WAW - is it too late?

[Traveler]

Hi RVM,

Anyway, my W and I were having a really nice convo rehashing previous trips to this place. And, out of the blue, she mentioned that one of the hiking trail guide books was missing from the house. And, she said that I took it years ago and never returned it. And, I should put it back when we go back. I was flabbergasted at this accusation.. “No, I never took that. I’ve never taken anything from the house.” She was adamant that I did.. I held my stance. And, the convo ended and we just went on as normal.

You can hold your stance while showing understanding:

You: "Your recollection is that I took the guidebook. My recollection is that I did not."
Her: "You did take the guidebook!!"
You: "I guess we'll have to agree to disagree."

It really baffled me at the time. I’ve always respected personal property. I later chalked it up to spewing. But, it really pissed me off because one of my D’s heard the whole conversation. I don’t want to bring it up with my W again because it’s pointless. I’ll hold my stance if she or anyone else does.

It's worth reflecting on why this conversation was so distressing. It's a common conflict. You're modeling to D how she should behave when she disagrees with a friend (right or wrong) about what's happened.

Oh, and that trail guide book that I supposedly took years ago is here, on the bookshelf, in the exact location where one would expect it to be.

Cool. One of you was bound to be right.

I don’t plan to even bring it up either. There’s no point. She wouldn’t apologize anyway.

I would, not to gloat or be right, of course. "I know you were worried about their guidebook, so I set aside a few minutes to look for it. Good news! I found it on the bookshelf."

I still don’t have concrete proof of her A. But, I’d be a fool to believe one hadn’t or isn’t currently happening. The quarantine may have stifled the PA a bit. But, a cheater will find a way to get their fix. And, I’m guessing the odd trips to the grocery store a day after a grocery store trip was already made; or the extra-long early morning walks are opportunities to meet with OM.

You've accused your wife of an affair, and 10 months later you still don't know. Even if it's 90% certain, take your pain of being falsely accused of not returning a book, and now imagine her possible pain of being falsely accused of cheating. Any reason you haven't hired a PI by now to settle the matter?

[RVM]

Found my original login.

Any reason you haven't hired a PI by now to settle the matter?

That is being strongly considered now to hopefully get closure on this. I already found many suspicious phone records from well before the BD that confirm who I've long suspected is the OM. But, the early snooping and confronting I did post BD most likely made her hide her tracks even more. I stopped snooping and just focused on improving myself and being a great Dad.

Anyway, I did not bring up the guide book while we were away. The only reason I brought it up here was to vent a bit for myself. There's been many examples of this type of gaslighting over the past year. It just gets to a point where I've found myself in awkward situations where my kids are around and I still make mistakes with not validating well. Stoically replying: "we'll have to agree to disagree" would have been a good way to end that discussion.

Most of the vacation went well. We did a lot of family activities together and we each really just focused our attention on the kids. She did make a lot of unprovoked jabs at me that I ignored for the most part. I'd say we were pretty civil. But, it gets really tiring to have some pleasant family time disrupted by some jabs. It did feel pretty strained whenever others weren't around, and as soon as the kids went to bed, she did too. I didn't pursue at all - did a lot of odd jobs around the house and in downtime would go play my guitar, go for a bike ride, or a solo hike.

Our anniversary is coming up very soon and I'm not sure how to handle it. My D actually reminded us in the car, which made it a bit awkward. I don't plan on doing anything. But, I'm a little worried about the optics since my D will likely talk about our anniv that day.

We had typically gotten each other cards and a traditional gift. Last year, she didn't give me a card, but gave me a present with the tags still on it in a plastic garbage bag. She also didn't reach out to me that day to say happy anniv. I initiated it. This was was completely uncharacteristic of her. She had always been the one to make a big deal about exchanging cards and nicely wrapping the gifts. Alarm bells had already started going off in my head around this time.

[LH19]

R,

Before you hire a PI I think you should ask yourself if it’s a dealbreaker or not for you. If it’s not then don’t do it because what’s the point?

I can 99.99% tell you she’s having an affair. She’s showing all the classic signs.

I wouldn’t acknowledge the anniversary. Go out to dinner by yourself.

[RVM]

R,

Before you hire a PI I think you should ask yourself if it’s a dealbreaker or not for you. If it’s not then don’t do it because what’s the point?

It most likely would be a deal breaker and help me drop the rope. This would confirm multiple years worth of lying, betrayal, and cake eating.