Also, we haven't had sex in months. It is weird typing that but I think I need feedback on this. I've been kinda apathetic towards sex in this R because "it's boring". And by boring I mean that we don't do anything too crazy and I have never been with only one partner this long. Excuses... I know. So if I don't write it out it is easier to ignore. This needs work but the baby is almost here too.
Lots of writings and approaches to this problem. I am of the "never stop dating your wife" school of thought. Weekly date nights are mandatory. Buying her flowers for no reason just like you did when you were dating. Etc. Sometimes we men have a tendency to get lazy and stop trying (and I don't mean trying for sex, I mean trying to woo our wives). I think this is why our lack of romantic ability is often a topic of "girl" talk. When the ladies get together. I would imagine (I have no scientific proof of this) that the women who have no complaints about their husbands for a lack of romance are the women in marriages where sex still occurs relatively frequently. And that the women that complain about how unromantic their husbands are tend to be in the SSMs. Just a thought. It is easy to get caught up in day-to-day life and forget to fan the flames of romance.
The problem with being in a SSM at your ages is that eventually one of you will want it. And if the other one has gone into defensive mode about it every time it is brought up the likelihood that the one that wants it will just go seek it elsewhere becomes much higher. So I agree with wayfarer, if it starts weighing on you, whether you really want it or not, talking about it openly, honestly, with out blame or judgement is going to be better than trying to bury it.
Last edited by SteveLW; 06/25/2105:42 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
OverTheRainbow, I would be concerned about a SSM during the 3rd trimester. That's when my marriage began to fall apart. After the baby her body's going to need to recover, and then one or both of you will be sleep-deprived. Not finding time/energy may only get worse, with resentment on top of everything else. My XW wouldn't talk about the issue. I bought conservative lingerie which she refused to wear.
I used to think "exciting" required new acts. I now realize subtle changes can create unique sensations. If you feel she's too conservative for even, say ice and warm oil, consider new positions, angles, beds. Yes, one of my favorite experiences involved a hotel bed with overly-bouncy springs! It's more the spirit of adventure--not, "Is this a good bed?" but "What positions and angles is this bed best for?" It's about a fun journey and being playful together, not just a destination, which of course you can reach alone.
I don't know how long your relationship is. The only relationship where I accepted boring sex was with my XW. In other relationships, it's been exciting 5yrs in. My XGF reports it was exciting 20yrs in. Boring sex is now a dealbreaker for me. It can be kept exciting as long as both parties want it to be exciting.
My SSM wasn't about a lack of romance but about my wife's growing depression. As Steve says, the lack of sex is often an indicator of something else that may be going wrong. Consider that.
Hello all, just wanted to offer a little support to everyone over the holidays. I know it's hard for those in the thick of things.
Also, I wanted to ask R2C: what is your saying about arguing with women? Never argue with a woman, right? What else did you say about that? It's been on my mind.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
So an argument happens for two reasons and both are bad for relationships. Number one you lose control of your emotions and you typically say things you later regret. Two you are trying to prove your point. The saying goes “do you want to be right or do you want to be married”? The thing you want to do is to deescalate it with validation and humor.
the baby is pretty good. I haven't been peed on in over 2 months now, but he would do it again given the right opportunity.
LH, thank you. I agree with your statements. There was something R2C would say and it gave insight to why women argue and how their mindset was different. Women argue for a different reason than men do and I found it interesting.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I don't know what R2C said exactly but I know it's often framed as women don't fight to be right they fight to be heard.
I think that was the core of his message. That women are arguing for different reasons and men want to be right and then aren't hearing the woman - in other words, men aren't understanding the message that is being conveyed.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
