Hi Everyone: I have a new and totally unexpected update: To set the story, 8 yrs ago, there was a certain brand name purse that a lot of the girls I work with had, and I wanted one so badly. That Christmas, my then husband got me one, or so I thought. After I opened it, oohed and aahed, the kids all started laughing. Come to find out it was a cheap knock off version, he had picked up. Of course the kids all knew, and were laughing at how excited I had gotten. To make a long story short, my feelings were hurt deeply that he "tricked" me but I never said anything, I just played along. During our divorce four years ago, for some reason that incident came up and I told him how foolish I felt being the "butt" of the little joke. Yesterday, my now ex, comes over to the house and presents me with a gift--It was the name brand purse I always wanted, and he apologized for that incident years ago! I was totally shocked and speechless- Of course I gave him a big hug, and tears came to my eyes!! We are going out to lunch the Thur prior to Christmas. After he left, I started feeling mixed emotion and questioning gift--does this gift mean he is starting to get feelings for me again, or is the gift the way for him to relieve guilt? As for update with he and OW--no wedding date is set, he says because the time is not right. They still have issues!As I have stated before, the counselor they went to was unable to help them solve all the issues, so they quit going at the counselors request. My goal now is to let him make the next move. I sent him brief email message thanking him for the gift, and said Looking forward to lunch. I will let him make the next contact. I don't know how to get his interest from being a friend to a more romantic interest in me, but have decided to give him a hug or some type of touch, if the situation presents itself, each time I see him. Does anyone else have any suggestions--I definitely do not want to get in the pursuer mode and scare him off!
l have posted a message in support needed. lam in my 9mth of separation.l have gone dark numerous times and basically have run out of strategies.my h has an ow.she has just met the children.h knew it would greatly upset me. l did not ackowledge her.my question is this?is the ultimate going dark by moving interstate and leave him and his ow to themselves? our house is currently for sale.l feel there is no way he'll consider reconciliation.l want the message to him is that l am starting afresh in another state and it will show him that l am finally letting go.children visits will be difficult for him even though he only had supervised visits up until 2 days ago.he was still supervised by his parents because he lost his drivers license and his partying left him in state of no sleep still drunk or still stoned.he is now seeing a psychiatrist.his ow is supporting him finacially and buying his love and committment.he lost his job as well.l want the marriage to work and l feel so betrayed that he is doing the things l asked him to do while he was at home.l feel distance will allow him to really feel the loss of his family.l also want to be left to heal,somewhere where l wont be constantly bombarded with him and his ow.my last ditch effort,what do you think?
Hi Michelle - I'm still working on taking care of myself and doing the 180 and truthfully, when people ask me how I'm doing, I can honestly say I'm doing fine. I'm going back to school and my part time job is being very cooperative with my situation. I am very blessed with that. And when I see my H now and then, I do a good job at being happy and upbeat but it isn't difficult because I actually am happy cause for the first time in a long time I'm taking care of myself like you suggested and it feels good. However, when he called today to talk about what the courts said about New Years Eve and the kids, he talks about him having next New Years Eve with them which is the way the courts have ruled it. What hurts is that he can talk so easily about his future and me not in it. And when we do see each other, he too acts like all is fine and makes me think that we are better off separated and not meant to be together. I'm pretty sure he thinks that since I'm so happy and he is so happy, that we're better off this way. We can get along but not live together. How do I get past these feelings? Honestly, I'm doing fine but this one thing is too difficult to just forget about and hope these feelings will pass. Any help on this one??
Maxie, I'm glad you're feeling better about yourself. That's wonderful. About your question. In addition to focusing on yourself, what have you done recently to get your marriage on track? I know you've been doing LRT, but I'm just curious.
Klynch, The same question applies to you. In the very few contacts you've had, other than being upbeat, which is great, what have you said about your marriage? Michele
<p>Michelle, I've read DB once and then lent it to my mother-in-law (his step-mom - she offered to read it because she wants us to work through things and she believes he is in a MLC. I'm on my 4th reading of DR.<p>Here's my synopsis...<p>Husband of 5 years (we've been together for 9 years)...no kids...we live in an apartment and were planning to build a house this summer...<p>We have a unique relationship because his job takes him away for 2 months at a time. He's gone for 2 months, and then home for 1 months. Everything was very good but over the past year or so, it seemed tougher. I knew there were problems and tried to talk with him about it but never considered divorce...just figured we were going through a rough spot.<p>He blew up at me over the phone in early November and said we should just break up - this was out of the blue.<p>Over the next month and a half, we barely talked (he was gone during this time). He came home and hadn't changed his mind...I thought we were going to talk about working things out but he had apparently already made up his mind.<p>He left again and I didn't talk with him for a few more weeks. This was over the holidays and he didn't call or send a card. He has also blown off his entire family and friends - he has talked with his dad a few times, but that's it. He didn't even see family or friends over the holidays.<p>His family thinks he's going through something and can't understand him and really have been supportive of me and want us to work things out.<p>He came home again and acted the same way and then left again. Each time he has come home to talk, we've only talked for about an hour or so and he leaves again. No one, including me, believes there's anyone else.<p>He keeps saying we're 'over' but he hasn't done anything during this whole time to actually start the process...he hasn't filed papers, etc. The only thing he has done is stopped calling, and during one conversation, he picked up a few clothes and some bills he is responsible for paying...he hasn't been sending much money home during this whole time.<p>He's considering a job that would mean he'd be away even more than normal, and he's had a lot of anxiety about his current job for several months. He might be wanting to 'end' things so he can feel free to make his career choices without having to consider me.<p>I don't want to lose him because I think he's just going through a rough time and he is in a MLC about his career, etc. We've had problems, but definitely nothing that would be cause for a divorce.<p>I know that when you love someone, you love them even when it's hard...what's so honorable about loving someone when it's easy? Yes, it's very hard to love him right now and I might get hurt even more before everything is over, but I know I'm trying to be good to him even when he doesn't necessarily deserve it...and I'm hoping he'll eventually see that too and maybe even appreciate that I stood by him.<p>So as things are now, he's been gone for most of the past 2 1/2 months and we've had only about 3 conversations...all started by him about 'wanting out'. I didn't DB during the first conversation (wasn't expecting this), but I've been working on myself and staying distant since then. When I've seen him I've been calm and haven't argued or even mentioned it. No matter what he's said, I've tried to remain calm and quiet.<p>I'm not sure what to do...I'd appreciate any feedback you can offer. In a long-distance relationship like this, I'm just not sure how to most effectively DB.
Hello Michelle:<p>Sorry, I'm probably giving you more information than you need...<p>Just wanted to mention that during the first face-to-face conversation, I believed we were going to talk about how to fix things. Instead, I was surprised to find out that he didn't to work on it. I did all the DB no-no's - but I was calm and didn't cry. I just said that I couldn't believe it, that I KNEW we could make things work, etc.<p>He left and I didn't hear from him again for 2-3 weeks. He came over again and said he was going to take a course and would be gone for a week and then he'd contact me when he was coming back to town so we could work on our finances. I was calmer and even smiled once and I think that really surprised him.<p>Since then he's called a couple of times but he may have called more because I haven't been answering the phone much. We've left short, business-related messages for each other on voice mail but that's it. He sounds very impersonal when he speaks to me, and I make myself sound upbeat.
Hello Michelle:<p>I haven't said much because he's been so unwilling to really talk about IT. He just stops over - the last time for less than a half hour - and tells me when he'll be back again. The next time he's coming back is just so we can go through our bills and figure out who gets what.<p>He isn't talking about the relationship and I'm afraid to bring it up. So he just talks about how we should go about it - finding an attorney, etc. He said he would just come and get a few things and I could have everything else. I said that I would prefer that he moves more of this things because I will probably need to find another apartment and I don't want to have to worry about having to figure out what to do with his things too. That might not have been smart, but I was trying to convey that I was accepting what he was telling me and not arguing about it.<p>He's not being responsible about anything and he's distanced himself from everyone we know. He apologized for ignoring our finances and said that he knew he's had his 'head up his a**'. He said he was sorry and I had every right to be angry. I just said 'No, I'm not angry'.<p>I should also mention that up until a few months ago, we were planning to build a house this year and he claimed he was planning to find another job. During his 'blow up' he said that he didn't have any intention on doing that and was only telling me what I wanted to hear. He's told everyone for a couple of years that he was planning to get another job.<p>By the way, thank you SO much for what you do! Your books have given me hope. I'm doing a lot of introspection and have determined what I did wrong and could do to make things better if we reconcile. I hope I get that chance. I love him very much (just can't tell him that now).
Last edited by Cadet; 07/09/1512:43 PM. Reason: 3 posts combined
need some advice bad. After my affair my wife decided she wanted to work things out. However after 7 months she decided she wanted me to leave or she would get a lawyer, so I left. We have been seperated for almost 3 months now and it has been hell. At first she would talk to me on the phone, and I would stop over. Each time I callled and stopped over I cried to her and beggered her to let me make it up to her. But she didnt care. Now she wont answer my calls and the last time I stopped over she called the cops. It has been 8 days since I last called her, so I called her tonight and she hasnt answered. Do you think her mind is set in stone that things are over? She told me she was going to a lawyer but i havent heard anything yet. I am really scared she has found someone else. She is always going out with her "new" friends who are mostly guys. She even talks on the phone to them. It kills me to think about her with another man, when she is so cold to me. I have read dbing and started DR, how can I show her I am changing if she wont answer the phone. I so dicouraged, I just want to love her with all my heart and make her happy. Any input would be helpfull. Thank you so much.
Sschust, the only choice I think you have right now is to stop doing what you're doing. First of all, you're obviously going down a 'cheeseless tunnel'. Second of all, if what you're doing isn't working, stop it immediately.
You are pressuring your wife by calling and begging and crying - that behavior is probably what is making her run the other way. The only way she might choose to come back is if she feels that it is her decision made in her head.
Stop calling, stop crying, and stop begging. The only thing you can control right now is your behavior, so start focusing on making yourself the best you can be. Work on yourself. Focus on what you should be doing for yourself and forget about what she is doing.
I know that is incredibly hard...I struggle with that daily, but it DOES get a little easier. It also will take a little bit of anxiety off of you once you begin to take charge of yourself. Right now you feel helpless and powerless to change the situation. You CAN change yourself and the sooner you start the sooner you will begin to feel more powerful.
As Michelle says, this MIGHT not assure that you will get your wife back, but what you're doing now will almost assure that you won't. So instead of focusing on getting your WIFE back, concentrate on getting your LIFE back.
Michelle, please feel free to correct anything I've said that might be bad advice.
I should be starting a new job very soon that pays quite well. My W and daughters are living with her parents and she is not very comfortable imposing on them. How can I provide money to her so she can get a place without it appearing to be pursuing?
Klynch, you wrote: I think he feels that if he didn't have me as his wife, he would no longer have to consider me when he makes a career decision. If I was just his friend, he could have a relationship with me that wouldn't involve that consideration.
This sounds familiar to me, as my husband brought this same topic up several years ago. It seems that sometimes a man who is responsible for others (wife, family) will often get these thoughts and not know what to do about them. He wants to be free to either keep or change a career path (part of Midlife stuff), but then he has to consider how this will affect the family...and it's just too much to handle. He may consider ditching his family, not because he hates them, but because he can't cope with all the complexities involved. Does this make any sense?
I have a message above that was answered with some great insight. How long should I wait before I do call her? I am making positive changes within my self, but shouldn't I be trying to show her the changes I have made. How long should I wait before I call her? Thanks for your help. I greatly appreciate it.