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[may22]

Hi Sage,

Wow, I am so proud and happy for you. Love, love, love that your child got to have a birthday focused all on him for one day... these silver linings to COVID. Part of me hopes that when my children are grown, their memories of COVID time will be less about all the things we didn't get to do or the pervasive fear and anxiety, and more about the special things we *did* get to do. My 10 year old planned an escape room for Halloween, and we did pinatas and scary movies and ate as much candy as we wanted. At the end of the night, I was cuddled on the couch with one daughter on each side, and D10 said to me Mommy, this was a great night. I really liked tonight. My heart was full. I was so worried they'd miss not seeing their friends, or dressing up and trick-or-treating... but they were champs.

A few things in your recent posts really stood out for me, especially as areas where I still need work and am inspired by your success:

The old me would have taken his emotions personally and reacted from a place of hurt, as he was accusing me of something that I felt I shouldn't have to justify, but instead I was able to take a deep breath and tried to dig deeper to see where he was coming from. I don't know if I completely understood the root of his feelings, but I felt capable of defusing the situation and validating and we left the situation in a place where we both felt understood.

I know that validation and detaching in order to have these kind of interactions is key to DBing, and I STILL have trouble with it. I think I did better when he was in the midst of the A than I do now. Reading how you took a deep breath and were able to restrain your emotions and react with your thinking mind... I am remembering how I had a mantra of "you only control you" in my head when H was saying these crazy things in R talks, and I could listen and nod and even ask deepening questions. It was like I had this hard shell that protected me from really feeling or taking personally what he said. Now I'm finding that that shell was just a shell. It wasn't bone-deep detachment. I'd love to hear more about your woo-woo land assistance to get you to where you are now.

Like Cardinal, I love this:

14 years of trying to fill a cup that had leaks in it turns out to be a lesson in futility. Only the individual is capable of plugging those holes that were created in childhood; no one else can do it for us. Stepping back and examining the leaks in my own cup is all I am in charge of at this time. That, and trying to give my children the tools and resiliency to fix their own holes when it comes time for them to examine their cup of life.

Examining the leaks in my own cup is all I am in charge of at this time. Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

H is deeply, deeply, deeply insecure. To a degree that I never recognized.

Mine too. And 99 out of 100 people who know him would laugh in my face if I said this to them. My MIL brought it up to me and she's totally right. Like you, I feel compassion for him here (I simply can't imagine what life would be like caring so GD much about what everyone else thinks of you) but it also doesn't excuse his behavior and the way he has treated me. So I am struggling a bit here to reconcile these two things-- empathy for him and -- I don't know what emotion is tied to the way he's treated me. Anger, I guess. Frustration. I think I need to do some loving-kindness meditation practice, maybe. How have you synthesized these two truths for yourself and ended up with feeling compassion? That he is broken AND he has treated you abysmally?

And, just FWIW, what you posted on AlisonUK's thread... that was me, too. My H also stopped trying to initiate without telling me to test me. (Though AP was in the picture then, and that has something to do with it). And for me it was also always the second or third day of vacation that I was able to actually relax and be interested again. It is so interesting to me to see so many parallels in our experiences.

(((Sage))) keep up the good work and send your zen vibes my way. I need it today.

[Sage4]

May, thank you for these juicy thoughts today, I am so inspired by your words.

Some of my thoughts about this:

I know that validation and detaching in order to have these kind of interactions is key to DBing, and I STILL have trouble with it. I think I did better when he was in the midst of the A than I do now.

I totally agree with this. In some ways it came more naturally to try and 'fix' things when H and I were in limbo. I was so desperate to get to a different outcome, that I was pretty much willing to do anything. Of course, that is not the way this whole process works. DBing and validating comes from ACTION, not REACTION and my earlier attempts were truly a reaction.

Reading how you took a deep breath and were able to restrain your emotions and react with your thinking mind... I am remembering how I had a mantra of "you only control you" in my head when H was saying these crazy things in R talks, and I could listen and nod and even ask deepening questions. It was like I had this hard shell that protected me from really feeling or taking personally what he said. Now I'm finding that that shell was just a shell.

This too was me. I thought I was detached because I had built a wall protecting me from H's spew. But it wasn't detachment, I was simply deflecting and coping as best I could. Any weak spots in that wall and I was back to square one. Which would send me for a loop because I thought I had finally made it in terms of detaching and was so disappointed to discover that I was still in the same spot I started.

It wasn't bone-deep detachment. I'd love to hear more about your woo-woo land assistance to get you to where you are now.

I did so many things to try and solidify my detachment; to 'hurry it along'. I went through the stages of grief, staying in denial, bargaining and depression for the longest time. Then true rage and anger came along for a short spell. It scared me, the depths of my anger towards H. But it also flushed out the depression, which was really invigorating for me. And then all that settled into some sort of acceptance. Time was a huge factor here. As was recognizing my own value and rediscovering self-love. And I was finally able to hear to all those voices around me who kept whispering 'you are amazing, you are so loved, you will be fine'. And I knew I could make it.

As far as the woo woo stuff? I have a long-time family friend who is an incredible tarot card reader. She has helped me navigate some really big decisions and transitions since I was in my early teens. I had an amazing Vedic astrology reading. I even had an experience with a psychic. And all three said nearly the exact same thing to me: H has always felt unloveable (deep insecurities) and nothing I could do could fill his cup. That he is eschewing his spiritual, pre-destined path in life by leaving us and has no idea the depths of self-destruction and self-sabotage this instigates. But that it is truly not my role to fix him, he needs to do this on his own.

Those people validated my deeper intuition about all of this. So I was basically left with two choices: 1) keep trying what wasn't working; or 2) let go and refocus my energy back into me. Once I made that choice, the detachment came seemingly overnight (although re-reading this, I recognize that it was months and months in the making).

I was initially confused about detachment. 'Drop the rope! Detach!' are the rallying cries around here and I thought that meant getting to a space where my wall was big enough and strong enough to be impenetrable. But I have learned that detachment doesn't mean withdrawal or being aloof or emotionally absent or 'dropping' someone or even building a wall. It is about not letting someone have so much power over your feelings and emotions that you can't make a clear choice for yourself. I don't feel I need the walls anymore because I am my own castle, H is his and we can protect ourselves with boundaries if we need to. Detachment is more about the personal versus the interpersonal.

All of this is just my own interpretation and we will all have our own journeys.

H is deeply, deeply, deeply insecure. To a degree that I never recognized.

Mine too. And 99 out of 100 people who know him would laugh in my face if I said this to them. My MIL brought it up to me and she's totally right. Like you, I feel compassion for him here (I simply can't imagine what life would be like caring so GD much about what everyone else thinks of you) but it also doesn't excuse his behavior and the way he has treated me. So I am struggling a bit here to reconcile these two things-- empathy for him and -- I don't know what emotion is tied to the way he's treated me. Anger, I guess. Frustration. I think I need to do some loving-kindness meditation practice, maybe. How have you synthesized these two truths for yourself and ended up with feeling compassion? That he is broken AND he has treated you abysmally?

This is such an interesting thought, May. Thank you for this.

I think right now I feel compassion and empathy for the broken human in front of me and at the same time I do not condone or forgive his behavior (yet? Will I ever? Do I need to? Hmmm....). I have thus far compartmentalized the person from the behavior. It is my nature to quickly forgive and move on, so I feel I have to be really careful here as it would be easy for me to compartmentalize this forever. But at the same time, his behavior was so out of character, so extreme and destructive that it is easy to place it in a box as an anomaly. Or maybe it is not an anomaly, maybe this is the real him? I think I need some more time with this one.

Thanks for inspiring a journal essay! I am going to follow up on your thread with some specific thoughts on you and your situation.

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