For 14 months I have heard from the mouth of my H I don't love you, our marriage was a mistake, I'm walking away from this family, the ow needs me, I don't want any responsibility, I don't care what happens to the bills...and finally rented a very expensive apartment. H continued to contact me, calling me every day, stopping at the house..I could never understand why??? One day H was up and the next down..poor judgement..his behavior was so unpredicable. During the holidays I did not hear from him for 16 days..I didn't know if he was dead or alive...his family did not know where he was. I thought I was going to go crazy with worry. Saturday nite he called and asked me out for a hamburger (first time in 14 mo). He told me he did much thinking over the holidays, sat in his apt most of the time trying to get in touch with his feeling and emotions. H said he thought a lot about us..and would like to try and reconcile. There is so much work ahead of us..he feels so much guilt and shame and doesn't like himself very much. What I am trying to say to all of you out there...is we all have many things to be thankful for. I know I have changed so much through this board and DBing. I found I did not like what I had become, and became very lazy regarding my marriage. I was uncaring, mean and blamed H for much of my unhappiness. when the marriage fell apart it gave me time to really look at myself, and what I had become. Today, I have a close relationship with God, I am more compassionate, I try to get in touch with how other people feel. Not only my h but all of those I love and am close to. Every day I make sure I tell my boys (27 and 30) how much I love them and what they mean to me. I feel like I have received so many blessings..from this horrible time in my life. I know our marriage may not work out, but from the beginning I vowed I would not falter, and I would work hard, but most of all FAITH..I knew God hated the word D...and in His time would heal us. Oh, we have a long way to go..many mountains to climb..but when you love your S it's worth it. PLEASE all of you DO NOT GIVE UP..as hard as this is it's not on your time but on God's and His is perfect timing. I have learned so much from each and every one of you. And I will continue to learn from you. i'm not out of the woods yet, I will still need your support and caring...and hope you give it to me. To all of you, I saw my H come out of the tunnel for an instance, then crawl deep inside again. Oh the emotional roller coaster was at times unbearable....But they do come out...confused..and humbled. Be there for them...you don't have to do a lot of talking..that will come...actions speak louder than words...To all my wonderful friends here...keep up the DBing...and support..IT WORKS..
Kathie


JJ

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