I have been reading this forum for the past several weeks. Thank you to all of the members who routinely give advice to people like me who find themselves in these very tough situations.
Although I have been reading these forums for weeks and trying to digest every piece of advice, I am having a hard time applying some of it to my situation and would appreciate tips from the veterans. First, let me say that I have read DR and all of the welcome posting several times each.
Now get ready for one of the most messed up situations ever posted on DB.
The wife and I have been together for 12 years and married for 9. I am in my early 50’s and she is 6 years younger than me. We have a kind, innocent and smart S7 together. We were both married before with no kids. Both to people that we had known during high school years. Mine was very brief because we did not date long before the marriage and were too different to be compatible. Hers ended due to mild physical and severe verbal abuse, jealously on H’s part and a general difference in values.
When we first met there was a strong connection and from that time on we rarely spent a night apart unless she was out of town for work. Fast forward a few years and we got married and began to start a family. We had no family of our own where we were living at the time and moved to be closer to her mother and step father for support and so that they could be a part of our child’s life. I will add that we had a hard time conceiving but were able to eventually do so with the help of a fertility specialist.
Regarding work, she is at an executive level for a very large company and travels frequently for her job. She makes a considerable amount more than me and can live and work from home almost anywhere there is a medium to large airport. The area where we now live does not have a high population density and my career has suffered as a result of that coupled with my decreased availability due to lifestyle and travel that she has held important.
She is often in the company of very well groomed, successful individuals with big personalities. From the beginning I knew that the jealousy played a part in the demise of her previous marriage and decided that I had to trust her completely for our relationship to work. She has always been a person of integrity and high moral values. She has also expressed disgust for individuals that cheated and did not honor their families during difficult times.
Over the last several years we have developed real problems in our marriage. I see them clearly now but did not believe they were that bad at the time. Sex became scripted with me being the one to always initiate. It slowly deteriorated and became non-existent about a year ago. Nothing I ever did seemed good enough and the nagging and criticism got worse. Coupled with the daily grind of chores, work and raising a son we were drifting apart while I became complacent. She would tell me that we needed to see a marriage counselor and that I felt like a roommate. The topic usually came up around some other disagreement and I dismissed it as her being upset about something else. Although we had issues, we got along really well most of the time. I love my wife dearly and felt she loved me too. It never occurred to me that our marriage was in serious trouble.
Fast forward to September of this year. It was my birthday and we had a big party with close friends at a vacation spot we rented and she gave me a VERY expensive gift. Amazing weekend. She said she had been planning it for 2 years. Two weeks later she went out of town alone to visit her aunt and her cousin back in a city near her hometown. They attended a concert together that was being marketed by the cousin’s husband.
The day she was to return I got a call from the cousin. “Apparently your wife came here this weekend to sleep with my husband”. Then the screenshots of text messages started flowing. My heart sank lower that I could have ever imagined possible and has not recovered since. She had arrived the day before the concert and spent that night with the OM, on his and her cousin’s wedding anniversary. She then danced and partied with her aunt and cousin all through the next day at the concert without showing an ounce of remorse. The cousin accidentally found the messages on his phone and left a note for him not to come home (they were staying in a hotel near the concert venue) This is important as the way she left it, there was no way to collect proof of infidelity.
When my wife came home, she was at first under the impression that she was followed by a PI as I sent a text to the other wife to that effect in an effort to help her get a confession from her husband. My wife was honest about the affair and said that it started as a friendship several months before with him reaching out for business advice. She said that was the first time it became physical and it had not been her intention. I recorded that conversation. I later found out that she had been sneaking to message him through various apps like whatsapp and linkedin messenger going back as far as late July.
The OM proclaimed his love for my wife and that marriage is now over and the divorce is final. That couple have two children by the way. The individuals on that side of the family are disgusted with my wife's decisions and will never speak to her again. In hindsight I noticed changes in her behavior during the 3-6 months before I found out about the affair. We vacationed with her cousin and family at the beginning of the summer. She stayed up until the morning hours after everyone had gone to bed while partying and drinking with her cousin’s husband. I told her at the time that it was inappropriate and she firmly told me that I would not tell her what to do. Mid-summer we had them at our house for a week and she did the same again. Although she would occasionally do this type of thing in the past, it became more frequent, even if she were alone.
Although devastated, I wanted the R to work after finding about the A. She initially said the same but her behavior told me otherwise. She also told me that she had an incredible connection with the OM. Like nothing she has ever felt before and did not know if she could get past it. That stung pretty bad. He is also 9 years younger than her. It took me a while to find this place and I made mistakes. Although I did not say anything untrue, I did belittle pretty badly her for her decisions. We agreed to go to MC. I found a Phd that specializes in marriage and we made and appointment.
My wife has always been the type that looks for signs in everything. She went to counseling after her first divorce and valued the opinion of that counselor who in essence told her to follow her heart. She has read books that have resonated with her that have basically said the same thing.
So we go to counseling and told the story. The counselor said that anything can be fixed if we both wanted it. She urged my wife to use the decision making part of her brain to decide what she wanted and cautioned her from using the feelings part as feelings can mislead you. After counseling, my wife said that she fundamentally disagreed with the counselor, particularly with the follow your feelings part. She said that her success and everything good in her life is because she has always followed her heart (feelings). Uggghh.
Over the next couple of weeks she was on the fence but agreed to have no contact with the OM and to see if we could work on our marriage. I took the stance that I wanted to but it would take a lot of convincing on her part and that there would have to be transparency in place. She was not transparent and I later found out that she was still in contact with OM. A lot of contact, which she denied and said that he had called to check on her once and she kept the conversation brief. Lies. At this point she is leaning toward divorce as she said that she did not think she could ever trust me again because I hired a PI. I later told her that I did not. That didn’t seem to make a difference.
The one person in her life that she has always admired and trusted is her father. He lives in her hometown several states away. Again, hometown is about an hour away from OM. I have had a good relationship with him over the years. She reached out to him and he shared his story of infidelity early in his life (cheated on her mother and divorced as a result). Of course, he is only getting her side of the story. When she told him about me building a case against her, his advice was to get an attorney, which she did. She told me of that and various advice he had given her and it really hurt that he would support her efforts to destroy her family. I told her I thought it was bad advice and had some choice words about it. But I get it. He is trying to protect his little girl. I thought about calling him but decided to wait as she got mad when she found out I was spending time with her mother and stepfather.
Friday Oct 12. She is leaving to go to a work meeting at a resort for a week. OM, who never travels for work is also coincidently going to be out of town for 5 of the same days. It is a big no no for her to have company with her at a work meeting but I truly believe she was going to sneak him in to share the razzle dazzle of that environment. So, that Friday before she left, she was still on the fence with the R and I told her that I want a divorce. I didn’t but knew what she was about to do and wanted her to think about the consequences of her actions. Another mistake.
Monday Oct 14. I get a call from her mother. Her father has been tragically killed. My wife is full meltdown. Beyond hysterical. She left on a flight to her home town and had to have someone from work fly with her as she could not function. Airport is an hour away from her father. Aunt arrives to pick her up and has teenage cousin in tow. Wife says nope, not riding with you. Calls OM who picks her up, takes her to her father/stepmother’s house and does not leave until the next morning. I get a call from one of her friends to give me a heads up about this.
I took my son and after being in a holding pattern for several days went to her hometown and stayed in a hotel. Was there for her as much as she would let me and pretended to be in a loving relationship for the funeral.
She stayed in her hometown until Oct 31 taking care of her father’s businesses and she called to talk to our son almost every day. I say almost because she went dark several times. She eventually comes home and says that she wants a divorce. Blames me, saying that she cannot get over the things that I said. I told her that in light of recent events, it has made me realize my shortcomings, how important family is and that I do not want a divorce. She said that her mind is made up, that she knows herself and will not change her decision. I again told her that D is not what I want but will not trap her in a marriage and that we could talk about it after the holidays. She agreed but then wanted to talk about division of assets. I changed the subject and she has been nice since.
She left again for her hometown this Saturday to “take care of more business stuff” and again went dark for a period. Me and a friend took our boys on an overnight outing. She continues to be nice in our conversations but I feel it is because she wants the divorce to be amicable and does not want to be “publicly shamed” with a divorce based on adultery.
After typing all of this out, I realize how truly bleak the chances of reconciliation are. I am still going to try. I am working on GAL, trying to 180 without being super husband and have lost weight to the point I need new clothes. This has been the most emotionally draining time of my life. My little boy just lost his grandad and is very emotional about it. I think divorce is going to be extremely hard on him (and me).
She has no regard for my feelings, damage divorce will do to our son or the continued damage she is doing to her family.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
First , let me say I am sorry to hear about your FIL. Deaths always remind me that life is short.
As for your sitch with W, I challenge you to frame everything different. Everything happens for a reason. Most poster want to post about what Spouse did and why spouse did. If you frame it all about your personal growth, and how you respond "Better", I think that will help you move through the process much quicker than most.
Going through my divorce was the best worse thing that has happened to me. I fixed myself. I am committed to personal growth and continue to grow each day. Life long commitment.
With that said, now is a great time to reflect on what type of guy you want to be. There are no rules. Keep what you like, change what you don't. Change when ever you want. Next week, you might decided that you want to change a behavior that you liked today, that is OK.
One thing that worked well for me was to get my words,actions, thoughts and core values all aligned. Another was to understand the difference between attraction and seduction. Be attractive and seductive.
In hindsight, you can see how some of your actions were not wise. Now you know better. Problem is it is too late. Now you need the hindsight or wisdom of those of us here to address some behavior that you might not "see" as being unwise.
Glad you decided to post. Keep posting. It helps you navigate through this most difficult time of your life.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thank you for those words R2C. I am usually a very private person, hence why I was reluctant in the beginning to share my life with a MC. It was very hard to post my story here but those words of encouragement hit home a lot more because they were directed at me versus another poster.
