow, yes men do think about family and work and the balance between the two.

From SAHM to present situation is quite a change. It’s ok to focus on you. And yes, your kids are in good hands. And yes, it will feel odd for a while.

Congratulations being invited out with the work gang. Do go and have fun. It is surprising how much team building happens over a beer - every now and then.

It is good to see you cognizant of the limited time and your choices (worry) in how you invest that time - kids, work, self, and such. A wee tip, if I may - self, kids, work, and so on. That’s the order. And don’t worry when kids seem often before self, for it is our very self that wants that so in effect we are placing self first. Like everything it’s a balance.

Feeling a bit scared is pretty normal. My sudden being dropped into sole parental duties and responsibility was rather scary too. We find our balance and our way; and fear/worry abates.

D

[wooba]

I’m meeting a lot of new people lately because of work. And these kind of questions popped up a lot - are you married? Where does your husband work?

So far I’ve kept it simple - yes, married. Husband works at xxx also.

But inside I really want to scream out “I’m still married by law but we’ve been separated for almost 2 years now and are going through a divorce!! Please consider me single. Got anybody you can introduce me to?”

Of course, it’s kind of odd to say that when you are meeting somebody for the first time. Lol.

I guess it’s an issue of identity and honesty. First, i feel like my standard answer eventually leads to deeper conversations about marriage and family life that if I am trying to avoid talking about my state of marriage, it just gets so awkward for me that I have to talk about it realllly vaguely. Second, I don’t want to my identity to be tethered to this man. Not one little bit. I’m pretty sure ExH is not the most popular guy at work, so it does not serve me well at all to be known as his wife.

I want to be comfortable in telling someone I’m meeting for the first time, “I’m married. But I’m going through a divorce.”
Is that a faux pas?

Of course, the ideal thing would be to be divorced already. ExH is taking his sweet time “translating the divorce decree”....

[kml]

I think "I'm separated and going through a divorce" is a perfectly fine answer. And doesn't require you to share any details.

Or you could take a clue from FB and just say "It's complicated", but that actually seems to invite more questions.

[Eagle3]

I agree with kml. I'm having the same questions over and over since I'm dealing with new people on a daily basis and seeing some of them quite often but only for a short period of time since I'm doing projects for them.

I simply say I'm seperated and going through a divorce. Not much people ask questions then, definitely if they don't know you very well yet.

[DnJ]

Hello wooba

I get the want of identity and honesty. “I’m separated and going through a divorce” is a good response.

D

[wayfarer]

Honestly it's better to just get it out of the way and let people know "Oh yeah, I'm separated and in the process of a divorce. We have 3 wonderful boys that we love very much, and stbxh actually works here. Isn't that funny?" You don't have to actually feel like it's amicable or even like H very much. But I know when exH were splitting up it was just easier on both of us and D18 if we acted like it was a Gwyneth Paltrow-esque conscientious uncoupling. If he didn't throw out to everyone who listened that I had cheated on him 4 years prior to the split I had no reason to unload his addiction and mental health issues on anyone who didn't really know what was going on in our home. And being kind to each other in the end when we couldn't or wouldn't be kind to one another during our relationship made moving on and not being at each other's throats when I started to date too quickly for his taste or when he made the unilateral decision to move an hour and half away from his daughter.

That being said. You've not been "married-married" for almost 2 years. And I'm sure the divorce will finalize in a few months. If you tell people you're married without the qualifiers, at some point when you show up to events with a guy who isn't your husband people usually will start asking all kinds of questions, or worse filling in the blanks with their own imaginations. I know this one from experience. I did start dating around pretty quickly after I left exH (at first nothing serious, I literally just wanted to know what it was like to date again. I had been locked down since 18). The reality of the situation was: 1. I was barely 29 years old. 2. We had been sleeping in separate bedrooms and speaking about only household and kid business for 2 years. 3. We hadn't had s3x in over a year, and prior to that one time it had been 9 months before that. Oh and prior to that 6 months. Every aspect of our MR, except co-parenting which he barely did, had been dead and gone for quite some time. I was healing, healthy and more than ready to move on the minute I walked out the door which people very close to me knew that, but to an outsider I looked like a floozy....lol. I think it's just best to be honest and up front about the reality of the situation.