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Originally Posted by SoTorn
Shes your exww now. Do you have some hope of R? If not then why validate anything? Just ignore her. Thats what I do with my exww. Of she sends me emails or texts that have nothing to do with the kids I dont respond. I ignore her.

I saw my exww last night at one of my kids school activities. She was tearing up when my son ran to me when I pulled up. Seriously. BPD is strong. You need to get to where I am. I am indifferent to her. She has no impact on my life. She literally doesnt matter anymore. Only the kids and my life matter.


Brilliant post and advice. If you don't want her back, you don't need to be the lighthouse, you just need to focus on you and the kids.


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Originally Posted by gzabetas
She makes a valid point, but when I offered it last month she turned it down.
Now my dad has it.

I got my dad to agree to pick up the kid at her place on the cold days and drive him to school.
But she doesn't want to see my dad. She only wants the car.


Doesn't sound like she's in a position to negotiate. I would tell her she has two choices, A) allow your dad to drive him or B) figure it out herself. She wants the car? Tough, that's no longer an option because SHE decided she didn't want it and you made other arrangements as a result, and now that can't be undone. What is she going to do, rant and rave and be crazy? She's already doing that!

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Whenever I would reason with her in the past, she acted like she had it all planned.
Now that its collapsing - like we all knew it would - she is even crazier.


And you can't fix that. You could go out and buy her a new car and she'd find reasons to be mad about it. It's not good enough, it doesn't get good enough mileage, doesn't have the options she wants, etc. etc. Point being, you CAN'T appease her so don't try.

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Man, we should we very careful who we decide to have kids with.
I thought I was, but human beings are great at hiding the dark side. Until they don't.


So true, but some of these men and women described here (like your W) sound so vastly different than they were before that I'm not sure you could have predicted their future behavior.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Gzabetas ,
I am glad you are here my friend. I hope you are detached enough to realise that your son’s love for you will never fade . You will ALWAYS hold a special, mystical and respectful role in his life . I know it is hard , but try not to react to emotions and think of how a man would respond to the baiting from your ex . Always do the right thing for your son whether it feels like you want to do the opposite, be strong , do the right thing , you can do it

gzabetas #2886112 02/18/20 02:36 AM
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Its been a while since I posted.

Almost 10 months divorced, and we both have moved on. In different countries. She has the kid so I visited her a few weeks ago for the first time in a while, to see my child.

I saw a different person in my ex. Welcoming me in her home, appeasing, the old jokes we had, the chemistry was all there. But what did it mean?

I cant forget the things this person did to me. I was crucified and humiliated and left for dead. She probably prayed for me to be dead.

And now … laughs, sweetness. Wait, is that our photo on the wall? This is all strange.

I give her a compliment about her new bedroom, which looks cool. I told her "you made it", and was happy for her.
Her independence. And she smiled and the same time held back a tear, as she palmed her eye as if in pain.
Too quick to miss, but I saw it. And I will always remember it. It hurt me more than her probably, but damn if I showed it to her. I pretended as if I didn't see it. Then it means it never happened.

After all this is what she wanted.
And I could sense for the first time, that she is regretting all of this.
its all sinking in now, the miracle we had, the bubble she left us for, and the fatality of our future.
But I cant forget that any future relationship with this person, would have me "sleeping with one eye open", since
she unleashed such weapons of mass destruction on me in the end. The fact that I lived is a miracle.

But there is our child looking at both of us, asking me to stick around longer. Showing me photos of all three of us.

I have no idea where I am even at in this phase.
Its a different kind of pain.
Wonder if anyone else has crossed this barrier.....


B.D in December 2018
Physical Affairs discovered in April 2019
Divorced May 2019
H (me) 49
W (her) 29
gzabetas #2886115 02/18/20 03:18 AM
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Hello gzabetas-

I just read through all the posts in this thread, I am very sorry that you went through all that....esp now you’re so far away from you son. I commend you for staying cordial with your ex-wife for you son’s sake.

You don’t have to forget what she did to you, but have you forgiven her? To forgive her is to release yourself from all the anger and pain that come with the memory.....which I still sense from your words.

She might be regretting her past behavior but it does not mean she wants to reconcile. Don’t burden yourself with the thought. It sounds like you are questioning whether you’d want to R. But I think you need to heal first....

Does your pain come from being so far away from your son?
- if this is not some easy to change because of work, let it go for now. Make the most out of your time together.

Does your pain come from seeing your ex and thinking she’s having regrets?
- it doesn’t matter what she’s thinking. If she’s doing well, you should be happy that your son is being taken care of by someone who’s mind is in a good place.

Does your pain come from the past destruction?
- you need to heal from that first.

You can both still be great parents to your child. Your son is still young, naturally he enjoys having both mommy and daddy together with him. Enjoy the moments when you guys are spending pleasant time together. Married or not, it will sure be great memories not because of your ex-wife but because your son was part of it.




BD: Sep 2019
D in progress
gzabetas #2886149 02/18/20 03:15 PM
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Originally Posted by gzabetas
And now … laughs, sweetness. Wait, is that our photo on the wall? This is all strange.


Yeah that's what happens when you remove all pressure. Doesn't mean she wants to recon (yet), but she's finally starting to remember that things weren't all bad. Eventually she'll remember that things were pretty good.

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And I could sense for the first time, that she is regretting all of this.
its all sinking in now, the miracle we had, the bubble she left us for, and the fatality of our future.


Maybe. Maybe not. Best not to try and read her mind.

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I have no idea where I am even at in this phase.
Its a different kind of pain.
Wonder if anyone else has crossed this barrier.....


Yes eventually we all move on or reconcile, or move on and then reconcile. You'll get there, but it does take time. Have patience with yourself! You've come a very long way, and you've already been through the worst of it. You'll be fine.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
AnotherStander #2886150 02/18/20 03:19 PM
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Originally Posted by gzabetas
And now … laughs, sweetness. Wait, is that our photo on the wall? This is all strange.


Yeah that's what happens when you remove all pressure. Doesn't mean she wants to recon (yet), but she's finally starting to remember that things weren't all bad. Eventually she'll remember that things were pretty good.


Truth!

gzabetas, listen to AS. Now is not the time to pursue or pressure. Now is the time to even back off more. When she wants to recon you won't have to guess, she will make it abundantly clear. But the part I love that AS says is "Eventually she'll remember that things were pretty good."

This is exactly what happened in my sitch. On BD my W wasn't happy a day of our almost 19 years together. Obviously this wasn't true but that is what she had convinced herself of. As I GAL, 180'd, detached, that memory started to change to remembering that things weren't all bad. And eventually she got to the point where she remembered that things were pretty good. Now if you asked her, she'd say that other than some rough spots, we have had a pretty good marriage of almost 21 years. Funny how that works, eh?


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
gzabetas #2886255 02/19/20 02:22 AM
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wooba, wow thanks for reading my entire thread!
All those things you mentioned are in my mind.
The change was going back and seeing her anguish and suffering. I was away, and positive things were happening in my life finally, but returning and seeing their pain saddens you.
Its like seeing a drug addict throw their life away I guess. Seeing her big heart and her hopeful - almost teary eyes, that notion that things will turn up for her, blind to the fact that she is constantly engineering her downfall.
As the script goes in this forum, she has burned bridges with friends and relatives and is truly alone.
She didnt look healthy, complexion-wise, and I could see she was happy with the joy I brought in their lives for a few days. She actually said "If you had found a job here earlier, maybe we wouldnt have divorced".
Well tutored here I dont fall for her comments, and simply acknowledge.


AS and Steve thanks for your advice. You have always been there, this entire journey.

And I do know this takes time.
Time for me.


B.D in December 2018
Physical Affairs discovered in April 2019
Divorced May 2019
H (me) 49
W (her) 29
gzabetas #2886380 02/19/20 05:19 PM
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Then keep DBing my friend G!

Give time the time.

Keep strong there!


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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