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just a quick re-cap of my sit that may help with getting ideas from others. The more you know the more you may have to offfer.

me the w-33
h-soon to be 37
s-7
dd-5
m almost 9 years dated for 9 prior so tgthr for 18 yikes!

our dating years were shaky. a few break ups here and there. H went through a bout with drinking causing one breakup the rest were due to his working too much and not being available to me physically or emotionally.

Eventually we get married...there didn't seem to be much of a honey moon period. we acted like an old married couple instead of young newlyweds.

son is born and things seem good though h still works long hours...sets up office at home to be there earlier but ends up working all night.

we build new home and suddenly h is getting home earlier.

we have dd during preg things seem off. when dd was 3months old I find out h is having EA. h moves out for a week but comes over everynight to help put kids to bed and talk to me so eventually comes home.

a few months pass and h decides he can't be my h anymore. loves me but isn't in love with me...had continued to see ea ow.
h decides he's never coming home..wants D etc.

I get a life (as much as one can with two kids under 3) and start living as if h is never coming home and start being ok with it.

8 months pass and suddenly h is confused (about this time ea ow is asking her h for a D and admits to being in love with my h) and wants to come home.

I let h come home but he's unwilling to go to c. actually at first h only spends time with me on the nights that he was coming to see the kids anyway. things weren't going well and I was fed up so called a lawyer myself...h gets upset and asks that I don't go to the apointment that he'll go to c with me.

we go to c..about 3 sessions that were not productive at all..h just didn't want to address anything..like we were just supposed to go there pay the guy and tell him everythings wonderful.

well 4 years have passed and now h is on ati-anxiety medication, added bourbon nips to his regular drinking, and has taken to purchasing pay per view porn.

When I attmepted to talk with him about his current behaviors his defenses are

medications
"going to doctor soon to get off of them, not a problem"

Alchohol
"is helping him to be more social, talkative etc not a problem"

Porn
"a phase, something different, not a problem"


UGH!

LL

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Quote:

Eventually we get married...there didn't seem to be much of a honey moon period. we acted like an old married couple instead of young newlyweds.



Funny you should mention this. When my bf and I first got together four years ago-- and he was getting drunk every night back then-- he also pushed us to start acting like an old married couple right away. There was no "honeymoon" period such as I had had in every previous relationship.

Geez... there were so many red flags that I ignored. I'd say I should have had my head examined, but in fact, I WAS in therapy at the time. I didn't really level with my therapist, because I was afraid she'd try to talk me into dumping him. Sick, sick puppy.

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LL,

I really don't think this porn thing is new (remember the football game?). I really don't think you think it is new either.

The two real points here are:

(1) You have to let go of your belief that your H is sexless. While that is a comforting belief for a spouse in a SSM, it is pretty clearly a false belief in your case. Your H has his own sex life to which you are not privvy, one which includes porn and some sort of sexual activity that has him messing up his shorts in the middle of the day. Clearly some aspect of his private sex life has changed as you are now finding him in your bed.

(2) Sex without real emotional intimacy feels worse than no sex at all. That seems to be what you are having pounded into your head. You aren't crazy -- if he isn't there, he isn't there. Do you feel like he is in some way punishing you by being so emotionally withholding during sex? I hate to say it, but could this be because he is punishing you for not being the sexual outlet he was used to (whatever it was)? Or, is he punishing himself because of guilt?

Anyway, your H is not sexless and there doesn't seem to be any real emotional intimacy between the two of you. Painful, but true, and something I expect you've known in your heart for a long time.

So, what are you going to do to make your life better?

Best,
Oldtimer


Best,
Oldtimer
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Hi Oldtimer,

Thanks for always finding me and adding your greatly appreciated thoughts.

Quote:

I really don't think this porn thing is new (remember the football game?). I really don't think you think it is new either.




The football game issue was on the computer...something that hasn't happend since and the blame for that was eventually taken by his buddie who I expect as much from. I never bothered before to look into the purchases on the tv but now notice there's no stopping him and all it takes is for me to run out to the store or to a PTO meeting. I thought I could deter him by first talking to him about it, second making it more difficult by him having to call and then making it even more difficult by placing a code on pay per views thus leading him to have to actually speak to a person since he doesn't know the code. Well I went to a PTO meeting last night and low and behold "just pumpin" was purchased last night for a $10.99 seems pretty ridiculous to me that someone would spend that money for a one shot deal...wouldn't it be more cost effective to go to the video store and rent something you could at least watch a few times to get your moneys worth. I mean really...I've never even purchased a pay per view movie for the lower prices..always thought it was smarter to either wait for it to get on the cable or satelite channels we pay for or rent it at the video store.

Quote:

You have to let go of your belief that your H is sexless.
I never fully believed he was sexless...I just accepted that our relationship was.
Your H has his own sex life to which you are not privvy, one which includes porn and some sort of sexual activity that has him messing up his shorts in the middle of the day. Clearly some aspect of his private sex life has changed as you are now finding him in your bed.

and he can't seem to understand why this is not comforting for me?





Quote:

Do you feel like he is in some way punishing you by being so emotionally withholding during sex?




I don't think he realizes what he's doing at all.

Quote:

I hate to say it, but could this be because he is punishing you for not being the sexual outlet he was used to (whatever it was)? Or, is he punishing himself because of guilt?





I don't think his intentions are to punish me...I think he's just more messed up than he thinks he is. and apparently he's more messed up than I think he is. He doesn't seem to feel any guilt at all for his porn watching. When I tried to address the issue with him one evening (thrown in with the increase in drinking etc) he claimed it "not a problem" "something different" who knows maybe he was always a cheating whore and now has stopped screwing around so watches porn and suddenly wants me.


Quote:

Anyway, your H is not sexless and there doesn't seem to be any real emotional intimacy between the two of you. Painful, but true, and something I expect you've known in your heart for a long time.




I teeter between knowing what you say to be true and thinking maybe I'm just a typical wife who sees things through muddy glasses.

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So, what are you going to do to make your life better?




All I can.

LL

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LL,

Just wanted to jump in here and make a few comments.

Quote:

something that hasn't happend since and the blame for that was eventually taken by his buddie who I expect as much from




Does your H hang on to friends that are detrimental to your marriage?

Quote:

there's no stopping him and all it takes is for me to run out to the store or to a PTO meeti




Sounds like there is more than mere interest going on here.

Quote:

I thought I could deter him by first talking to him about it, second making it more difficult by him having to call and then making it even more difficult by placing a code on pay per views thus leading him to have to actually speak to a person since he doesn't know the code. Well I went to a PTO meeting last night and low and behold "just pumpin" was purchased last night




If he is determined to view porn, all attempts to stop him are useless, and in fact your attempts to stop him may be feeding his obsession. Your energy is best spent finding out how you can help yourself in this sitch.

Quote:

$10.99 seems pretty ridiculous to me that someone would spend that money for a one shot deal...wouldn't it be more cost effective to go to the video store and rent something you could at least watch a few times to get your moneys worth.




Logistics just don't enter into it. The rituals associated with "illegal" activity are as important as the activity itself.

LL, have you thought about looking into porn addiction?



I don't mind the sun sometime The images it shows I can taste you on my lips And smell you in my clothes Cinnamon and Sugar And softly spoken lies You never know just how you look Through someone elses eyes BHS-"Pepper"
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Here is an idea,
Go get a porn video and ask him to watch it with you.
Tell him you know he watches it and if that what turns him on then fine, you just want him.

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Lostlove,

Maybe time for a paradigm shift. Quit trying to change/control him and set some hard boundaries for yourself, then see what happens.

Quote:

I thought I could deter him by first talking to him about it, second making it more difficult by him having to call and then making it even more difficult by placing a code on pay per views thus leading him to have to actually speak to a person since he doesn't know the code.




Instead, set your own boundary here. What will you tolerate, what will you not? What will YOU do if he violates your boundary?

Do you require honesty or porn abstinence or porn sharing? What is it that YOU need for yourself here? Figure it out. I can certainly understand you not wanting to have sex with H as he is trampling all over some boundary that you have. But, I don't think that boundary is well-articulated in your own mind, let alone well-communicated to H.

So, standard advice -- quit being a victim, set your own boundary and RESPECT your own boundary. If it is violated, take the necessary steps to protect yourself from victimization. You aren't a child, you are an adult who has this wonderful ability to avoid being a victim in almost all situations.

Quote:

...maybe I'm just a typical wife who sees things through muddy glasses.




Um, NO. Good M's are NOT like your M, but are filled with loving and caring thoughts, actions, and words, with a sincere desire to share in each other's lives, with a wanting to *know* and *see* each other as a wonderful person and partner.

I guess perhaps you are situationally depressed to a degree that it is coloring your thoughts about everything. If so, a trial of antidepressants could be helpful. But, you've never really struck me as depressed. So, I'm inclined to think that when you feel you aren't getting any emotional intimacy it is because you aren't.

Your H's behavior isn't healthy for him. It reeks of an out of control coping mechanism for someone who is in deep pain. You are both very unhappy. You have both tried in ways that aren't working. It is time for change, one way or another.

Best,
Oldtimer


Best,
Oldtimer
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