Christmas Eve Day. Made plans with a friend and had a fun kids playdate. Us moms got to hang out too which is always a blessing. especially when we manage to have adult conversations..lol..
On the way to the playdate, as we were loading up our wagon, D4 started to talk about her dad again. Wondering and wishing he was here, she misses him. That kind of thing. So I said what came from my heart, in that moment..
Me: "You know how sometimes you like alone time? Sometimes mommy likes alone time... we do fun things when we have our alone time right? Sometimes daddy has alone time, and he does things that are fun for him. "
D4: "But he will be alone, and that makes me sad, I miss him".
Me: "He's okay honey, he's might be traveling or going on an adventure. He works really hard, and now it's his time to play."
Me: "Now let's go on our adventure with our friends and play!" D4: YAY!!!!
So that was a quick moment. And a few minutes later, as I'm pulling her in the wagon she says more.
D4: "Dad has gone way and doesn't want to be with family or his little girl".
Me: (I stopped in my tracks and got down to her level) "Honey, did someone say that to you? Or is this something you just thought of right now?"
D4: "I just thought of it on my own, right now."
Me: "Remember what we talked about earlier, about having alone time? It's okay right? It's something we do and we love each other. I love you, daddy loves you. Does that make sense to you? Do you understand?"
D4: "Yeah, I understand. I love you too"
There will be more to this conversation, but that was what I've started with. About a week ago, she looked in my closet, on the side his clothes use to be on. She was looking for his clothes she said. I forget what I said, but I distracted her. Guess I would figured something out.
As I've mentioned previously, I opened up the conversation to her dad when our D became final, end of Oct. 2020. What do you want her to know? His only reply was, "I don't know..." Wow. How does that feel? to just drop everything and RUN away from your child? I'm in shocked that he hasn't reached out to her. I am angry. I am sad for her, but mostly disappointed in the kind of father he is being. Unless he is in the hospital or jail, there no acceptable reason for him not contacting D4. I really hope he has some sense in that head of his to reach, even if he leaves a message.
I'm SO glad both sides of his parents KNOW the truth about the ow and where he might be. I believe XH & ow are traveling. Perhaps a honeymoon ? This is why he is not available? And he's selfish. ow knows about D4. I'm shaking my head in disbelief that he hasn't contacted her. When either of my mother-in-laws ask if XH has reached out to D4, that's ALL on him. I've made it EASY for him, given him her schedule: we're pretty much always available. He's clearly not interested. Too busy. Makes me sick. Just cares about himself.
Any way. When I speak to D4 about her dad, I will not speak ill of him. Never throw him under the bus. He's doing a pretty good job of that himself. I will always tell D4 that her dad loves her. I'd like to think that her dad and I are friends, and we can love each other as friends, care about each other in that way, but I'm really disappointed in his behavior. But, then again, this is a MLC/WAS kind of guy I'm dealing with. A ghost really.
MERRY CHRISTMAS friends.
Looking forward to celebrating with D4 & my friends family, that has been our extended family (ohana) always.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Mortgage Broker reached out to me. We'll be talking on Monday. I spoke with my father too, and he's got word back from his financial advisor. So at least I'll have something to talk to the MB about.
Also, finally sent in my application for daycare assistance. I had to wait for proof of 2 months wages. Happy to get that off in the mail today.
Let's hope we get somewhere with both of these.
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
You are doing very well with the age appropriate discussions and explanations. And D4 is doing really well expressing herself. Do continue being open and honest with her. And yes, there will be more to this conversation; D4 has more she wants to express. She’s a bright little girl. Of course, I know her Mom, and she’s a pretty bright gal. The apple doesn’t fall from the tree.
Originally Posted by CanBird
Me: "Remember what we talked about earlier, about having alone time? It's okay right? It's something we do and we love each other. I love you, daddy loves you. Does that make sense to you? Do you understand?"
D4: "Yeah, I understand. I love you too"
I very much agree with not throwing Dad under the bus. He is doing that well enough all by himself.
You could add something about Daddy’s lack of matching behaviour for someone who (you say) loves his daughter.
Daddy loves you, but he is having trouble showing it right now. That is a difficult item to bring up - the age appropriate cause/reason/emotional turmoil stuff. However, that is world D4 is living in. “I love and miss Daddy. He should love and miss me too.” And when his actions don’t display that... It’s heartbreaking and D4 will need answers.
The biggest message you demonstrate is that none of this is her fault! A child’s world revolves around them, and they feel that everything that happens within their world is because of them. It’s a hard lesson for us to deliver and a hard lesson for them to learn - They are not responsible for their parents’ problems.
Originally Posted by CanBird
What do you want her to know? His only reply was, "I don't know..." Wow. How does that feel? to just drop everything and RUN away from your child? I'm in shocked that he hasn't reached out to her. I am angry. I am sad for her, but mostly disappointed in the kind of father he is being. Unless he is in the hospital or jail, there no acceptable reason for him not contacting D4. I really hope he has some sense in that head of his to reach, even if he leaves a message.
I do empathize with you.
A MLCer can become a terrible parent.
A little counterintuitive advice for you my friend.
“Unless he is in the hospital or jail, there no acceptable reason for him not contacting D4.”
It’s over three year since BD, and W/Mom threw so much away. The pain, torment, and h3ll of a mid life crisis is an acceptable reason.
It’s your hurt and anger that makes his behaviour unacceptable. The process of grief leads to acceptance and forgiveness. The very “unacceptable and unforgivable reasons” will become forgivable and therefore acceptable. (Really it does happen.) The truth behind all of this: Those reasons and behaviours of our crisis spouse don’t change - we change.
Explain as best you can to your daughter. Live your life. Love her. Find acceptance and forgiveness, and demonstrate/teach D4 how by living it.
It’s a tall order. I know. And one you can well manage. You got time, and you are using it wisely.
Merry Christmas to you and your sweet daughter.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Merry Christmas DnJ. Thank you for dropping by. Always nice to wake up and see a post from you. I really mean that. You help SO many of us on here. You're a real blessing.
One thing that I've always said to D4, from a very young age is, "Hearts & Thoughts".
Hearts & Thoughts: When someone we love isn't with us, even if it's someone that has passed away, they are always with us in our hearts & thoughts.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Originally Posted by DnJ
You could add something about Daddy’s lack of matching behaviour for someone who (you say) loves his daughter.
Daddy loves you, but he is having trouble showing it right now. That is a difficult item to bring up - the age appropriate cause/reason/emotional turmoil stuff. However, that is world D4 is living in. “I love and miss Daddy. He should love and miss me too.” And when his actions don’t display that... It’s heartbreaking and D4 will need answers.
This is a difficult one to explain. Why is daddy having trouble showing his love right now? He sent her 2 gifts for Christmas, at least he showed her love in that way. And she's use to him not having contact for long periods of time, so maybe she'll just except that, this is just the way that it is. Daddy is somewhere that he isn't able to talk or video with you at the moment. But YOU are always in his Heart & Thoughts always. When he can reach out to you, he will. Know that YOU are in his Heart & Thoughts always.
Originally Posted by DnJ
A MLCer can become a terrible parent.
A little counterintuitive advice for you my friend.
“Unless he is in the hospital or jail, there no acceptable reason for him not contacting D4.”
It’s been over three year since my BD, and W/Mom threw so much away. The pain, torment, and h3ll of a mid life crisis is an acceptable reason.
Your right. When my BD happened, accepting XH behavior helped me move forward. I need to remind myself that this is his behavior and I can't change it. Thinking of his behavior as a mental sickness/ or addiction, helped me to come to terms a bit easier; helped me accept that he's on a different path, a different way of thinking. His way.
Originally Posted by DnJ
It’s your hurt and anger that makes his behaviour unacceptable. The process of grief leads to acceptance and forgiveness. The very “unacceptable and unforgivable reasons” will become forgivable and therefore acceptable. (Really it does happen.) The truth behind all of this: Those reasons and behaviours of our crisis spouse don’t change - we change.
True. When I speak to friends about my situation, they often ask why I'm not mad as h3ll. And I think the more I've talked with these friends, the more I've taken on their anger. After reading your post today, I responded to a friend in a different way, and used the example of XH having the traits of someone that isn't in their right mind or having an addiction. My friend, just like me, had a different view of XH, and it was an easier pill to swallow. A BIG difficult pill, but it goes down a little smoother.
Thanks again DnJ for always having such good advice. You are greatly appreciated.
Merry Christmas from our house to yours
CanBird & D4
~Never Give Up ~ 2019 Mar BD June BD Dec Aow/xgf 2020 Jan he wants D Feb he flys2 ow Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn Apr he leaves for work until Nov Oct D FINAL 2020 Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Last edited by job; 12/26/2006:36 AM. Reason: added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
