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Slarty #2872260 11/15/19 01:03 PM
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Is she still seeing OM? because you don’t share your bed with a wife who is currently cheating on you


Me 32. W. 30
T 10 years M 8
S 8

Bd 5-31-19
Slarty #2872274 11/15/19 04:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Slarty
I have been reading a lot about validating spouses feelings and this I see is where many of our issues arose in our marriage. We escalate conversations because we try to invalidate the other and "win". Rather than show empathy and understanding of where the other person is coming from. This is going to take the most practice for me. I am so used to doing the opposite that although I want to be saying the right things I have only been making things worse. I think I am going to do some practice with my brother. Having conversations and validating feelings in mock scenarios with him.

Hi Slanty,

Fantastic! I've read a book on listening, but my favorite video on the right attitude to listen, understand, and validate someone is just 3-minutes long. Google "Brene Brown Empathy".

Validation is a tool you can use with anyone--partners, children, customers.

I still feel defensive if someone snaps, "You promised you'd be here at 8 and it's 8:15!" I just don't respond with minimization "It's only 15 minutes"/"I'm only late once in a blue moon.", by ignoring them "::shrug shoulders::"/"Well, let's get on with it.", by defending "I didn't PROMISE"/"I can't control traffic.", by attacking "You're usually the late one"/"You should've told me if the timing was SO important", or bizarrely "I know how you feel."/"You're angry again." I first try to understand where they're coming from.

Once you validate, they often back down and are more receptive to your story. Note, validation doesn't imply agreement or being agreeable. You can understand and validate without agreeing at all.

It's hard practicing validation with someone who's suddenly re-written your history in a negative light, but if you manage to do it now, imagine how much easier it'll be if you reconcile or start anew. And in my personal experience, it does increase your chances of reconciling and/or being on better terms.

Traveler #2872275 11/15/19 05:01 PM
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Originally Posted by CWarrior

It's hard practicing validation with someone who's suddenly re-written your history in a negative light, but if you manage to do it now, imagine how much easier it'll be if you reconcile or start anew. And in my personal experience, it does increase your chances of reconciling and/or being on better terms.


This is so hard to understand, because the other person is so submerged in that negative narrative. And they probably repeat it to friends that don't know you ... it's maddening because you'd like to remind them that things were not quite how they recall.

Slarty #2872278 11/15/19 05:32 PM
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Originally Posted by ozman
Is she still seeing OM? because you don’t share your bed with a wife who is currently cheating on you


He left the bed and we've been coaching him to get back in it to regain some respect for himself and from her (although outwardly she'll be angry about it). If she wants to sleep somewhere else because he returned then that's her business.

Originally Posted by Slarty
This is a rough first night taking back the MBR full time. Our daughter sleeps in there and my W is saying she can never sleep with our daughter again. That she is stuck on the uncomfortable couch. Her dog that sleeps in the bed wont stay on the couch so she doesnt have him either.
I know that I have been told this is for the best especially with a WAW who is having a PA, but man. It doesnt feel right now like it is helping us at all. Especially with all my relationship talk yesterday and this morning piled on. She is going to have a complete meltdown with all this pressure. I feel like I am pushing her more in to the arms of the OM.


Your D is two? Does she have her own room? It's time for her to start sleeping in it. You do not want to fall into this pattern of your D sleeping in your room, the longer you let it go on the harder it will be to break her of the habit. There's a lot of info on the Internet about transitioning them out of the MBR, look into it. This is another way you can gain some respect, by showing yourself as a strong parental figure. As for the dog not sleeping with your W, wow isn't that a tragedy. If your W can't stand being in the same bed as you and she chooses to sleep elsewhere, LET HER. All of the resulting fallout from that decision is HER PROBLEM.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
AnotherStander #2872281 11/15/19 06:02 PM
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Your D is two? Does she have her own room? It's time for her to start sleeping in it. You do not want to fall into this pattern of your D sleeping in your room, the longer you let it go on the harder it will be to break her of the habit. There's a lot of info on the Internet about transitioning them out of the MBR, look into it. This is another way you can gain some respect, by showing yourself as a strong parental figure. As for the dog not sleeping with your W, wow isn't that a tragedy. If your W can't stand being in the same bed as you and she chooses to sleep elsewhere, LET HER. All of the resulting fallout from that decision is HER PROBLEM.

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Yes my daughter is 2. She sleeps in her own toddler bed in the MBR. Funny you mentuon that, as I had just painted the spare bedroom that she will be sleeping in pink for my daughters impending arrival. It still needs one more touch up of paint. That is why the W slept on the couch last night.
I didnt tell my wife i was painting my daughters room, action, not words. When my W saw it she asked what was going on.
I told my W that our daughter is moving into that room before her 3rd bday (in January). My wife asked where she was supposed to sleep. I said that was not my problem but our daughter needs her own room. My daughter loves the color and is calling it her room now.

Slarty #2872282 11/15/19 06:03 PM
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Sorry that last post was to follow up on AnotherStanders point.

Slarty #2872359 11/16/19 02:25 PM
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First night in the MBR together and as of now nothing to report. Which is a good thing. Thanks again for all the insight and slaps on my face along the way so far. I needed this awakening.

Slarty #2872463 11/18/19 01:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Slarty
Funny you mentuon that, as I had just painted the spare bedroom that she will be sleeping in pink for my daughters impending arrival. It still needs one more touch up of paint. That is why the W slept on the couch last night.
I didnt tell my wife i was painting my daughters room, action, not words. When my W saw it she asked what was going on.
I told my W that our daughter is moving into that room before her 3rd bday (in January). My wife asked where she was supposed to sleep. I said that was not my problem but our daughter needs her own room. My daughter loves the color and is calling it her room now.


PERFECT. Well done!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Slarty #2872507 11/18/19 06:03 PM
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Slarty, you moving your daughter to her room while W sleeps on the couch gives me an idea :-)

My W took over the living room, she calls it her "apartment" and has the kids recognizing it as such. Basically she's sleeping in a couch, and put some drawers for her clothes. What irks me about this is who odd it is, I had asked her to go sleep in one of the kids bedroom (I offered the MBR first, she said 'that's NOT MY (her) bed').

So she's right there in the front of the house taking that space. Problem is, we usually put the Christmas tree right there, and her drawers are getting in the way of the Christmas tree.

I really want to decorate with the kids, so I'm thinking of not kicking her out but at least rearranging that area to accommodate for the Christmas tree. Perfect time to do so is when she leaves on one of her weekend outings she does. Should I tell her that's my plan, or just do it?

It's going to irk her either way I think ...

Slarty #2872512 11/18/19 06:16 PM
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Originally Posted by "Slarty"
I didnt tell my wife i was painting my daughters room, action, not words. When my W saw it she asked what was going on.

Impressive actions. I hope you had a good weekend.

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