However, you now need to sit down and decide what you want in life. Do you want to wait for a lying cheater and waste valuable time? Or are you ready to pull up stakes and head to higher, more fertile ground? Choice is yours. The power to choose is yours.
I am working through my residual fears of D. I am also working through my tendencies of just dragging things out. In my mind I set it the time to a year. I guess I have the whole summer to contemplate what my next moves are.
two years ago I came across this quote (another sign?!) and I decided to stick it on my frig. (translated) Clarify your emotions with a logical mind Operate your emotions with compassion Regulate your emotions with respect Lead your emotions with morals
Wooba, obviously there is no rush to decide. However, what has your core values told you over time about adultery? If before you got married someone had asked you: "What would you do if after you got married he cheated on you?" what would you have said?
I find it so strange how LBSs are so willing to let go of their core values and deal-breakers once the WAS has crossed that line. For me, in my sitch, the difficulty was that there was nothing physical going on. My W has had two EAs (maybe more but those are the ones I've discovered), which put me into a gray area related to my core values. But I can honestly say that if she ever had a PA I would D her so fast her head would spin.
So is a PA a deal-breaker for you? If so, then I see no reason why you would stick to your year timeline.
But again, the power is in your hand to choose how long. You don't get to choose if he ever comes back, you don't have that power. But you do have the power to decide to pull up stakes and move on.
But please, for your own sake, admit that he is a lying cheater. Repeat it: He is a lying cheater. It is frustrating to watch the number of cheated on LBWs on this forum that refuse to admit that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
That is so funny about things you've had together breaking. In January, that kept happening a lot to me. A chopstick broke that we bought on our honeymoon. A Christmas ornament someone had given us that had our names on it. At the time I told him it was a sign.... and he went and got the hot glue gun out and glued the ornament back together. Something else in the kitchen broke this week, and I looked at it, and of course those same thoughts went through my head. He saw me and said oh, let me guess, a sign?
Maybe it is also like when you're pregnant and you notice everyone else is. You're just keyed into this, your brain is searching for patterns and meaning and this pops in quite nicely. Maybe things have been breaking for years and before you never noticed it because it is just part of life.
On the OW... do you think this is where he's been living? I was skimming through your earlier posts on this thread and it has always seemed a little weird that he left all his clothes and stuff at your place, and never wanted to bring the kids over there.
On D-- where are you with the financial piece? I recall you saying earlier that you are better off not D-ed financially, at least for now.
On PA = D, or difficulty admitting what a POS your H is... i have been thinking about this and wondering if that same cognitive dissonance comes into play for us that the WAH is experiencing-- he has to believe that this is true love, or whatever, to justify his actions, plus his W is so terrible, you were never really in love, etc. Whereas I think that maybe something the LBWs are experiencing (and maybe this is a motherhood thing that dads just don't get in the same way) in that we are trained to always put our children first. So PA = D is not so simple anymore when you bring children into the mix, and they most likely will be better off in an R than a D situation. So in order to have this all make sense in our heads, we also have to believe that the M is salvagable, that your H is a flawed human being who has made some devastating mistakes rather than a selfish cheating narcissistic liar who has blown up your life and the lives of your children for his own selfish reasons. I'm not sure that this makes much sense... just is where my head is these days.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
On PA = D, or difficulty admitting what a POS your H is... i have been thinking about this and wondering if that same cognitive dissonance comes into play for us that the WAH is experiencing-- he has to believe that this is true love, or whatever, to justify his actions, plus his W is so terrible, you were never really in love, etc. Whereas I think that maybe something the LBWs are experiencing (and maybe this is a motherhood thing that dads just don't get in the same way) in that we are trained to always put our children first. So PA = D is not so simple anymore when you bring children into the mix, and they most likely will be better off in an R than a D situation. So in order to have this all make sense in our heads, we also have to believe that the M is salvagable, that your H is a flawed human being who has made some devastating mistakes rather than a selfish cheating narcissistic liar who has blown up your life and the lives of your children for his own selfish reasons. I'm not sure that this makes much sense... just is where my head is these days.
Interesting. Though I would argue that allowing someone to treat you this way is not a proper lesson for the kids either. So while trying to hold a MR together through some awful behavior by the WAH is noble in one regard, your kids learn more from what you do than you think. And it is setting them up for allowing themselves to be lied and cheated on in their own love lives.
