I finished Divorce Remedy yesterday. It was full of great information, especially the part about MLC. We've been separated for 6 months now, in the same house, separate bedrooms, his choosing. I've tried everything...180's, LRT, even got him to go to Retrouvaille, but he didn't like it and wanted to leave early. 11years married, 2 kids, and he filed for divorce the same week he announced he wanted out.
We've ridden it out over 6 months (he refuses counseling, we went once before). I'm taking care of myself in a ton of great ways...spirituality, work, children. Now it's getting down to the wire...he wants to put the house up for sale in 2 weeks and the divorce will be final when it sells. We've got good agreements on the children and the money... I refuse to fight.
I'm still trying to divorce bust. My recent 180 is to not challenge him about the divorce at all. I loved the story in your book about Carol....it felt SO MUCH like our situation except that the divorce wasn't already started. Most of the same complaints.
Now today, ironically, I've found evidence there is another woman. I'm pretty sure it's new, the last month or so. He's been laying out his work folder on the counter a lot, as if he's hinting at me to go through it. I kept ignoring it. Finally today he left on an all day hike with his hiking group (supposedly) and it got the best of me, checked his drawer and his work bag...found a name and a phone number in a city 70 miles away. Because we're almost divorced he'll say this is OK.....I still feel hurt and enraged. I thought about calling the number and realized no good could be gained. I think I'm going to completely not mention it. It does make me wonder about the conference he's supposedly going to in that city later this week.
So that's more about me than the book really...I love all your encouragement. I wish so much I could get him to read it..he won't.
Do you have any thoughts for me? It's frustrating...I feel like I'm just getting it on DivorceBusting and here it is almost about to happen.
I have now read The Divorce Remedy twice since i bought it last thursday and continue to spot read and read the LR technique daily. The whole book gives me a great deal of hope that there IS HOPE for us. Thank you for the inspiration!!!!
I've read both DB and DR and found them both insightful andveery helpful.
Brief description of my situation: Married 10 months, separated 4. H and I are in different states, he's at school, i'm at my parents.
H has a history of depression but has not gotten help. He also has low self-esteem and blames himself for all our problems. He won't allow me to take any credit for the way things are, and he feels guilty for hurting me and "ruining" my life.
When we first separated, he was intent on divorce. After not talking to each other for a few months, we are opening communication again. He is now not sure divorce is the answer. However, he is still unsure and doesn't want to get back together for the wrong reasons. His bro & s.i.l. are having their first babies (twins). That has gotten him thinking about us and is afraid that wanting a family is a wrong reason to want to be together.
I heard the same lines most WA's use. He is convinced that he is a bad person and doesn't know why I see any good in him. He is afraid of us getting back together and him hurting me all over again. I'm assuming he is also afraid of not feeling love for me right now.
I love my H and want more than anything to save my marriage. I'm just afraid of doing the wrong thing right now and pushing him further away. I believe he would benefit from therapy. He has been on medication 1x for ~1 month. Stopped after separting since there wasn't any need anymore.
What should I do at this point? I feel like i'm at a critical point and don't want to blow anything. Any suggestions?
For in the end we will conserve only what we love. We will love only what we understand. We will understand only what we are taught. - B. Dioum
Beth2, Thanks so much for your kind feedback about the book. I'm glad you're finding it comforting.
In your long list of things you've tried, have you tried really getting angry at him? You sound like a soft-spoken, gentle person. I just wondered whether he has seen your rage yet? (Stil always looking for something really different!) Michele
Gossamer, Make sure you don't make any of the mistakes I outline in the chapter on depression.
Are you contacting him or is he contacting you? What does he say he wants to do at this point?
When someone blames him or herself completely, it creates a problem because then there's nothing YOU can do to make things better. It would be helpful if he could identify what about your relationship he found challenging. Then you would know what to change or work on. Maybe you already have an idea of what he'd say about that. Michele
Unfortunately, (pre-DB), I made many of those mistakes you mentioned. I am now trying not to pressure him or constantly talk about his depression.
As for contact, this past week alone we have talked 3x. 1x for returning my call and the other 2 his own initiation. Each time, we talk for awhile. We have talked about us only after he initiates it.
He is not sure what he wants to do about OR at this point. From listening to him, it mostly sounds like fear holding him back. Fear of not being able to handle being married, fear of hurting me again. He has a history of second guessing all his decisions and focuses on the negative.
I'll try and see if there is something about OR that is holding him back. I'm not sure what he'll say, but I have a feeling it will be that it is all him.
Thanks, Kathy
For in the end we will conserve only what we love. We will love only what we understand. We will understand only what we are taught. - B. Dioum
Thanks for your reply. At first I didn't think that was the answer, because my 180 from the marriage is actually to manage my rage. I would vascillate from, yes, very sweet and gentle to enraged (not violent) when I couldn't seem to get through to him.
I finally realized the last few days that I can be assertive with him also. It's funny, I have no trouble doing that anywhere else (especially work) but for some reason wouldn't let myself find the middle ground with him.
I'm committed to being assertive and expressing my hurt and anger appropriately. This is regardless of what happens about the divorce. Either way I have to stand up to him appropriately. I think I finally get it about being true to myself first.
Thanks for the actually very helpful feedback. Solution-focused helps again
