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How are you doing today KG?

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KG ~ How are things?

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Hello All!

I took a couple of days away for the holiday. End of year for work is tedious and so I have been hitting it hard. I ended up going to the NYE party with ww. We had a great evening filled with friends and laughter, but I was emotional and sensitive. I was kind of a jerk to her towards the end of the night and pushed her away. I am so scared of getting hurt again that I know it's a protective reaction on my part.

The next day we texted some and she told me that she knows that she wants to reconcile. She knows that she wants a future with me and that she will do whatever she has to do in order to make it a reality. That she is going to fight for us.

It's everything I want to hear. I told her that she knows what has to happen for me to even consider moving forward and that we cannot move forward while she has a girlfriend. I want all the things she says that she does. I know KG will be ok either way it goes.

I had some more work things to do yesterday and when she stopped by (for work), she told me that she ended everything with OW. She told me that she wanted to talk and asked if I could come over to her house after work. I agreed - plus it was my team's bowl game yesterday in football - woot!

We talked almost all night. She said that she knows that she wants us and our future. She said that she has been scared lately that I don't want the same things. We talked about our fears and what we both want moving forward. I explained that I want to take things slowly, and that there is so much trust that has to be rebuilt. She wants time before we even begin to try R for her to move on from OW. For her to fight and "make it stick". WW told me that she has never been able to open up to OW and that lately, OW has been pressuring her for commitment and for her to leave the MR. I listened and let her know that I am not ready to reconcile. That I want a future where we are together, but that she needs to fight for us and prove that she wants the same things.

I know this a lengthy update. I know I did not successfully go NC. I also know that I am going to try my best to not put any stock into what she is telling me without time and proof in the pudding. I am also going to keep growing and working myself and the things that make me happy outside of any relationship.

I hope you all had a fantastic NYE. If you didn't, take heart, it can only go up.

KG


LBW 32 - me
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Hi KG,

Sticking to your guns and telling her you aren't ready to reconcile until she can demonstrate through her actions, not just her words, that she's all in was probably really powerful. Great job!! I also think it is healthy that she wants some time to move on from OW. It feels like if you can stick with this, you've successfully removed yourself as the other ping-pong paddle-- whether you went fully NC or not-- you're still not playing the game anymore and she knows it. Time feels important now and so glad to hear you keep the focus on yourself and what makes you happy and fulfilled beyond your W.

Thanks for updating and for all your support-- YOU are an incredibly strong and amazing person and it feels so awesome to watch you take back your power. smile


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4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Proceed with caution, but if you feel it is best to proceed please do. We can't read the details in your sitch, and I truly truly hope this is a new type of R for you and your W.

I do have two thoughts that I hope don't rain on your parade. I'm not trying to be negative, but a realistic outsider.

1) WW has stated that OW has become pushy and it wasn't working. She also states she knows she wants a future with you. Really listen carefully to her reasoning, and determine if it is enough for you. Does she want to be with you because it wasn't working with OW, or because she wants YOU as a life partner with all of your glory and faults.

I hope it is the latter. But I want you to try to read between the lines here and really get as much information as you can while you move forward.

2) Request (require) that she get tested before intimacy. This is one way you can put your foot down and demand some respect from her. Prove you are taking care of YOURSELF with this requirement.

Lastly, you ask her to fight for you. That's a good request, but it also might not be realistic. Coming out of an affair sometimes people don't have "fight" in them. But demand respect and transparency in all things. Slow and growing committment might be more powerful than "fight". It's easy to make a big demonstrative showing of affection. It's harder to show slow growing true love and respect. The flashy fun stuff can come later, when you're fully a unit again.

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Those that go back too quickly and let the other come back too easily have less chances of making the R work.

I believe you are easily seduced by WW words. Trust her actions over a longer period.

Do you have your list of non-negotiables?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Yail,

No rain here in this fabulous parade. I'm trying to ignore the grand gestures because, honestly, I don't trust it yet. Every fiber of my heart wants it to be true, but it feels like a pipe dream. Therefore, I value realistic and honest opinions. They keep me grounded.

Originally Posted by Yail


1) WW has stated that OW has become pushy and it wasn't working. She also states she knows she wants a future with you. Really listen carefully to her reasoning, and determine if it is enough for you. Does she want to be with you because it wasn't working with OW, or because she wants YOU as a life partner with all of your glory and faults.



The way she spoke it seemed to be more of the latter. She was very clear that she thought if she left me, that they would have a successful relationship and could be very happy. WW also felt very clear about the fact that, although it could be a great relationship, she did not feel like she wanted to open up on a deeper level with OW as I have historically been that person for her.

As far as intimacy goes, I think we're a long way from that. One of her biggest fears is that she won't be able to connect with me in that way anymore. Side note: we always had a fantastic sex life and have both acknowledged that it was never an issue. We shall see where the cookie crumbles.

KG


LBW 32 - me
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Quote
I know this a lengthy update. I know I did not successfully go NC. I also know that I am going to try my best to not put any stock into what she is telling me without time and proof in the pudding. I am also going to keep growing and working myself and the things that make me happy outside of any relationship.


That wasn't lengthy, have you read any of my posts? Ha!

I agree with R2C. Proceed slowly. Believe nothing, verify everything. Enforce boundaries. Don't set boundaries you won't enforce.

I took my WW back very easily every time, it didn't work well. Just remember that nothing requires an immediate answer. I'd be cautious about her having ended things.

Good luck.


H 34
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BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Hey Kristin -

It's nice to hear positive news, and it sounds like W is saying the right things. But as you know by now, words have to be backed up by consistent actions, and time is needed to rebuild trust.

I might recommend taking this very slowly. Keep your guard up for now - the last thing you want is to get into a game of pursuit and distance. That's not to say to be mean or cold (I advocate kindness as much as is possible), but it's to suggest that you protect KG.

Another thing you don't want is W thinking "it isn't working out with OW, at least I still have KG", because then this whole thing has a much greater chance of repeating itself somewhere down the line.

You seem to be a very level headed individual, and you seem to be growing stronger every day. Good for you - keep going! smile

Take care - and Happy New Year!

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Ovr,

LOL at your post. I have definitely read some novels typed out on your thread! I'm still trying to come up with a list of boundaries. I think I have read through setting boundaries and the thread here 1000 times. It still is an area in which I don't even know how to begin or practice in everyday life. I have no way currently to verify anything about whether ww is still in contact. I am trying to trust her words and my gut. I haven't snooped on her in months and it was really toxic for me and limited my own personal growth, so I really don't want to go back to that insanity. I am definitely taking things slow and trying to give it all time to see if she will stick to her words.

IW,

Consistent actions my friend. This is my new mantra HA! You're absolutely right in that I have to continue to protect myself. I hope you're doing well and I will dip in on your thread soon.

Here is the link to the new thread peeps.

Through The Storm III

KG


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
No Kids
4 dogs

Separated 1y
Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
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