I find it easier to deal with when my H is an alien. When bits of the old him (the good parts) are showing, I have to be guarded against that.
NC is very helpful. I am still working on trying to put H out of my mind. Some mental breaks from H would be good. I still inevitably think about my sitch here and there throughout the day. Not gonna give myself a hard time about it though.
I am really tired of these back and forth emails with my H. In every email he’s sent me, he’s included some kind of accusations of my failing in one thing or another which are not true. Ex: I told the kids we’re divorcing! I was supposed to take care of my in-laws long term care account! I didn’t give him our account login info!
Other than all that, he’s also stated that he does not want to give me the child support that I’m entitled to under state law (again we are overseas), and claimed that he wouldn’t know how I’d be using that fund and I could be using it for myself than for the children. (Seriously !?!)
I would like to just ignore him, but I do have the disadvantage of actually needing his financial help in the long run. If I take him to court here, under the foreign laws here I’d be getting only 1/3 of what I’d be entitled to in the U.S.
So do I keep playing this game with him??
I’m thinking about setting my boundary in my next email: “if you keep making false accusations, I will no longer engage in this conversation about divorce.” He can’t actually divorce me here if I’ve done nothing wrong. I just still have to ask him for money. Ugh. I find these back and forth emails are not really moving us ahead in divorce negotiations because he’s always putting false claims in there to justify his arguments.
I want to be done. But the logistics are tying my hands.
So if he can't file D.... and you don't want to file D currently but need money then you may have to just suck it up???
What about just stating - well it must be frustrating trying to do things when you feel I've kept information from you... I mean you can apologize for how he feels without apologizing for any specific action. This may very well take the bite out him ---- or simply saying "I hear you"... would probably stop him in his tracks because he is expecting blow back to his slander.
In your situation you may just have to concentrate on one positive moment at a time so your financial needs get met.
What are your other choices???
You will need to put your financial needs at the forefront ---- write down a list of what you need and costs. Is he paying for your housing? Utilities? How much are you expecting?
I think you can prepare an email on what you are needing financially but avoid any ultimatums for sure. If he is nasty.... do not reply... <<< thats your boundary... it doesn't need to be stated.
If he refuses financial support you may need to think what your long term goals are --- in this country or at home.
The most important lesson I learned from my divorce process was to never validate abuse. However, when negotiating a settlement, validation can be a useful tactic to get what you want, need, or are entitled to get. You are in a tough spot and playing nice may be to your advantage. Be careful about validating these accusations in writing, though - he may be setting you up to fail if it goes to court.
Does he have an L? If not, you could put a bit of fear into him with a pleasant but firm email. "This is the settlement I am asking for... Here is a spreadsheet detailing the finances. I am confident this represents a fair settlement based on the duration of the marriage, childcare arrangements, asset division etc. If you disagree, I'm happy to seek legal advice in our home state to ensure a fair settlement as per our state law."
No idea if that's possible in your situation. You are in a tough spot! But there is peace on the other side of this.
In your situation you may just have to concentrate on one positive moment at a time so your financial needs get met.
That's kind of what I'm weighing. Getting minimal support but with freedom vs continuing to appease him for financial reasons.
Originally Posted by scout12
The most important lesson I learned from my divorce process was to never validate abuse. However, when negotiating a settlement, validation can be a useful tactic to get what you want, need, or are entitled to get. You are in a tough spot and playing nice may be to your advantage. Be careful about validating these accusations in writing, though - he may be setting you up to fail if it goes to court.
Does he have an L? If not, you could put a bit of fear into him with a pleasant but firm email.
My H is a L himself. So I've been a L's wife long enough to know not to put things I don't want other people to know in writing. lol! So far I have just ignored his accusations and have not addressed them in the emails. I try to keep it very business like. So yeah, seek legal advice in our home state would not work in my current situation because we are not in the U.S. right now. My only bargaining chip is that he wants to divorce me, and he can't do it without my consent here in this country. Strangely I am hoping that he wants to divorce me bad enough to agree to my requests for child support.
