DB, You wrote "My judgment gets clouded and I wanted your professional support that I was doing the best thing at this time. I don't trust myself totally yet.." My professional judgment is that you should trust YOURSELF. You're the health care professional. Act as if you are the patient and minister to yourself! You're on the right track. Michele
I finally got the guts to approach my H about our situation. I told him that we had been separated for a year and it was time for us to talk and discuss the situation.
He told me that we would talk this week. That was last Thursday and as of today, he still hasn't said when we could talk. He's acting quite normal. Haven't seen any changes in his behavior or communications with me.
I plan to open up the conversation. I have a pretty good idea of what I need to address. What should I not let him get away with?
I've read the chapter regarding the legal system and I agree with you completely. If a D is unavoidable than mediation is the best answer. However, what do you do when your S will not consider this option?
Let me briefly explain my situation. - My W has been unhappy for some time now. I've tried to make her happy, maybe too hard. She lost respect for me. - W meets someone at work. Gets him involved with the K's. Then drops the bomb. - W goes to att and files for uncontested D. - I try to get her to consider mediation. She refuses. - W starts having her att send letters through my att. "Stop scaring the K's" and such. I'm not scaring the K's. D is scaring the K's. My att says it's a tactic toward a custody battle. Nasty, ugly, dirty business.
I now there's some small chance that my W feelings toward this OM may fade some day. The problem is it may not happen for years. I can offer my W a D through reckless abandonment in my state. I doubt this will upset her because she already has her mind made up. I don't want to loose my family but I can't bury my head I the sand either. Would putting up a real legal fight be a 180? Up to this point I've been walking on eggshells. How do you DB around this ugly mess?
Michele, Couple weeks since last posting here. Saw wife on monday, mainly to spend time with SD. She acted somewhat distant. Topic came up about when I asked her to move out. She makes is sound like she didnt want to move but didnt want the R to work either. I just said I made a lot of mistakes and wish I had done somethings differently and left it at that. A day or so later I sent an email thanking her for letting me spend time with her daughter and a few small compliments, ie her place looked nice. However 2 days after she read it she hasn't responded, which is unlike her. So I think after reading Ch 5, I might have to use LRT. I have stopped saying the L word, but do compliments have to be cut out as well. I know she thrives on these and are part of her love language (did I just answer my own question?). Or is just being more unavailible good enough? We still have joint bank accounts which she still has access too, but doest use much, yet! Do I need to close these and let her start working w/o a net as it were? Is this also part of the LRT technique, becoming distant in many areas that where once available?
In follow-up to my post of 10/2, my H and I have since talked.
I've discovered he is more messed up that I thought. He said he had not talked about our R because he is so messed up in his mind that he doesn't know what he wants. He knows he doesn't want a D but he doesn't know if he can come home or just wants to be alone. He finally came to the conclusion that he needs professional help to assist him sort things out in his head. He says that this past year has been horrible for him. All he tries to do is stay busy so he doesn't have to think. He says that he still loves me but that he can't set aside the marital issues which brought us to the separation. He's afraid that nothing would change if he came home. He was in tears and very upset throughout the conversation.
I listened carefully and told him that I was very pleased that he was finally considering therapy. I told him that I sought help early on and that I feel better about myself and the future. He commented that I was obviously smarter than him to have done that early on.
He told me that he was going to go to a therapist that had been recommended. That he wasn't very happy about having to do this but knew it was necessary.
I stressed the need to pick a good therapist that would help him and not add to his confusion. He said that he had.
I feel like this is a major breakthrough although I don't know what the outcome will be. I just want us to be happy whether it's together or on our own.
Thid is continued update on situation. Last post, I had decided to distance myself from situation for a awhile, and see what happens. It has been two weeks since we have spoken. He did email last week asking if I had anything for him to take back to either of our children living there.Normally, I would probably answere question, ad then write something chatty, but this time, I only replied with a "no". He did go back to his high school reunion, but it appears OW did not accompany him! I received an email from him yesterday, chatty about the reunion, plus giving me an update on all the things he did with two of our adult children who live there. He said he would tell me more at "lunch", although no specific invitation was extended. He wrothe more in this email and chatted more than he usually does. I have been reading about the distance/pursuer relationship, and it seems we may be one of the couples that have experienced this, and continue to do so. I can't believe that Michelles's article addresses this in another section. My goal " keep him talking! What are my steps? 1. Not answer the email right away.Wait 24 hrs. Usually, I answer them immediately. 2. Make all responses polite, but brief. 3. Do not ask any questions, especially about any lunch plans. How will I know if I am successful in working towards goal? 1. He will send another email that includes small talk and not just business 2. He will ask for lunch date. Michelle-it is so easy to become discouraged, after so long a time, but I think I am getting back on track again.
DB713 - I just wanted to chime in that: it's perfectly okay to compete for a relationship. That's what you are doing, and that's what everyone does, whether they know it or not - we are all competing for what (or who) we want. What matters is, what *works* and what is *ethical*. Ultimately, choices that include both these qualities are best.
Second, I am not married, but in a fairly serious, monogamous (at his request) 1-year relationship. I've read DB, & plan to get 7 steps. I think they're both relevant to a good relationship of any kind. (I also read & apply The Rules book series, the Mars/ Venus series, and Technique of the Love Affair - all of these books seem to apply similar techniques that I find described on this site.)
So here's my question Michele: How can I find a really great SBT therapist in my area (Los Angeles)? I've called all around, web-searched, and am currently seeing a therapist who claims to understand DB & SBT, but her interviewing questions aren't in line with what I've read about (both here, & in articles by the folks at the Brief Family Therapy center in Milwaukee.
Otherwise, I'd be glad to read 7S & post here while continuing the search for a good SB therapist here in town.
My relationship isn't terrible, but I'd like us both to meet each others' needs more fully & both *feel* that those needs are met too (& maybe make it permanent!)
We are both from divorced homes - but I recently emailed info about SBT to my boyfriend's almost-divorced 40-something cousins (who I'm good friends with, and luckily, live sort of near Milwaukee!) So, there my be some optimistic dialog about SBT bouncing around in this extended family soon!
Thanks tons Michele, for getting the optimistic message out there & look forward to reading more here!
I'm not sure exactly where to start. My wife moved out a month ago and she filed for a divorce two days later. I went straight to the Last Resort Technique.
I am trying to be loving and not be overenthusiastic. I am trying to be vague. But I usually tell her after the event was over how much fun my daughter and I were having. I don’t say “I Love You.” I don’t try to hug or kiss her. I try to leave after an event. Sometimes I talk the STBX and daughter into staying a little longer. I don’t talk about the future. Especially since she filed for divorce and we are going through the motions. I don’t talk about our marriage. I kind of slipped once in a while on small topics. I try to have a PMA I have only tried to invite her once or twice to events I know she wants to attend. Also, I am trying not to inquire about her events. I usually say, “Have a good time” I am reconnecting with old friends and getting out of the house.
I am not sure exactly how to proceed on the LRT. Or is this the only technique I should be using? She says she left me because I am controlling. I could never get a clear definition of what is controlling. I have posted several incidents on the board and they do not appear controlling to the DB public. But as someone pointed out their opinion does not matter; it’s the wife’s opinion that matters.
The LRT is difficult because we have a young child. Sometimes, our daughter is at mom's and sometimes at dads. We allow each other a nightly phone call to the parent that does not have her.
Here are some of the events that have happened in the last few weeks. 1) We already had a Halloween costume for our daughter. I asked are we going to trick or treat together this year? She says yes. The STBX asks if she can show up the night before to show me the correct way to put on the costume for our daughter’s school party the next morning. On Halloween night she shows up and we have a great time. She tells me she had a good time.
2) Monsters, Inc. came out this weekend. She called me three times to ask if we all could go. I was unsure on how to proceed because on page 130 it says, "Accept some invitations to spend time together, but not all." So I was a little hesitant in responding with a Yes. She tells me "I would like to go see Monsters with both of you. I am available Sunday after 1pm. Just give me a call when you have a schedule." We did go on Sunday. She showed up a little early and purchased movie tickets for the family. I purchased the food and drinks. After the event we went to dinner. We mention to each other that we had a good time the next day. She tells me I looked handsome on Sunday.
3) Some subjects she appears to be angry or annoyed. For example, I called last night to talk to our daughter. My daughter was a little cranky and my STBX said she would call back in a few minutes. She didn't. I called back 2 hours later and she said, "What do you want?" in a mean tone. I guess my daughter was still cranky.
4) She tells me once in a while she still loves me. She tries to hug me once in a while or touch my hand or shoulder.
How do you do the Last Resort Technique when you have a child that both of you are trying to take care? I am trying to do everything on page 130. It appears if I let her control the shots she and act as if I don’t care then is more responsive to me. When I try to be vague she becomes angry. But on the other hand, she does not want to give me any information about her life and that's o.k. with me.
How do you LRT when you are proceeding through a divorce and you need to communicate about property and other things?
Lastly is the Last Resort Technique the only thing I should be doing now?
[ November 05, 2001: Message edited by: Doodle's Daddy ]