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#81223 12/02/01 04:40 AM
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Michele Offline OP
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Maxie,
For now, I would just focus on the fact that your conversations have been friendlier lately and that he is calling you. Just keep doing whatever prompted that and see what happens. There are no guarantees, but his being friendly to you is a good thing. Just hang in there.
Michele


The Divorce Buster
#81224 12/02/01 12:05 PM
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Michele,
have read DR and started DB. Posted on DB NOT WORKING FOR ME & X-RATED VIDEOS FOUND. Would appreciate any advice or input you may have. Would like to also set up telephone consult. My H took off his rings last week after big confrontation - he won't speak to me or anything (this has happened before but not the rings) it is like we are separted but still living in same house.
Thanks
Judie

#81225 12/02/01 02:09 PM
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Thanks for taking time to reply Michelle. Me being the optimist that I am I should look at this as a positive step, I just don't want to scare him away again. Also, him being the pessimist that he is, for him to be showing positive signs about anything is rare. I'll keep up what I've been doing like you said and see what happens. There's a saying my son and I have acquired through all this. "Take care of today as best you can and yesterday and tomorrow will take care of themselves." Sometimes I forget to do that. Thanks again for your help and support. You're great!!!

#81226 12/02/01 04:13 PM
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Just an update on my situation and a question at the end:
With Nov 1 child support check, ex sent it inside a Halloween card, and I also recieved a Thanksgiving card on the intranet. This is the first cards I have received from ex in 5 years!! Baby steps!!
Last week we did have minor relationship talk, about needs not met during marriage, etc.The two he stated that bothered him the most during latter years of marriage, were my mouth { I could be very grouchy}, and lack of cuddling! I have really tamed my mouth and we get along well in that respect, in fact he has often said he loves my personality and always has. However the cuddling surprized me--I know our sex life went down the drain when the marriage was also going down the drain, but he said it wasn't the lack of sex, it was the lack of cuddling, that sent him elsewhere!
Here is my dilemma--how do I now meet this important need in his life? He is still with OW,and supposedly engaged, but I don't think he is as happy as he puts on. I say that because I don't think he would ask me out to lunch every few weeks or have sent me 2 cards in the past several weeks if he was totally devoted totheir relationship. I don't know what to do here.Does anyone, including Michelle, have any ideas how to put this into an obtainable goal? He has invited me out to lunch again the Thursday before Christmas!!

#81227 12/04/01 01:01 AM
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Michele Offline OP
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DB713,
When you meet, do you ever touch? Do you ever grab his hand or touch his shoulder? In other words,have you shown interest in him physically since all this happened?
Michele


The Divorce Buster
#81228 12/04/01 02:54 AM
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Michelle,
When you asked db713 if they ever touch or she ever grabs his hand I wondered if I shouldn't try that with my H. He is the one that avoids touching me at all costs and treats me like I have the plague. However, tonight on the phone we can talk like good friends. What's with this "touching is off limits" thing? Is he afraid it might spark a small flame still there? (I could only pray!) I'm telling you he makes it so obvious when he just walks by me. And if I were to try the touching thing like you asked db713, it could really set me back. Maybe its one of those "you won't know till you try things." What do you think?
Thanks for your thoughts!!

#81229 12/04/01 06:07 AM
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Michelle,

I am new to all of this. Have read both your books (at least 10 times each!!) and found them very helpful. Been together 10 years, married 5, blended family no kids living with us. He left 3 months ago and told me he wanted his quiet and independence. My problem is that we never fought and he has always been a closed book. He has never shown emotion, whether it is excitement or sadness. He is impossible to read. Even his mom says the same. The only tine we would have R talks is when I brought them up, but at the end he told me that he resented me being aggressive!! whatever that meant.

We are going to joint counselling. He said he would go on his own, but only went once and has never been back. I am going on my own and trying to do what you suggest. We are seeing each other once a week at the suggestion of our counsellor - she says to transition him back home. I am not sure if he is doing this because he thinks he should or because he wants to because he never talks about anything.

He knows our friends and his family love me and cannot believe that this has happened. They all thought we were the happiest couple in the world (and so did I), and I didn't have my head in the sand. I knew he was unhappy but thought it was about his job and his lack of a relationship with his kids. Although when he left he told me it was about my job and my kids (as they are in our life and that hurts him because his aren't).

My question is I am not sure what to do. I still feel as if I am doing all the initating, but he seems to be going along with it (but that bothers me). We have made plans to spend Christmas together at his families home. That means a 6 hour drive both ways and 4 days together at their home.

All your suggestions for LRT don't seem to fit with us, and I am not sure what to try. I want him to initiate things, but I also know that he has NEVER done it before. Our counsellor has told me that if I distance he will distance even more because he will feel abandoned? I am at a loss as to how to get him to wake and up realize what he is losing. Any suggestions?


#81230 12/04/01 01:43 PM
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Hi Michelle and everyone:
In response to Michelle's question about whether we "touch" when I am around ex. The last couple of times we had lunch together, when we were parting, I said"give me a hug goodby" and we did share a hug, a casual one, not overly romantic, but it did feel comfortable and not awkward, at least in my opinion. After our last outing, he did send an email, saying he had a nice time. And since the hate wall has been down, we have had an occasional banter with sexualovertones,,just joking around, nothing at all serious.
He does know I am interested in restoring our relationship, but has made no comment either postive or negative.
I do know he and OW were in counseling for a period of time, but the couselor could no longer help them with certain issues, so at the counselors suggestion, they stopped attending.
I sometimes wonder in the wayward spouses mind--they feel quilty for cheating and leaving spouse, but don't want to go through the whole emotional turmoil thing again by leaving OP. Does what I'm saying make any sense?

#81231 12/07/01 03:50 AM
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Hi Michelle-
I've started reading DR for the second time and got to Step #2-Know what you want. I found myself adding to my first list thinking I still wasn't clear enough. Could you let me know if I still need to break it down further and be more specific?

1. I want us to communicate better. For him to listen to me and look at me in the face and block out every thing else (TV). This would make me feel very special. And he would ask me if I wanted his opinion before he gives it. It'd be nice if he started the talks sometimes but that's not necessary. Just that when I start them he doesn't give a heavy sigh meaning, "Here we go again". His attitude would be more than happy to give me the time of day to listen to what I have to say.

2. I want to share the finances like we are doing now. This procedure we are forced into by the courts has been very good as far as I'm concerned. (See, he was told to move out by November 1). Before I started working in May, I stayed home to raise the kids for 11 years and took care of all the finances. He never had the slightest idea how frustrating a job that was till he started living on his own. Now he sees how tough it was trying to figure out what to pay when. He was the type to spend any extra money we had & I always believed we should have a savings account. If we could handle finances together, now that he is aware of what it entails, I would like that.

3. I want the intimacy to be there on a daily basis. And it doesn't always have to lead to sex every night. I want it to be more sincere - not just a swat on the butt as he walks by or grabbing my chest when he wanted. Honest affection, a touch on the shoulder, a wink would even thrill me. Sitting next to each other on the couch sharing popcorn and a movie would be great.

Do you think I need to be more specific yet or can I go on to Step 4. I have to skip Step 3 (even though I did read it) cause he is sure a divorce is what he wants.

Thanks again for taking time out of your busy day to give me some input. It is greatly appreciated!!


#81232 12/08/01 09:09 PM
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I've been divorce busting one year. H had said last year at this time that he needed six months to get his finances in order and move out. He agreed to go to Retrouvaille then backed out. We've been married 19 years.<p>He's still around. I've been able to get him to stop screaming at me most of the time and we have been able to go out a few times to coffee.<p>Weekends he goes out to meditate. Friday all night and Saturday (Saturday it's from 7 to 1 am).<p>My goal is for us to be friends and in love again.<p>However, I don't know how to get there anymore.<p>We have three children 15, 12 and 8. H is in counseling -- but didn't tell me about it. He blames me for all his failures.<p>Our conversations are highly conflicted. He blows up after a few minutes. He's said he feels unappreciated. Later he said I'm not sincere when I say I appreciate him.<p>I'm not sure whether to distance or appreciate connect or go dark. Frankly after a year I am exhausted, too. I haven't had a real partner in years and am getting run down. <p>Give me some ideas .. he blames his mother for all his problems and has now transferred the blame to me. I want to change my reaction to him. Money keeps us together -- or lack of it.<p>I've worked full time except for when I took a buyout and stayed out of the workforce for 18 months. He was out of work three years. <p>I want to build trust. Not sure how except to do what I said I would do --ignore H when he lets me down.<p>I want to take care of myself.
go to health club, get blood tests and physical therapy (carpal tunnel)
Appreciation
I want to fix things around the house without asking H.
If he does fix something, I will thank him.<p>Since H goes out every week-end night without me, I have started to build a separate life. Won't this pull us apart?<p>Also BIG issue is housework.<p>I am on the messy side and house is messy. H has his own office though, so he can go there. H always complains about house, and doesn't like the way I do things...highly critical.<p>My sister has the same problem -- but cleans furiously and does little else -- I don't want to end up like her.<p>I now have a housekeeper and it's helping, though H complains about that too. He won't help organize stuff, yet complains about me.



Forgot to say I have Divorce Remedy and have been reading it.<p>I'm just so confused about what to do next. Things have improved. But not enough.<p>Now the separate lives is a thorn in my side.

Last edited by Cadet; 07/09/15 12:38 PM. Reason: 2 posts combined
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