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A Message from Michele
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Re: Things are trending up... [Re: unchien] #2872450
11/18/19 11:46 AM
11/18/19 11:46 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 3,198
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LH19 Online
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LH19  Online
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U,

Pushing for D when it benefits you and and protects you is definitely the right thing to do and understandable in your case.

I actually see your path to reconciliation to be easier then most. There is no OP which IMO helps with trust issues.

I think the number one problem in all this is timing. It takes the WW too long to come out of the crisis. I have seen AS write that his W is just coming out of it and he is seven years in.

100% your W will struggle.


M:50 W:45
T:22 M:16
S:14 D:10

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Things are trending up... [Re: unchien] #2872453
11/18/19 12:42 PM
11/18/19 12:42 PM
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 374
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IronWill Offline
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IronWill  Offline
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Hey U -

I agree with LH. Of all the things you have to deal with, you could get through it if it were not for time.

I am only starting to get a grasp on exactly what it is my W is going through (finally), and just how long this is going to take. it has been nearly 15 months for me.

Over the many arguments/BDs/discussions we had in the beginning of all this, I pieced together from what she told me that it was another year and a half to two years prior to that that she had been "feeling differently" but was too afraid to tell me.

So that's my timeline - and I think I'm probably somewhere around halfway through this. It seems our stories are similar, so I would estimate we are both probably in the 5-7 year timeframe. If they get through this, that is.

Right now, interactions with your W are going to lead to you being blamed for everything. It was the same way in my sit while my W was going through her anger phase. She has only just started to show that she is beginning to move out of it, and there are moments where I can see that it returns briefly. The more you attempt to reason with, communicate to, or try to understand why she is treating you the way she is, or talking about you the way she is, the farther you will push her away (and the farther you will push yourself away).

This may eventually entrench those feelings of resentment in the both of you, which I would suggest is not something that would be good for you, her, or your children in the future.

Knowing all that, and knowing that at your core you are a great person who cares about his kids very much, and knowing that your W is looking for anyone else to blame for how she is feeling right now, what do you think the best course of action would be? Do you think it's productive to keep worrying about what your W is saying about you, or how she thinks she views you right now? Also - do you think that rushing through this process will end the pain? Do you think it will all stop the minute mediation is done?

Of course it is all up to you to decide, and this is only advice from someone behind a keyboard who is reading words on a screen. I can't know your sit like you do - none of us can - but I can tell you what I see from what I'm reading. I see someone who is hurt, someone who is struggling to understand what has happened, and someone who is looking to end the pain as quickly as possible. And I get it, 100 percent. Believe me.

But I also see someone who still has a tiny glimmer of hope of R in the far far future. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm totally off base here, but if what LH says is true and from what I have seen from you in the past 8 months I think it is, I would at least give some consideration to slowing down. again, you don't have to - you can do what you feel is best, but I think if you find ways to let your sit settle, let yourW live without you and see that it is not all Rose's, and that it is not you who is to blame for everything, I think you have a shot at having an amicable new R with your W (regardless if you end up D or not)

Take care U - stay strong, buddy smile

Last edited by IronWill; 11/18/19 12:44 PM.
Re: Things are trending up... [Re: IronWill] #2872536
11/18/19 08:06 PM
11/18/19 08:06 PM
Joined: May 2019
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unchien Offline OP
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unchien  Offline OP
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Joined: May 2019
Posts: 919
Originally Posted by LH19
Pushing for D when it benefits you and and protects you is definitely the right thing to do and understandable in your case.

I think the number one problem in all this is timing. It takes the WW too long to come out of the crisis. I have seen AS write that his W is just coming out of it and he is seven years in.

Originally Posted by IronWill
do you think that rushing through this process will end the pain? Do you think it will all stop the minute mediation is done?

IW, I agree that finalizing a D is not going to make me feel any better about the emotional pain. But I do need to protect myself with regards to the kids and money. In both areas I am sacrificing a lot.

Also, continuing to support my W's lifestyle (which is essentially the same as our MR except I've moved out and I have the kids 4 days every 2 weeks) is not going to be helpful for her.

Legal S could be an option, but I see little difference between a legal S and a D other than semantics. I could be wrong. With a long timeline I doubt that it matters. Regardless I need a formal agreement. We have tried it the informal way for 5 months, and it results in way too much interaction about logistics and way too many misunderstandings. That's the most blameless way I can put it.

Maybe the hardest thing to let go of is my W's belief that I want a D. I'm sure upcoming events will only cement her belief. It's outside my control and hence I should not care. But I do need to protect myself. Continuing in our current separation is not standing for my MR. I need to move my little picnic outside the castle walls =)


M: 11, T: 15
S7, D5, D3
MC1: 09/2018-01/2019
BD: 06/12/19
MC2: 06/12/19-??
S: 06/29/19-??
Re: Things are trending up... [Re: LH19] #2872555
11/18/19 09:24 PM
11/18/19 09:24 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 7,475
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AnotherStander Offline
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Originally Posted by LH19
I think the number one problem in all this is timing. It takes the WW too long to come out of the crisis. I have seen AS write that his W is just coming out of it and he is seven years in.


Yes, absolutely. It was a solid 5 years post BD before she started showing signs of her old self, I really thought she had changed for good. At first there were just glimpses of the old her, but over time she's become more and more like the person I remember being married to. I don't think she went through MLC, but certainly her recovery timeline mirrors that of an MLCer. That's not to say she'll ever hit me up for recon, I don't get any sense that she would. But it's still interesting to see how long it can take before they come out of the fog and start acting like their "old self".


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Things are trending up... [Re: unchien] #2872582
11/18/19 11:56 PM
11/18/19 11:56 PM
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 374
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IronWill Offline
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IronWill  Offline
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
At first there were just glimpses of the old her, but over time she's become more and more like the person I remember being married to.... it's still interesting to see how long it can take before they come out of the fog and start acting like their "old self".


Not to hijack here, but I thought I would quickly add that I am also beginning to experience the glimpses of W's old self, very sporadically. From what I have learned in my sit, it is about 2.5 to 3 yrs into her crisis (or whatever you want to call it)

The timeline is very long, I finally get it now.

Originally Posted by Unchien

IW, I agree that finalizing a D is not going to make me feel any better about the emotional pain. But I do need to protect myself with regards to the kids and money. In both areas I am sacrificing a lot.


I apologize for seeming harsh before - I reread what I wrote and I think what I was trying to impart (poorly) was that you are going to have this person in your life for a long time, D or not - because you have kids together.

If you find the things you are doing are not working, I might suggest you consider changing something - something quantifiable, but do it for your own sake. I really don't know what that would be, in the interests of anonymity, but maybe a shift in how you communicate with W...?

Originally Posted by Unchien

Also, continuing to support my W's lifestyle (which is essentially the same as our MR except I've moved out and I have the kids 4 days every 2 weeks) is not going to be helpful for her.

Actions have consequences. My W got extremely angry when I told her point blank I was not going to keep paying for mutual things if she was on her way out the door. It was a terrible time for both of us emotionally, but eventually things calmed down afterwards when she realized I was not going to cave one inch on that. It was a reality check - something that WAS's absolutely want no part of.

Originally Posted by Unchien

Maybe the hardest thing to let go of is my W's belief that I want a D. I'm sure upcoming events will only cement her belief. It's outside my control and hence I should not care. But I do need to protect myself. Continuing in our current separation is not standing for my MR. I need to move my little picnic outside the castle walls =)

It's all up to you, U. She will think what she thinks, but you do have the control here - that's the thing a lot of us LBSs forget. You can choose to stand or you can tell yourself you've had enough and walk. But make sure you are absolutely certain this is really something you want to do, and that it is the best course of action for you and your kids.

I wish you the best, buddy! smile

Re: Things are trending up... [Re: unchien] #2872596
11/19/19 04:33 AM
11/19/19 04:33 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 919
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unchien Offline OP
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Joined: May 2019
Posts: 919


M: 11, T: 15
S7, D5, D3
MC1: 09/2018-01/2019
BD: 06/12/19
MC2: 06/12/19-??
S: 06/29/19-??
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