If the items are not of an urgent nature, let things be for a while. Right now, he knows that the belongings he has of yours are the only "string" he has to the past and to keep in touch with you. The more you ask for something, the more likely he will to dangle them to keep you on the hook. The less you appear anxious to have your belongings returned to you, the better.
As for the ow, she may still be in the picture, it is something that we do not know. They tend to hide a lot of their lives from us.
I would leave him be. Do not ask for your things again. BTW, threats of lawyers, etc., will not work. They will just dig their heels in future. They don't care about the law one bit. Leave him in God's hands for now. He is the only one that can heal his inner pain.
Keep the focus on you and your life. Please, please do not ask for your things right now. When he sees that you have lost interest in his little game, that is when the door will open and you will get your things.
Please be patient and keep the focus on you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I appreciate your insights. They are both very insightful and full of wisdom. They gave me clarity and peace to move forward.
DNJ: You said H came back and left (went back in). Did not see it that way. THANK YOU FOR THAT INSIGHT. I didn't see his emails and texts as coming back. I saw it as continuing his tyrant/onslaught.
I now understand why his family and friends recently had a pow-wow centered around family day. It was to pull him back into their vortex as they saw he was retreating from them. I have seen this tactic when we were together. Was confused when I recently saw it. I am not there. In the past, it was to pull him away and illustrate that his job is with them first, foremost, and always. Clarity.
I let him be. I am at some real or avoidant peace, at present. This journey has completely uprooted-dismantled me, my reality, and my life in ALL aspects. I am picking myself back up piece by piece, tear by tear, one step and at time, one breath at a time. Rebuilding me and growing my self-worth and self-esteem.
I was drowning. I couldn't breathe, or find movement forward in life. It was a hard fight.
His present perspective appears to be affecting other aspects of his life. That is his journey to face or not. He is in God's hands now. I pray for him.
No one knows but you both and probably others on this chat that this is simply one step and breath at a time and one day at a time in complete, complete darkness. Some days I see light. Some days I am engulfed in darkness. Some days I see hope and some days it is hopelessness.
I am moving forward blindly through this darkness fumbling and looking for something solid, by myself as my world disappeared in this journey as well, I saw that I really didn't have friends, "ride or die." I only had rides. I had people patiently waiting for my fall as to them I had everything. To them.
They showed themselves. I couldn't get a hug from not one of my "ride or dies" nor stay in one of their empty rooms one weekend to cry knowing someone was outside. Not to talk to them, to fall and know that someone was outside as I fell. I fell by myself. Very Scary. The hardest thing. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger. I thank them. I see. I am stronger.
I have come to terms with them and I am creating a new world. A new and healthy landscape. With eyes wide open. I forge on.
QUESTION: Not sure why he was and is confused I left after he filed for and pursued the divorce. I am not sure as that perspective confuses me. Why is he confused and hurt that I left?
If you can answer the above question, I would appreciate it.
My hope is that he and God have a conversation and he reaches deep down past and through his family and friends to find his peace and then give me back my stuff and we can build a bridge with all the threats he placed between us to control the narrative.
Right now, I am fighting for me. And that is a fight in all aspects of my crumbled world. I am building back stronger, in God's name.
Keep the focus on you and what you need to survive. As for his family, he will eventually get tired of them trying to pull him back into their vortex. However, it will take some time for that to happen.
I completely understand how you feel, i.e., no one truly there to give you a room, to listen and just give you a hug and some space to grieve. Most people don't know what to say or how to help you when you are in this situation. That is why many of them distance themselves for a while. Just keep looking in that mirror and tell yourself each and every day that you are a strong person and you will survive this. When the dust settles, you will know who your true friends are and they will be the ones that you want to continue to associate with. As for the others, write them off and move on.
Let me tell you just a wee bit about my divorce. My xh left and became a very angry man when I met with a lawyer at my xh's request to get the separation papers prepared. When the separation papers were ready for him to review and sign, he became a very angry man. He became spiteful and did everything he could to destroy me mentally, emotionally and financially. When he saw that I wasn't going to play that game of back and forth on little issues and I directed my lawyer to cease all work until he and his lawyer came to their senses, that is when he did the actual filing for divorce. It took 2 1/2 years for the divorce to go through and he was still an angry man after we were divorced. Over the years, he has calmed down and last year he posted to me that he realized that he ruined the marriage and should not have walked out. Well, too little, too late. I moved on with my life and I'm living it to the fullest.
As for your h's confusion and hurt...somewhere in the back of his mind, he really did not want a divorce. However, clarity will not come for a while. By the time he wakes up, you may have opted to just move on and not reconcile. That will be your decision, not his.
For now, continue moving forward. Give it all to God and allow him to work on him. You can't do a thing about your h at the moment. Lots of space and allow him to continue to hit the brick wall until he realizes that what he was looking for was right there in front of him all of the time. Home is where the heart is.
Hang in there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
...this is simply one step and breath at a time and one day at a time in complete, complete darkness. Some days I see light. Some days I am engulfed in darkness. Some days I see hope and some days it is hopelessness.
Yes, one day at a time. Sometimes even one hour at a time. (((Hugs)))
When all is dark, and seems lost, just breathe. You know brighter days are your trend.
Originally Posted by Samoy
QUESTION: Not sure why he was and is confused I left after he filed for and pursued the divorce. I am not sure as that perspective confuses me. Why is he confused and hurt that I left?
XH felt that a divorce would take away his pain and torment. It doesn't. In fact, getting that signed piece of paper, is another loss to grieve.
Any change has associated losses which one grieves. Even positive changes has loss. For example, my retirement, a most positive life change had losses with it. Loss of routine, loss of certainty, loss of income, and so on. Of course, new routine, freedom, and a different income stream were there. Still, a little time to let go the familiar and embrace the new.
XH's shiny new life did not fix his projected problems. If he is not looking to the actual cause, he will not find actual resolution. MLCers are so driven by their emotions that they believe them; even as those same feelings ping pong about. XH believed his life change would make it all better. It's just part of the misguided running behaviors.
One of the worst curses is to actually get what you wish for. Satisfaction and appreciation, comes from striving to achieve and being content with what you have, rather than effortlessly getting it.
Also, XH likely expected you to remain stationary. To sit there right on the shelf. To pine for him, and be his Plan B. You weren't. That threw yet another wrench into his narrative and predictions.
No matter what XH does, no matter where he runs to, there he is. And all his baggage and torment comes along. His divorce didn't lessen his pile, it added to it.
If you notice, your leaving (or staying) has nothing to do with XH's confusion and hurt. We LBS just aren't that powerful. No one is. No one can control someone else's emotions. Folks are responsible for how they feel. XH's hurts come from within himself.
Of course people and events can and do trigger and influence feelings. And feelings are fleeting. So, after a time, and with the removal of initiating event, continuing to feel a certain way indicates one is reenforcing it.
Originally Posted by Samoy
Right now, I am fighting for me. And that is a fight in all aspects of my crumbled world. I am building back stronger, in God's name.
Right on! Amen!
As you put yourself and your world back together, do look carefully at the pieces. Strengthen that which serves. Craft that which you aspire to. And discard or alter that which does not serve.
Crumbled, shattered, is a golden opportunity to heal and become. A golden opportunity most folks never find, and even fewer embrace.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
