Not Loving Limbo

[Choco44]

Thanks! It’s hard to balance the cake eating with the 180. I made myself pretty scarce yesterday. Didn’t see him at all. 1 email about sports practice and one text letting him know there’s leftovers in the fridge for dinner. He makes coffee in the morning before work, so I feel like I should at least consider what he’s going to eat for dinner when he gets home late.

[Choco44]

Hi Choco,

I'm sorry you're here and going through this. I have a few questions below because I really want us to understand your situation so we can do our best to help you. Take care, and well wishes.

Thank you, I appreciate it!

Husband had an affair 11 years ago and we reconciled.

Are there any indicators of an affair now?

Yes, he could very well be having another affair or at least strongly considering it right now.
Red flags started about 5 months ago such as working out, buying new underwear, not wearing his ring (suddenly it cut his finger when he was golfing 🙄) Also, last time his actions were similar..couldn’t stand to be near me anymore and slept on the couch.
Entirely possible, but I’m just too tried to try to prove it right now.

Also, he spoke with my daughters councillor who told him us getting divorced right now would be catastrophic for her.

Do you agree?

Yes, probably. She has been seeing this therapist for mental health issues for 5 years.

Also, How do I know he’s not moving around finances, etc....how can I get my ducks in a row in case this really does go South?

Retain an attorney. Get a free consultation.

Good idea. I contacted one yesterday and his consultation fee is $350. I wonder if the free ones not that good!

I kind of feel like this is allowing him to live a double life...getting all the benefits of home life (no sex) but experimenting with freedom and what it would be like to be single.

In what way(s) do you see him experimenting with what it would be like to be a single man?

Well, he "doesn’t want to be in the marriage anymore" and plans to "continue to go to work and be a father, but not an husband." So basically, he can come and go without having to answer to me and do whatever he wants, I guess? Cake eating!

I want to talk about selling the house, and money, etc. to give him a little does of reality, but so far I haven’t said anything.

Sounds like drama. I'd skip anything like this.

Ok, thanks...

I wrote an apology letter (2 wks ago) and he knows I would do anything to save the marriage (which he said makes things worse, because "why couldn’t you do that before."

What did you apologize for? You mention your 180s involved less contact with him, and you want to give him doses of reality.. do any of your 180s address what you were apologizing for?

Well, I was reading on another site and this guy suggested writing an apology letter addressing his complaints without making excuse 🙄 and basically finding small ways to connect through the days and weeks. I apologized for the things he expressed had hurt him throughout our marriage.

And yes, many of my 180s address a few of the things I was apologizing for (keeping the house spotless 🙄 for one. I think I see your point. That that would be less of a 180 and more of a catering to him, trying to win him back?

Thanks so much for Input Warrior...I would appreciate any further insight you have on my situation. I couldn’t sleep at all last night...had to take an Ativan at 3 and still woke up at 7. 😢

[neffer]

Hi Choco, first time writting to you. I´m neffer. I was a WWH some time ago. Glad you found this site. Try to stick to DB basics. The sooner you apply them, the better.

It´s about changing yourself. Respecting yourself first. Accepting reality, having no fear. Learn to know yourself, live into present time. Past is past, future is unknown. Avoid those anxiety triggers.

Time and patience.

DB!