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Goonies, understandable to want answers, but there are none. A brilliant poster here used to quote "constant wondering is constant suffering." Some eventually want to return to their marriages, but most don't. I've been dealing with this for a long time. Mine circles in and circles out again. Doesn't seem to be able to move in any direction. He's highly intelligent and was a very stable person before. He became the opposite of everything he was and now appears to be slowly creeping back toward what he was. At a certain point, you just stop caring what they want and start thinking about you want. That feels like a better place to be.

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Goonies,

It really doesn't matter what type of personality that they had pre-crisis. What triggers the crisis and what their childhood issues are. Crisis people have poor coping skills and didn't navigate their early 20's, 30's and even 40's very well and when they don't navigate them well, the major MLC will come around and take over their lives in a major way. A MLC doesn't just happen to married people, it can happen to anyone any where and all walks of life because those individuals were emotionally stunted at a young age by someone in authority. Try to remember that this crisis goes back to a time when she was a young girl and you weren't around to know what happened to her. When the crisis was beginning 18-24 months pre-crisis, the MLC was bubbling under the surface and eventually everything hit the fan. There was nothing you could do to stop it. She needs to go through the entire crisis. If you attempt to pull her back into the real world and she returns to her old self, I can assure you, she will go back into crisis at a later date and it will be far worse than what you are witnessing now.

So, how long does it take? It will take as long as it takes and you are on her clock now, which is slow. She is the one that is driving the bus while she is in crisis. She needs to come to terms w/whatever happened long ago and accept that she was not at fault for what happened, i.e, not good enough in grades, activities, sibling rivalry or abuse. Some will complete their journey and come out the other side more mature and more like themselves pre-crisis, others will return to earth and bring along some of their behaviors from crisis time and then there are others, who remain stuck. No one knows which ones return whole or which ones will remain stuck.

Bottom line, dig deeper for patience and keep the focus on you. You have your own journey to make, i.e., to rediscover Goonies. Leave her to her crisis.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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hello,
I have a question. Since all this started she would contact me for things, mostly non-important. it was pretty consistent, that at least once a week she would either want to come by to pick something up, or text me. I have noticed that she has just stopped al together. I haven't heard from her at all. it has been 20 days now. does anyone know what is going on with her, should I be expecting the wrath to be unleashed at some point? because of the quarantine, I haven't been able to see the kids, a decision we both made, because I am still working, and am in contact with the public all day. I don't want to start over analyzing things, but could this be some transition point with her? I believe we are 20 months into her replay stage. any incite would be helpful, thank you.

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Goonies, they usually go dark and disappear for long periods of time about the point where you are. Living that fun life and all. At some point, she will probably come forward and contact you again. Just live your life and keep moving forward.

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Originally Posted by GOONIES
hello,
I have a question. Since all this started she would contact me for things, mostly non-important. it was pretty consistent, that at least once a week she would either want to come by to pick something up, or text me. I have noticed that she has just stopped al together. I haven't heard from her at all. it has been 20 days now. does anyone know what is going on with her, should I be expecting the wrath to be unleashed at some point? because of the quarantine, I haven't been able to see the kids, a decision we both made, because I am still working, and am in contact with the public all day. I don't want to start over analyzing things, but could this be some transition point with her? I believe we are 20 months into her replay stage. any incite would be helpful, thank you.


Looks like you are new ... I am the ghost of Christmas future.

So what she was/has been doing is checking to see if you are still holding the rope... she tugs it to see if its still attached, once she knows it is, she keeps on about her day/doings.

About the 20 month thing ... I get you are looking at the timeline and figuring out how to plot an estimate of when this is over ... I was the poster child for this, had an excel spreadsheet and everything and was bound determeined I could cure her and get her to wake up and come back to the marriage. It worked ... she came back after about 3-4 years and then I learned the most brutal of lessons. You can not increase the temperature to bake the cake ... turned out the outside it looked cooked ... but she was a gooey mess on the inside and back into the tunnel she went. All be told mine went into MLC Nov 2011 ish ..... and from what I can tell she came out for the most part Oct-Dec 2019.

I know its not the things you or anyone wants to hear but its her journey and you just have to focus more on you and how you can use this time to become the best version of you that you can be. You are new .. .looking for answers and you will find some of them here, in my experience with this I found most the answers within after I really focused on what I needed to do.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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i feel like I am in h*ll. I just cant belive all of this crap. I hadent heard from her in over a month, and then she contacts me wanting to move forward with a divorce. I just cant understand al this. she wants me to meet her a notary Saturday to sign the papers. I don't want to. what am I supposed to do. refuse to sign them, just give up and cave in? I do not know know what to do at this point. I just cant belive the person she is today. I am so broken down. I think I am doing ok, working on me, but I keep getting kicked down. what am I supposed to do????

Last edited by job; 06/04/20 06:58 PM. Reason: edited language
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The divorce doesn't mean anything in your journey. It is horrible to go through but it changes nothing. Many marriages are restored after divorce, so you can keep standing if you want to stand.

The divorce is the business side of things. It is about how to divide what you own together and how to deal with the kids, etc. Do not sign anything without being sure it is an equitable split or at least exactly what you can live with as far as finances, accounts, property and kids.

Go scream into the forest and cry and pray and do whatever you need to but with her, stay calm. You can say, "I would be glad to look at the papers but I can't sign something so quickly. Please send me the papers and I will take a look and get back to you soon."

Keep in mind that many on these boards, such as DnJ, got a very good business deal by allowing the MLCer to proceed quickly. It is much better to let her finalize things before she realizes that she could "get more," or, as in my case, before she tries to get more and drives you out of your mind for two years doing it, even though she can't actually get more.

No rational person would create a business deal and then call the partner to demand he sign away his share two days later. Don't get sucked into her frenzied mania. But do make sure you get an equitable business deal and proceed as quickly as you can while being clear-headed. Read through the proposal slowly and propose the changes you need and get back to her quickly. Be ready to give way on a lot if it will help you avoid lawyers and judges, as you will waste a lot of time and money that way. Ask yourself how much you are willing to pay for peace and have that in your mind as you compromise. (And in the meantime, pull out half of all your savings and everything and put it in your own account, and block her use of your credit cards.) The love and marriage part will not change even if she ends the business side, if you choose to stand. She can come back with or without the divorce, and she can also not come back. I know how much it hurts, but you have to trust the rest of us who went through it and understand that it doesn't mean anything. Let the pain sweep over you but don't let her see your pain. You will get through it. Put on your business hat and look through everything, or ask a friend to do it with you if you can't think clearly. Take it to a couple lawyers and get their opinions on it as a way of seeing if there is a lawyer you want to work with.

Last edited by Gerda; 06/04/20 06:29 PM.

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Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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I just feel so d@nm dibiltated, and defeted.

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Goonies I completely understand and can still remember feeling the exact same way. The day I received the divorce papers my world just fell apart, something I didn’t think was possible because it already had, so I thought. I couldn’t see anywhere to go and just couldn’t understand how It could every be fixed. How could H ever come out of this? Is there really any point in even trying? How did this even happen? And many many more questions. It still feels like that now at times but I have learnt that the best thing to do is first of all step back and breathe. Don’t sign anything today don’t do anything today just wait for your mind and emotions to catch up so that you can look at this calmly and as objectively as possible. Yes she’s now asking for a D but it won’t happen tomorrow or next week, you have time and it won’t be as bad as you think. Take my H he filed in November 17 and only now are we potentially close to reaching a financial agreement because he has stalled left, right and centre. Just remember not to look beyond tomorrow with her as she will be up and down with the craziness sending you a new curveball. I know that not a nice feeling but work on detachment and in time it will get easier to do.

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Hello G

Breathe. It’s ok.

(((Big Bro Hug)))

Gerda and Foxpop have given good advice.

G, you are on two paths. One of healing and one of business deal gone bad. Each path has their own timelines, constraints, hurdles, accomplishments, etc.

The business side needs to be treated as such - business. Divorce is just a deal gone bad or sideways. Keep your emotions out of any negotiations or dealings. And get a lawyer!

No matter what - DO NOT sign anything without your lawyer looking it over first.

Let me give you some specific suggestions and advice:

Originally Posted by GOONIES
i feel like I am in h*ll.

Yes, it feels like h3ll. It is not h3ll, just feels like it. Feelings do flit away when we stop reinforcing them. Feelings are not permanent.

Let the feelings wash over and through you. Then use your mental assertiveness to re-focus yourself. With practice and time this becomes much much easier. This is from a guy (me) who could barely do more than get through a day minute by minute. Trust me, it gets better!

Something to work on: Accuracy.

Work to see things with accuracy. The more clearly you see something, the better you can deal with it. Accuracy requires rationalizing. It brings whatever it is, into the realm of the rational, the realm of your direct control and influence. The realm of your thoughts and logic. (Less feelings, more thoughts).

For example, the feeling like h3ll. Instead, describe it more precisely. A terrible pain across and through my chest which spreads down each arm. Something like that, makes it more real, less vague, and therefore more within your grasp. And when seeing your feelings more accurately, you can see how you are reinforcing them. It takes time. Be patient and gentle on yourself.

Originally Posted by GOONIES
I just cant belive all of this crap.

Watch out what you say - for your mind is listening.

I know that ^^^ was more an expression than an actually accurate statement. However, your mind makes it real.

“I just can’t believe...” - gets reinforced within your subconscious mind and you won’t believe.

Very few things are accurately “can’t”. It’s actually “won’t”. Or cannot yet. Can’t is permanent and aside from “you can’ t get pregnant”, there isn’t much you can’t do.

Try is another one of those words that sneak in. Try - predestines us to fail. Use do or do not.

Can, can’t, will, won’t, do, don’t, try - they all have a different feeling and thought when you read them and speak them. Your mind is listening. Do use the correct word, and the one you want/need to hear.

Originally Posted by GOONIES
I hadent heard from her in over a month, and then she contacts me wanting to move forward with a divorce. I just cant understand al this. she wants me to meet her a notary Saturday to sign the papers.

Her being in a rush, or not being in a rush, does not dictate your actions.

Business deal gone bad. Keep your emotions out of it. Find detachment.

So what if she is suddenly in a rush. She’s been silent for over a month. Don’t worry about her needing things signed tomorrow.

Originally Posted by GOONIES
I don't want to. what am I supposed to do. refuse to sign them, just give up and cave in? I do not know know what to do at this point.

I suspect you have a lawyer by this point (if not, get one!)

Do not sign anything this quickly. And for sure have your L look it over.

Any paperwork should be sent to your L, not you. Have W send stuff to L. Your L and her L should be hashing this out. That’s what you pay him/her for. It also puts a nice buffer in place which helps with detachment.

Be detached and indifferent when dealing with this business. Yeah, when we are hurting, like you are now, it is very difficult to focus and act in our best interests. Our emotions get in the way. We don’t see all that clearly. A lawyer usually does. Seek legal guidance.

If you need financial security or protection - get it.

If things are financial ok, and you don’t see any huge pending disruption, let her do the heavy lifting.

However, as was said before - I am one of the ones that got a good deal. If your W is offering a good deal - take it. Her path is a long one. She might exit the tunnel and may even want to come back; that is a long time away. She may also never exit the tunnel. It’s her journey.

Point is, usually, the MLCer is more willing to negotiate/offer in your favour early on. The time when they are more guilty feeling. You might want to consider that if she does indeed make a good offer.

Divorce is only paper. It doesn’t preclude future possibilities.

Originally Posted by GOONIES
I just cant belive the person she is today. I am so broken down. I think I am doing ok, working on me, but I keep getting kicked down.

With complete empathy my friend. Who is kicking you down? Who do you feel is? Who do you think is?

Originally Posted by GOONIES
what am I supposed to do????

Keep getting back up.

Continue working on you.

Focus on you.

Detach and find indifference.

Walk the path of healing.

Walk the path of business.



G, this is a hard and horrible road to journey. And I guarantee you, it is much worth all the efforts.

You are doing well. Stay strong. Listen and heed the counterintuitive advice.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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