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DrDet Offline OP
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Originally Posted by neffer
Well, remember some DB basics DD. Avoid MR talks, validate feelings and believe nothing that they say...

Keep detaching. Keep DB

Stay strong there man.


What does detaching look like in practice?

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Originally Posted by kas99
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Wow--I wonder what your boys were thinking/feeling, watching their mom cry to panic attack levels as you engaged them with games. Which raises another point--your relationship with them is worth considering. Often separations and divorces can damage relationships with the kids.


I could be wrong but it sounded like to me she was trying to claim the victim role to get him back "coddling" her. I suspect the kids have seen this behavior before.


That's what I keep thinking as well, ie manipulation. Both via the crying in front of us, then last night with the bit about me not showing her that I care

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That's what I keep thinking as well, ie manipulation. Both via the crying in front of us, then last night with the bit about me not showing her that I care


I deleted my post because I wanted to be more positive. I was like this before I got on medication. For me it was a combination of extreme codependency and an inability to calm myself down.

Last edited by kas99; 09/25/19 07:27 PM.
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Originally Posted by DrDet
Originally Posted by neffer
Well, remember some DB basics DD. Avoid MR talks, validate feelings and believe nothing that they say...

Keep detaching. Keep DB

Stay strong there man.


What does detaching look like in practice?


Is to be free, to feel that freedom and live that freedom. And you let her go, no expectations whatsoever. Keep hope, keep DB.

Detaching from Cadet’s welcome post.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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Well, found out that my wife was taking a day off of work to, in her words, work on her resume and apply for more jobs, but to also meet the OM for a picnic lunch and her explanation was that she wanted his advice on her resume. I'm a 20-year HR guy and she has plenty of friends and family in her field. Led to a very long conversation, but the end point is still that she's done.

I blew up the planned lunch meeting. Texted the OMs wife (The OMs family and ours were very close, kids still hang out and play, and I am in touch with his wife), though she replied the next morning that she'd talk to him that evening, wtf? Ultimately, the wife sent me several angry texts and they didn't meet.

Anyway, that long conversation after I confronted her about the lunch date...I went on to tell her I wasn't financing her affair any longer. I explained that we wouldn't be doing the live in separation while she continued her affair. She tried wriggle by saying they weren't (and then later on saying that they were) in some sort of regular contact. She then asked if I was interested in divorcing and I said yes, she asked if I was interested in mediation and I said, of course. She was surprised by this response. I laid out a very clear path that we get this done sooner rather than later and that I would not be financing her and her affair through next summer so, in her words, the boys could adjust to the new living arrangement. Which in her mind was us keeping the house and us rotating, ie, one of us living here while the other lived in a second residence. I simply said, no, that's not going to work for me.

She repeatedly said that the affair wouldn't have happened if I didn't leave her feeling lonely by withdrawing and isolating myself. She explained that she's out of tries and out of hope. She tried so hard for years and years and years. I responded by saying that I'm not rejecting her perception, but that I didn't agree with her perspective that our marriage simply bad every year. But that's her truth.

She's very upset (crying) that she's in a position where she has no retirement and no income to support herself or herself and the kids. She kept remarking about how I'm the one with the career, I bought the house, and she can't support herself. That she ****ed herself by choosing to be a sahm, a decision we both made. She asked whether there's a possibility that we could move back to our home state so that the kids could grow up around her family. I said, sure, as a family we would, otherwise, why am I moving back? She raised the point that, right, I'd give her what she wanted so long as we stayed married, ie., she played the you're holding me hostage card.

This was not a conversation that we should have had, but I was weak and had it anyway. I was painful to hear her again tell me that I didn't step up and didn't show up in the marriage leaving her hanging and alone; that my past behaviors were abusive; and that I chose to remain angry or chose to withdraw and isolate rather than choose her and the family. I see why she thinks that. I also explained that I wasn't intentionally trying to just be the angry guy or to show her I didn't care by withdrawing. I was ****ing depressed and was in denial. I thought I was getting better only to fall back on my same behaviors. But she really believes (and I get it) that I wasn't willing to change or to work on me.

But what got her really fired up was when she asked what I was thinking about post-divorce living arrangements and I flatly said that I'm planning on keeping the house and joint 50-50 custody and parenting time. Wow...she was basically hyperventilating. She got up from the table and walked away saying, so, you get to keep the house and the boys and I lose, that I have to remain married to you so I don't end up in a one bedroom apartment. I tried at this moment to quiet things down, slow things down by reminding her to just breath, to slow down, we're not there, yet. Didn't work. Sarcastically she said good night hubby before turning around and jumping on me with her legs wrapped around smacking kisses on the head saying, see happy wife. You get to stay married.

Part of me wants to expose this to her immediate family. I think that maybe she's still in the affair fog and exposure might snap her out of it. But it feels also like it would be vindictive and would lead to more acrimony.

Nonetheless, I am no longer resisting mediation and agreed to attend along with some parenting classes that are required.

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I seriously doubt that by exposing the affair, etc. to her immediate family will snap her out of it. Be careful...blood is thicker than water when it comes to families and their wayward/MLC family members. Best to leave this alone.

Keep the focus on you and what your goals are in respect to your home and children.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi Det,

There’s nothing weak about deciding a relationship isn’t for you and moving on. The only reason this may read as a tragedy is you said all this when you were feeling upset. Often when we’re upset we say things we wouldn’t on another day, and what we say has long-term consequences. If you’re still on-board in a week, no tragedy.

“Required parenting classes” — Sounds wise to do any required parenting classes. Good anger management techniques could help make and keep unsupervised 50/50 custody a reality.

Financially, in the USA courts will ensure your wife gets adequate alimony and child support to survive and probably do better than she fears just now. That will all become clearer in time.

Last edited by CWarrior; 09/28/19 04:17 PM.
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