After a long weekend away with my H, I feel so confused. We had a great time, just being together and enjoying each other. We left all of the R turmoil at home (with a tiny hiccup here and there).
Although the weekend was a success, tonight I am overwhelmed with the feeling that I’m doing everything wrong. I don’t know how to combine the DB principles with the need to work things out—I mean, I’m not just supposed to pretend that his affairs never happened, am I? I don’t know how to work it out without him feeling like I’m hanging it over his head, which pushes him away. He’s willing to answer my questions, as long as they’re asked in a calm, non-accusing way, but I really don’t know if I can trust his answers. Everything is so vague and muddy, and I feel like I’m in a tug of war between his positive actions of the past several weeks and the hell of his actions over the past three years..
I am so afraid that our relationship is just going to slip back into the same familiar patterns and he’ll drift away and betray me again.
How do I let go of this? Where do I draw the line? How do I take care of myself when I feel so lost and scared? How do we heal?
Quote: tonight I am overwhelmed with the feeling that I’m doing everything wrong
I still get those feelings. Just remember...don't allow those feelings to dictate your behavior.
Quote: I mean, I’m not just supposed to pretend that his affairs never happened, am I
I think that depends. Again, my opinion. It's going to be tough for a while and probably take longer than you think it should. If your husband is willing to be honest with you while at the same time committing 100% to your M and working things out, then over time it will be less of an issue and, yes, if in good faith he doesn't pursue contact with OP and does what is reasonable to reassure you, then you will need to get past it on your own as well. It's a real part of your marriage's history, but as long as it IS history, in the past, then you need your present and future to be about you two and your family, not that crap.
I can tell you that things in my sitch didn't get much better until I began to truly let that go. It still crops up from time to time, and I usually deal with it pretty well on my own.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
your trust has been shattered so it is understandable, for months I kept waiting for "the other shoe" to drop, for him to tell me he really didn't see us together anymore, etct etc. My H also had that fear, that we've both slipped into old patterns, it is a very fragile state, the first months together.
Your heart is learning to trust again, you've been hurt and that's why you feel like this isnt' going to work or why would you believe a word he says. Fear will ruin all if you let it, take a deep breath and understand that it took a lot for him to come to you and he's actually willing to talk about it (I only got infor about the A thought arguments)
The past is gone, close that door already, nothing good will come out of rehashing old hurts. It's like the step of faith that Indiany Jones gave on "the last crusade", he couldnt' see the bridge, but he knew it was there, he just lifted his foot and went forward.
Begin the day w/a positive state of mind, reclaim this day for you and your H, please get this book, it is excellent for learning how to heal when you dont' think you'll ever get over the hurt or begin to trust, it is called "Healing the hurt in your marriage", you need to fill your mind w/positive messages.
It doesn't feel like it now but trust me, it can get better, don't let fear ruin what could be a better M than before, I feel like I'm closer to my H than before, I wish the A would've never happened, but in honesty our M was just not doing well way before the A.
...but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
piecing after separation
**if in good faith he doesn't pursue contact with OP and does what is reasonable to reassure you**
He does not offer any reassurance regarding OP unless I specifically ask. Is it unreasonable or damaging for me to ask?
One of my biggest worries is that he talks as if it is completely fine for him to continue traveling for business, to the locations of the affairs. He took me along on this last trip, but there's no way I can do that every time with small children, not to mention the fact that I have no intention of being seen as his chaperone for the rest of our lives.
I know that this is a hurdle I'll have to face when the time comes, and worrying about it won't solve anything, but I do feel like I need to prepare myself with some sort of game plan.
This evening, at a community Halloween party, an older woman pulled me aside, and with deep concern in her voice, said that she'd heard that I was having difficulties. Tears welled in her eyes, and she asked what she could do for me. Of course, there is little that anyone can do, and when I said as much while expressing my thanks for her care, she said, "I've been where you are. It happened to me too. We were married for ten years, my oldest child was in the first grade." She squeezed my hand and said, "If I had it to do over again, I would have fought harder for my first love. I would have stayed and stuck it out. My husband now is good to me, but a part of my heart will always be with my first husband, the father of my children."
She couldn't know how much hope she gave me with her words. She will never know how going through this hell thirty years ago gave her the compassion I so desperately needed tonight.
That is what I call a God McNugget. I look for them every day when I feel I can't do this anymore. And He always gives me one. What a great nugget you received.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Hi Aud, I just found your thread. Do you have a prior one explaining the history of your sitch?
I was here in Infidelity land for almost a year, I have now moved to piecing but have the same concerns as you.
I think Twist hit the nail on the head that you(and I) have to let go of the fear. Learning to trust again is a big risk to take. If you are like me, I think if I try to forget about the A and move forward H will down the line betray me again.
Sorry for the hijack, just wanted to let you know that your feelings are understandable and you are not alone.
