Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 15 of 16 1 2 13 14 15 16
#81129 11/03/01 04:16 PM
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 167
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 167
Update on progress since 10/2 post:
Son who lives overseas emailed ex and myself about he and his wife are now getting dovorced and daughter in law would be moving to our town as she has no family. Ex and I met for dinner {OW OOT again} to discuss situation and to agree upon a plan to be able to help her if needed. We also talked about other subjects, and I found out through the conversation that OW did actually go back with him to class reunion-It came out accidentally in conversation. I didn't say anything, but it just about broke my heart., especially when he had told me previously she wasn't going. Since that incident, he came over and fixed something on my car on his way home from work, accompanied by the guy he carpools with, who lives a few doors from him. I also ran in to him at a local store and he flirted with me a bit and actually followed me to the checkout and walked out with me. Things were going well. I didn't realize how much his telling me about OW and reunion upset me, till he called again this week, while OW was OOT agin. It just hit me wrong, and although I was upset, I didn't yell, I just told him I was getting tired of all of this etc, and I wanted a husband who loved me, wanted to be with me, etc, and talking to me only when OW isn't around really hurts me, etc, and he doesn't know how difficult it is to try and remain friends under the circumstances. I wasn't rude, but got my point across. After I hung up, I realized I had fallen into the old trap, and sent him an email apologizing, stating I had had a bad day, and his call came when I was at a low point. He emailed back that it wasn't necessary to apologize but thanked me. The next day, the child support check from him arrived in the mail inside a Halloween card! This is the first card I have received from him in 5 years!!! It had to have been mailed prior to our phone discussion!! I, immediately sent him an email thanking him for the card and stating what a nice surprize it was, and again apologized for my tone the night before. I have not heard from him since and it has been two days.
I think I have caused a set back, but my goal is to let him be the one to make the next contact. That seems to be the only thing to do at this point. One thing I learned is that it is easy to slip into old patterns and you have to be on guard!

#81130 11/14/01 07:07 AM
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 219
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 219
Can't sleep. Can't get the book, at the moment, but thought I'd get a taste of it here and I have. Can tell you Michele, that I am quite touched by your dedication here and appreciate your work. A lot of people are changing their lives here and saving their families. Hope we all find inside us what it takes to make the difference. It really can change things not just for us but for the next generation.
ALTL

#81131 11/16/01 05:20 AM
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 3,315
Michele Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 1999
Posts: 3,315
Thanks so much, ALTL, you're very kind. Yes, that's what we've all got to do, change the world, one family at a time. We're working at it, aren't we?

Michele


The Divorce Buster
#81132 11/15/01 06:43 PM
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 31
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 31
Michele
I have not read the books.I'm 4000 mile away from home and would take 5 weeks to get a copy.
Three weeks ago wife said her feelings have changed and she does not feel the love for me any more. But she wants to wait intill Jan,Feb to do any thing. Said she needs to think things out.But since she told me this news she has been every cold to me and family.She is always bringing up that her feelings chnged, well what about the people ho love and care for her they dont have any feelings. I keep hoping that since she wants to think about it that she will see I love her.We have only talked small talk by e-mail, she will not talk about why she is feeling this way. How can I talk to her and try to help if she just shuts up. Should I just step back and give some space,but then I feel if I dont try to talk she will keep the feeling and leave or file for D.Dont ask why but I have feeling their is OM, she has started doing things she never done before.Been with her for 19 years,our D said she told the kids that she still loves me but the feeling have changed. I dont know what to do, but It is driving me crazy.

#81133 11/21/01 07:50 PM
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 166
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 166
Michele,

I have posted in the Newcomers(In need of immediate help) section but am not getting the responses I had hoped for. I have read both DB and DR and am still a little confused on what to do. I'm not sure you are still reading this forum, but hopefully you are.

I got the classic "I love you, you're my best friend, but I haven't felt loved, so I want a divorce" bomb. I will admit that intimacy has been a problem but only because I was pushed away quite a few times and because of a lack of communication, we were waiting for each other to make the next move. Well I never thought the next move was the Dreaded D. But that is where it seems we are headed. I got my papers served to me this past Sunday. Even God rested on Sunday!!! I have been trying to keep a PMA while using the LRT. We are still in the same house, which is good but I am still dealing w/ her alien most of the time.

I've concentrating on myself lately and have done alot of soul searching. I have been doing alot of weightlifting (which I think is driving my W up the wall because I only did it sparingly in the past) and trying to better myself w/ things that I know that need improving, such as being neater around the house. I have also become alot closer w/ our dog than in the past. I guess by doing these things I was hoping to show my w that I could change.

Unfortunately, I am not getting any feedback from my W. The only time that we talk is in the AM. At times she is very receptive to our talks(normally about the dog who has been sick lately) and other times she is not receptive at all. But most times I have to initiate the conversation. I normally try to give her her space in the PM. She has been staying out later than usual on the weekends and she doesn't tell me where she is going and I never question her. Every now and then she will do something for me that is unexpected such as folding my clothes for me, or getting something for me at the store. So I am sure that these are good signs. But other times she won't even look at me or she will make disgusted noises at me when crossing each other in the hallway.

I feel that time is against me. I will have my lawyer drag this D out for as long as he can but I don't know how much time it will take. MY major goal right now is to get back to being friends and from there we can get back to being lovers but that is a long time away I feel. But I am so confused. Do I continue to lift weights knowing that it really bothers her???? Do I just totally stay away from her and give her all the space that she needs????? Should I give her a Dr. Dobson "Freedom Letter"???? Please I need help immediately. Thanks in advance.....Helpless

P.S. Sorry about my Handler name I didn't know about the rules of a positive name but I do have a positive outlook on myself now.


#81134 11/22/01 03:44 AM
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 591
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Nov 2001
Posts: 591
Hello Helpless, I too posted in the Newcomers (new to this board) and have not gotton the responses I thought I would - I don't have much advice for you as I am going thru pretty much the same except no papers have been filed yet. They have been talked about by my H from time to time as he keeps threatening me about separation, etc. Just try to hang in there and keep doing as you are doing - sometimes it takes a while for them to notice any changes, and sometimes they notice but the don't let us know they notice - kind of a controlling thing, I think. I have a good day and then bam! either I say or do something to set us back or he says or does something and I react to it in a way that sets us back..so just keep your faith and try to have a good turkey day! Judie

#81135 12/01/01 06:23 PM
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 31
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 31
My husbands MLC started a year ago. In August I filed for divorce knowing that is not what I really wanted. He let me know he didn't want to work on the marriage. I figured that was enough to make myself realize it was time to see an attorney. He always told me not to waste my money on a legal separation and just file for divorce cause that's where it would end up anyway. I just wanted him out of the house so he had time to himself to think about what he really wanted and I believed this would do it. He refused to move out when I asked him to so I needed the court system to do it. He wasn't happy when he was forced to leave.
He has always been a pessimistic person, me the optomist. Part of our problem now since the negative memories are the ones staying with him right now. Anyway, I am fearful that his being so negative about everything is the thing that will keep him from letting his guard down and want to try again.
I wish I would have found Divorce Remedy sooner because I just finished it and really saw our situation very similar to Carol & Dean's. My husband is however abusing alcohol but doesn't see his drinking as a problem. And I haven't seen anyone mention this, but this thing about me not being able to touch him. Even if its just to reach across the counter in front of him he jumps away. It's driving me nuts. How can they just shut you out and be so cold like that? I told him he treats me like I have the plague and since then he doesn't make it as obvious, but I still notice it.
He moved out Nov. 1 and the kids jump back and forth every couple of days. (Our county is totally 50/50 when it comes to divorce.) I have done the LRT by not calling him unless its for the kids, have gone back to work part time after raising the kids for 11 years, and am even enrolled in our area Technical College to go back to school. All of this has been very positive for me and I'm very happy with myself.
One of the things that has bothered me about him getting the kids so much is the fact that I have always been the one to be there for them and without going into details, literally raised them while he made the money. Well the kids (14 and 11) feel they can't talk to him and are afraid of him cause of his temper. My son has started having problems at school and this was all kept from H cause of my sons fear of him. It finally came to a point where I had to let H know how the kids felt. He was very receptive to what I had to say (of course he first had to ask if I had put these things in their minds) and admitted he didn't know how to communicate with them. We then had the kids join us and let them know they needed to help their dad learn how to communicate. He also promised to work on patience with them. Big step for him since this is what has bothered me for years about our marriage. Things are more relaxed between us since that talk. And I notice a change in the kids as well and am very thankful.
My question is now that I see his changes in him towards the kids, I really want to let him know how much this means to me cause its been the basis of the anger he has accused me of having that has, in his words, "brought us here". Being the pessimist that he is, would it be a bad move on my part to let him know that I appreciate the positive changes he has made towards his relationship with the kids. I'm just afraid, not knowing his state of mind lately, that he may take it as "I told you so" and not take it as a compliment. But I want him to know how much it means to me that their relationship is improving cause of him. That could be taken as blaming him. And he may think that I assume he is doing this for me which he wouldn't be happy with either.
Being the pessimist that he is, it makes it so difficult to believe that he can put aside his negative feelings and forget about the bad times in our marriage and believe that this new me is here to stay and that he could possibly even want to get to know this new me.
Michelle, your book has helped me a great deal so far and I know I will be going back to it time and time again for support and advice. You have really been a God-send for so many of us! I can't help to wonder if I read it too late since we are in the divorce stage. I just couldn't continue to let my daughter (14) believe that a husband treats his wife like a doormat and its okay. I felt I had no choice but to ask for a divorce. I still don't want the divorce but I couldn't continue the way it was. Help me believe its not too late! Thank you!!

#81136 01/13/02 02:18 AM
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 741
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 741
Dear Michele

l will try to briefly explain my sitch.Sep for 10 months. young childn.For 5 months l pursued h.Great job l did too.Begging...to guilt trips...to manipulation with chiln...even justified the man.because he used drugs and partied hard.

During 10 months...4 months we went to couns.Did not work...l made no changes neither did he.He moved 5 times in 10 months.4 months ago he started a r/ship with a girl.Now they live together.L have consistently Db since beg of Dec.

During 10 months there was very little contact from him.It was all me.

H started the property sett and child access through the court.He flaunted the ow at the court.

Since db l applied me being happy,upbeat,agreeable,never ringing,etc...

My dilemma is the house is up for sale and l must move.l want to live in another state at the beach.He disagrees with my decision.It is a 180 for me to do this and he acts like 'as if'.l am a co dependant and typical pursuer.It breaks my heart every day to live this sitch.Relocating to a place where l want to live gives me focus and a pma.He does not see it this way.

l want him to come back...while the ow is still there l wont happen.Do you think the move will still give me the opprtunity to DB...the distance l know will be a problem but l dont want to live here anymore.

l dont know what else l can do.


#81137 01/15/02 12:08 AM
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 148
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 148
db713,
I too am divorced (12 months) and I'm also working towards reconciliation w/ my ex wife. We still love each other but alot has happened. Long story, if you and your ex husband still have a underlying bond of love, this can bring you back. Please pick up "Getting Back Together" by Dr. Goetz.This will help so much. I also consult w/ her and she is wondeful.


Doug Robinson
#81138 03/10/02 10:37 PM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 10,805
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 10,805
^


sg
Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Page 15 of 16 1 2 13 14 15 16

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard