In the next 24-36 hours we are expecting up to a foot of snow and a quarter inch of frozen rain. No problem. I live in New England.
Here is my confilict. I am in AA and I'm also a LBS.
W goes into work for 11 PM and works overnight.
Before mlc I would either plull W's car into garage and/ or make sure it was clean of snow and ice and make sure it was warmed up for her before she left.
Several months ago she told me that she doesn't want my help in any possible way. She said she can do all of her own stuff.
As an active member of AA I need to keep my side of the street clean and do good things for other people without worrying about myself.
My AA sponsor is a great guy but does not understand AA. His suggestion is to either do what I have always done and take care of her car or ask her if she wants me too. That is great advice if there was no mlc.
So should I take car of the car or let her get a glimpse of life without me. I'm pretty sure she won't realize how long it takes to chip ice off of a car windshield.
I think I’d ask her if she’d like you to do it. I know she said she didn’t want your help months ago, but that wasn’t in the midst of a storm, was it? By asking, she has a chance to say no if she’s still adamant (in which case you just say a cheery “ok” and go back to whatever you were doing) or she’ll say yes and you’ll have a chance to remind her how thoughtful you can be.
I wouldn’t do it without asking though. She might interpret that as you not taking her seriously.
Ask her to see what she would like. You can’t read minds and she might have changed her’s since a month ago. Of course she might not have either.
“Wow, there is a lot of ice out there. I’m cleaning off my car. Would you like me to clean your’s as well.”
This allows her to have her say. And you follow it. If she says yes - don’t expect a thank you.
If she says no, that’s fine. Happily go about your day.
You have given her the choice. I’ve watched my four stubborn teenagers all grow through things like this. They need to struggle and rebel, and part of that is turning down an offer and finding out how much work is involved. It is also realizing that they can do it, and that struggling and stubbornness does achieve results. It’s a step towards independence. It’s growth.
It will be interesting to see where she is and what she will do with you offer.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
So interesting about your AA mentor. It reminds me of the conflict I always feel between following Christ and following the advice I get here. So I guess it all goes back to why you are or aren't doing anything -- e.g., to please God (and/or follow the AA Way) or to change W. The latter is impossible, and the former is the most important thing. But sometimes I realize now, the most loving thing we can do for our spouse is stop doing for them.
In my case as I stopped doing things, I don't know if it affected H or just increased his vehement assertion that I never knew how to be a wife. I always loved doing his laundry and I did it off and on even after he filed because it was the only nice thing I could ever do for him. I didn't do it to change him. I did it to try to practice humility and God's love. But sometimes I couldn't bear to do it and I didn't. And I never expected any response from him about it. Sometimes he even would criticize the way I washed or folded or say I shrank something! What a jerk! But that's his journey and his relationship with God, I have my own.
I don't know if that helps. But I would say in your effort to figure this out, you shouldn't leave the car outside and then have MORE work than usual chipping at the ice you could have avoided by moving it inside as you usually do! So I would offer to move the car inside before the storm, and if she says no, she can chip all that ice herself. Maybe she can even chip away at the ice in her heart? : ) This might help you envision it, it's where my screen name comes from -- Final chapter of "The Snow Queen."
Last edited by job; 12/01/1907:46 PM. Reason: Removed link to another site not related to DB
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Since your wife has stated that she wants to do things for herself, I would ask her if she would like for you to take care of her car for her since it is snowing. This gives her the option to say yes or no. If she says no, let it go because it will be on her to take care of the cleaning, etc.
I'm sure if you had a friend in a similar situation that you would ask them before taking care of the car. Just because she's acting out, doesn't mean that you don't care about her. It's her behavior that you don't like. Be a friend if you can and just ask her. Keep those expectations at zero!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Wow Gerda. That was amazing. Thanks. So, I asked her and she said she would take care of her car herself. Problem solved. I will still get out there to shovel before she leaves. I like to shovel before snow get driven over. I didn't go to gym in anticipation of shoveling.
On a different note we got our Christmas tree yesterday. While talking to w about car I asked if she wanted to help decorate. After some back and forth she said she wanted to help. Sensed a lot of self pity though.
