The behaviour of an MLCer is hard to read. They can run hot and cold, nice then angry, all being driven from their emotional path. H’s latest being nice, of course makes you suspicious. It is interesting when they start paying attention again; to people and pets they’ve ignored for years. Pets being the least hurt by their behaviour and therefore the less threatening, are the first the MLCer usually emotionally reaches out to.
Originally Posted by Foxpop
I am very suspicious but curious as H has been firmly in his own bubble for so long. But I’m keeping my head down, staying friendly but at a distance and observing whilst keeping my guard up and trying really hard to keep my hopes at zero. This could hurt if I don’t so I’m going to keep doing me.
Yes, there is a possibility for further hurt. However, you know H’s projections and justifications, his lashing out, is all about him not you. Therefore it cannot hurt you. You are stronger and wiser than you think.
Good for you to remain friendly and at a distance. Notice not “but at a distance” - wording influences us more than we realize. Friendly and distance are compatible, no need to use but. But denotes and defines the sharp contrast between incompatible items, makes things look like a either/or scenario; friendly / distance - need not be defined that way.
A word on hope as well. It is expectations you need to keep at zero. Hope, you can allow and encourage to live.
Expectation is hope with a timeframe, with a deadline. Expectations have a time component which can expire and therefore becomes unmet. Expectations also have a more realistic possibility, as in they are much more likely to be probably. Unmet expectations breeds resentment, which erodes at us.
The other end of the spectrum is wishes. These are hopes that are far more fantasy based. Unrealistic and unlikely to come to fruition. As in, I really wish I win the lottery.
This is the spectrum of hope/desire. Expectations to wishes, realistic to fanciful. Hopes lay in the middle, with no timeframe, and embraces the possibilities. Hope lives within the possibilities.
To keep expectations to zero, remove the timeframe. It’s ok to hope.
Continue moving forward and doing you, focusing on you. H might be looking about and noticing some stuff; and I do hope so. However, as you wisely know, that doesn’t alter your course.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Well I have heard from my solicitor and H has confirmed our agreement and the papers are ready for my approval so that H can send them to court. He's moving the D on all though slowly but we are not there yet and anything could still happen I suppose. I'm surprised that people think I should be relieved that H is moving forward with the D almost like it's the best thing that could be happening to me, yes I want the stress over with but I'm not exactly doing cartwheels over the end of my marriage. I have had almost 4 years to look back on our M and I have even been over it with my ic and even now I can say hand on heart that our m was genuinely good, despite what H said.
Anyway today H has shown a little bit more of the Mlc crazy. He has been using our streaming account ever since he left but in Feb he removed his wages from our joint account (his way of punishing me for having a long weekend away whilst leaving him to look after our D ) leaving me to pay for it. So when he accidentally logged himself out and couldn't sign back in, because I changed the password, he actually couldn't believe that I wouldn't let him have the details to log back in. He was actually surprised and couldn't understand why I wouldn't want my SXH using an account that I pay for. Sometimes I really do despair .It's crazy moments like this that remind me he is in crisis and that this is not because of me or our marriage.
That happened to me with so many things but your post made me remember our YMCA membership. I kept him on there for five years after BD though he was AWOL and MIA and all that and though he never gave me a penny towards household or kids and regularly stole money. I thought, well, we are still a family and I should cover the family membership in case he wants to go with the kids sometime and so he doesn't feel I am kicking him out. Looking back that is so INSANE that I thought that way. But finally I told him I couldn't afford it anymore (this was while he was living with us and refusing to move out though he was divorcing me) and took him off so I could save the $75 a month. He went crazy, saying this was proof of what a terrible wife I was and was the very reason he could never be with me.
When you look back on it all, you really can't believe what you thought you had to navigate. I was watching AOC's speech yesterday and wondered how that young girl can think that clearly about respect and dignity when Gerda in her 40's got so confused.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
When you look back on it all, you really can't believe what you thought you had to navigate. I was watching AOC's speech yesterday and wondered how that young girl can think that clearly about respect and dignity when Gerda in her 40's got so confused.
Gerda I know that feeling very well.
H's behaviour seems to be getting slightly strange lately, I can only assume he's moving through the tunnel and the confusion is from the movement of going from one phase to another. If not he's possibly going a little mad. The last couple of weeks including the incident with my streaming service I have discovered that he has been blatantly abusing his sisters trust and using her subscription service without her permission and he's 'accidentally', done something else that Is clearly classed as theft but I'm so ashamed I can't go into another details other than he said it was by accident but seemed to think it was funny. H has never done such a thing and if he had he would have always been to worried about Karma. Back to questioning who this man is.
Feeling quite up beat today thanks to a conversation with my Solicitor to sort out the final papers for the financial order. It would appear H has made a few unexpected yet positive changers to the order so although he's still determined to keep most of the money he has decided to give me my spousal maintenance now and not after the house sells. This will be one massive financial help to me and will relieve so much stress and worry as he legally doesn't have to pay me this until it's sold. I was expecting to discover that this would be instead of the money from the savings but apparently he's still willing to give me that to. And finally he has withdrawn any claim on the contents of the house and Is allowing me to keep everything or sell what I don't want. Wow! this is a far cry from a year ago when he wanted to leave me with nothing. He knows I'm struggling finically but didn't appear to care but perhaps he has a conscience after all. He's also agreed to take over paying the insurance for his dog and so I gave him all the info but he's now insisting that we sit down together so he can show me what he has found and we can decide together. Needless to say I'm a little shocked by this sudden change in attitude. I can't help but think it will be followed by a big knife in the back as in previous encounters with H. He's also going away soon and for the first time in 3 years he's not going alone he's going away with his sister . He's told D to be a good girl for her mummy and to look after me which seems to be becoming a running theme with H .
So much strangeness in the space of less than a week it's hard to get my head around as it feels like after a long time of slow movement things are not just happening again but the movement is becoming fairly rapid. I just hope that all this sudden activity isn't going to bring me more misery.
