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A Message from Michele
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My Glass is Almost Empty, BI_43 part 2 #783852
08/15/06 08:17 PM
08/15/06 08:17 PM
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 712
believing_isaiah43 Offline OP
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believing_isaiah43  Offline OP
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MY FIRST THREAD: Speeding Cars
Quote:


2 Corinthians 8:10 (Msg):
So here's what I think: The best thing you can do right now is to finish what you started last year and not let those good intentions grow stale. Your heart's been in the right place all along. You've got what it takes to finish it up, so go to it. Once the commitment is clear, you do what you can, not what you can't. The heart regulates the hands.

Ya'll. God is flat-out amazing when he gets your attention.




And then my thread locked. Dang, just when I was needing you most. THEN I composed a brand new thread post and lost it by accidentally closing the browser. ACK! I have to go to work in a few minutes so I'll try to post more there (sometimes I'm not filtered out from the internet) but wanted to start a thread. The new thread title is from the lyrics in a Sarah McLachlan song that OW burned for H on a CD of mixed Sarah M songs. I used to LOVE her music and now it's just a hot knife in my soul most times she appears on my iPod shuffle. And of course she appeared yesterday, with this very song. It's beautiful and sad, made sadder in context and how much I miss my H, even with him in the house.

Song for a Winter's Night
The lamp is burning low upon my table top
the snow is softly falling
The air is still within the silence of my room
I hear your voice softly calling

If I could only have you near
to breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
on this winter's night with you

The smoke is rising in the shadows overhead
my glass is almost empty
I read again between the lines upon the page
the words of love you sent me

If I could know within my heart that you were lonely too
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
upon this winter's night with you

The fire is dying now, my lamp is growing dim
the shades of night are lifting
The morning light steals across my windowpane
where webs of snow are drifting

If I could only have you near
to breathe a sigh or two
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
and to be once again with with you

To be once again with you





Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19

If it seems slow in coming, wait.
It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3

Part 4
Re: My Glass is Almost Empty, BI_43 part 2 [Re: believing_isaiah43] #783853
08/16/06 04:51 PM
08/16/06 04:51 PM
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 712
believing_isaiah43 Offline OP
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believing_isaiah43  Offline OP
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 712
My gosh, what a roller coaster of emotions I ride (like many of us here, I realize).

I remember thinking with relief when I found my H, and we got marrried, I was so abundantly thankful that I wouldn't have to have those horrible broken-hearted feelings anymore (as with previous Rs) b/c we had found each other and committed for life and there was finally someone who loved me enough (and vice-versa) to feel safe and loved forever. I got all teary typing that thought, b/c I had forgotten about it until now. It was such a happy thought at the time, and such an 'emotional exhale', if you KWIM.

I now feel like I've been 'holding my breath' emotionally, by comparison. I so want to exhale, ya'll.

Since the "talk" of oh, 4-ish days ago, H has stopped leaving me happy face notes to find in the morning, with a heart drawn at the end. He has stopped initiating kisses hello/goodbye by about 50%. When I work night shifts, he usually will say "call me later" and he has quit and said "see you in the morning" last night. I thought, well, okay. in the interest of space I guess I won't call him tonight from work. Well, by gum, at midnight the phone on the unit rings and it's H. I must have sounded like a startled stuttering toddler for the first minute, b/c I was so surprised. I am constantly amazed by stuff I know from reading, but when it actually applies in real life to my circumstances, I'm dumbfounded (back off, he'll move toward you. however tiny)

I told him this morning that It was nice of him to call me at work. He said previously that I had not been acknowledging/giving him credit for what he DID do, only what he DIDN'T. And not about what he was doing for the kids, around the house, or that kind of stuff (which is what I'd been doing previously, b/c it is the easiest to see/quantify I guess), but he really wanted to be acknowleged for what he was doing/attempting for the RELATIONSHIP. and I dropped the ball there, only seeing the R glass half-empty and b*tching about what wasn't there.

Ya'll. If I can't be a good example, let me be your horrible warning.

It feels so cold and prickly here. Very civil and 'nice' with undercurrents of hopelessness (so similar to the feelings when the A was ongoing. It is NOT, but our dynamic feels the same like this elephant in the room we cannot see each other through). Thank God for the ability to vent and be scared here with ya'll, instead of taking my crazy a$$ On Tour here locally.

Can't sleep. Work night shift again tonight (3rd and final, thank God) which, as you know, disconnects me from everyone I love. Sleep all day, gone all night. Sux.

H and I drove the kids to school together, didn't say much on the way home, altho all was 'pleasant' and he cheerfully tells me 'good night' while I get ready for sleep. and no kiss. again. He told me in the R talk that he feels like he's made all the changes in how he relates to me since January, and that I have not. That I'm waiting for H to do all the work and when it feels "safe", I'll jump in. That I've been the one wanting to leave since he ended the A and he's had to talk me down to stay. That I'm smothering him, and trying to control the outcome/changes, which makes him back off and retreat. Which makes me move more toward him b/c, hey, where's he going? i need to go see what he's doing, where his head is, check his browser history/email/iTunes/whatever Bad cycle. All true. And now he's worn out.

I will tell you that I've not checked sh!t on him since the youtube stuff and this last talk. What good is it doing? I'm certainly not reassured, forGodssake. And it is going to have to be God who steps in here not Freaky Wife, party of one.

So my conundrum (Sp?) is this: the elusive middle ground.
For example: If I kiss him goodnight instead of waiting for him to do it, am I
'in his space' too much, or am I not waiting for him to do something and then reacting, and doing it myself? Do you see my sticky wicket?

After we both spoke of wanting a new M, not the old one, nothing like we had, and giving it 2 months before re-evaluating.... I feel impotent as far as change. We are just tiptoeing around each other and barely seeing each other (secondary to work right now, but I doubt it would be much different if I hadn't worked this week).

Do I sound like a complete basket case, or am I making sense on some planet? Anyone?







Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19

If it seems slow in coming, wait.
It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3

Part 4
Re: My Glass is Almost Empty, BI_43 part 2 [Re: believing_isaiah43] #783854
08/16/06 05:18 PM
08/16/06 05:18 PM
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 804
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MuddleThrough Offline
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Quote:

He told me in the R talk that he feels like he's made all the changes in how he relates to me since January, and that I have not. That I'm waiting for H to do all the work and when it feels "safe", I'll jump in. That I've been the one wanting to leave since he ended the A and he's had to talk me down to stay. That I'm smothering him, and trying to control the outcome/changes, which makes him back off and retreat. Which makes me move more toward him b/c, hey, where's he going? i need to go see what he's doing, where his head is, check his browser history/email/iTunes/whatever Bad cycle. All true. And now he's worn out.



How much communication between you regarding what you both want changed? Have you come up with an action plan? Something that will allow you to mark your progress? I think this is really the only way to go - even for yourself. You need to know you are trying, and to do so you need to be able to measure your results. You can't change what you don't know, and you can't grow what you don't measure. It doesn't sound very romantic, but I think this is something that Michele emphasizes in her books.

Quote:

I will tell you that I've not checked sh!t on him since the youtube stuff and this last talk. What good is it doing? I'm certainly not reassured, forGodssake. And it is going to have to be God who steps in here not Freaky Wife, party of one.



You know, I have really been looking at the concept of redirection through this sitch. I think it's always better to redirect your energy and focus to a beneficial place rather than to try and stop focusing on something that's detrimental. If you need to be reassured that something bad is not happening, because you are allowing yourself to conjure up images of these things, then you are not focusing on positive change that you can bring about. Come up with a way that you can be comfortable directing yourself internally. I think that if you always look for an obstacle that's external to you to blame for not doing what you agreed to it's only an excuse. Don't look for excuses, look for opportunities.

Quote:

So my conundrum (Sp?) is this: the elusive middle ground.
For example: If I kiss him goodnight instead of waiting for him to do it, am I
'in his space' too much, or am I not waiting for him to do something and then reacting, and doing it myself? Do you see my sticky wicket?



Yes, I can really relate to this. No easy answer, especially because the right thing is relative to his moods and feelings. My perspective on this is: do what you want to do. If you want to give him a kiss, do it. Don't debate the consequences of your actions too much. I think you should express yourself, as someone who has a lot to give, and not use your actions to convey expectations to him.

Quote:

After we both spoke of wanting a new M, not the old one, nothing like we had, and giving it 2 months before re-evaluating.... I feel impotent as far as change. We are just tiptoeing around each other and barely seeing each other (secondary to work right now, but I doubt it would be much different if I hadn't worked this week).



Planning. Plan dates, create routines where none existed before. Communicate your desire to spend time together. When you say tiptoeing, I think fear. What are you afraid of?


“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ”
– Albert Einstein
Re: My Glass is Almost Empty, BI_43 part 2 [Re: MuddleThrough] #783855
08/16/06 06:12 PM
08/16/06 06:12 PM
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 485
northern ohio
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jacqm Offline
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Believing, I started writing you last night, then this morning, and now i have my work done and come here to write and i find that Muddle has done a better job of it!

I was going to say pretty much the same; that now its time to maybe have a talk with your H and VALIDATE his feelings, tell him you see the truth in it.

Like Muddle said, come up with some plans/goals for yourself...maybe explain to him your feelings and insecurity, but that you realize its time to put that behind you and grow from there.

As she said, why not build new memories and habits by date nights and special activities which might be a bit stiff at first but will gradually relax into fun.

Act as if.

there is a website that i've posted before that i find extremely beneficial: rejoice ministries
I get a dailiy email from them and so many times its just right on and what i desperately need to hear.

I was going to write you that maybe its time to let go your fears and wounds and give them to God to heal. Only God can make you AND your marriage whole again, so Let Him Do His Work. I would suggest Lots of Prayers and learning to submit it to God.

I can relate to your situation so much, not your marriage, as my H is still wandering, but your own emotional needs and background as i read on your blog. i have the same. I'd like to correspond with you more, but maybe off here would be best...would you like to email?
jacqm


jacqm 40 day countdown
Re: My Glass is Almost Empty, BI_43 part 2 [Re: jacqm] #783856
08/16/06 07:38 PM
08/16/06 07:38 PM
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 712
believing_isaiah43 Offline OP
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Ya'll, I have laid here with my eyes shut trying to will my brain to shut off so I could sleep. But alas. I have to wake up shortly for work. ugh. this night will be extra hard from 3-5 a.m.

Anyway, my head is pounding a bit and I'm going to reply better later on (hopefully from work, if it's a calm night). Just so grateful for you guys stopping on my curb when you're in the midst of your lives as well. Can't thank you enough.

Muddle, when I am less sleep deprived, I'm going to print out your post on my thread about specific plans, and bring it to MC tomorrow to start an action plan/routines for the next 2 months. The paradox again exists that I'm being a control freak if I need a plan? Is that pushing? but I agree we can't just sit and stare at each other (or avoid each other) and hope that some miracle will occur by Oct 4th with no real interaction.

Your insights on my motivations in the way I communicate to my H (and why) continue to astound me, and I will really want to sit with that and chew on it personally and figure out what I need to do to both let GO and still be in the picture, and have the right thoughts/self-talk behind each interaction. Gosh, you're just so helpful Muddle. I appreciate you.

Jac, a big hug to you as well for your insight and encouragement. (and you're reading my blog, that gives me some selfish comfort! I've gotten some anon. comments on it so I'm hoping it's reaching somebody somewhere). It's easier for me to post than email at this juncture, but clog my thread, girl. I'm all ears! (eyes?)

H called just now from pizza place with kids, and said they'll be bringing me home some for dinner before work. The last time he did something similar, I defaulted to saying "You don't have to, don't worry about me" and he later told me that kind of comment drives him insane and makes him not want to do anything for me. SO. Today when he told me about the pizza, I said "Thank you for thinking of me, I appreciate it" and his tone was a little less arms-length after that. Just a little. But I'm noticing the little things I can do, and I'm happy for that one God McNugget today.

I tell you what guys, that whole validating thing feels so forced, or fake-sounding. I am trying, I just wish I had a better stash of tools in the relationship toolbox.

More later, if I'm able, or at least by tomorrow. Virtual hugs to my posting (and lurking) friends, you make my days bearable, you really do.


Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19

If it seems slow in coming, wait.
It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3

Part 4
Re: My Glass is Almost Empty, BI_43 part 2 [Re: believing_isaiah43] #783857
08/16/06 08:18 PM
08/16/06 08:18 PM
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Posts: 485
northern ohio
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jacqm Offline
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Believing--
quote:
<<that whole validating thing feels so forced, or fake-sounding. I am trying, I just wish I had a better stash of tools in the relationship toolbox.>>

remember back when your kids were small and they were trying to help? remember how you had to praise every little thing they did to reinforce positive behavior, rather than giving [bad] attention to their bad behavior?

isn't this almost the same thing? would you like your H to constantly focus on the things you do wrong? can you imagine how you would feel if he started thanking you for all the littles things you did nice? Remember what they say, its the little things that count. and when we get fed up, its often a ton of little things that drive us nuts...that alone are so petty but when added together make one heck of a big wall.
we can praise the little things, or we can ignore them. praise is so much better, and makes us want to do even more.

just some random thoughts to redirect your feelings.
good luck at work!

jacqm


jacqm 40 day countdown
Re: My Glass is Almost Empty, BI_43 part 2 [Re: jacqm] #783858
08/16/06 08:28 PM
08/16/06 08:28 PM
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northern ohio
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jacqm Offline
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meant to say, think of it not as validating, but as acknowledging.
acknowledging someone's positive acts is good. its what we're supposed to do.
God says so.
whatsoever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things. Phil 4:8
What we fill our minds with will determine how we see things...including people.
as has been said here before, what we focus on, expands.
jacqm


jacqm 40 day countdown
Re: My Glass is Almost Empty, BI_43 part 2 [Re: believing_isaiah43] #783859
08/17/06 11:47 AM
08/17/06 11:47 AM
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MuddleThrough Offline
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Quote:

The paradox again exists that I'm being a control freak if I need a plan? Is that pushing? but I agree we can't just sit and stare at each other (or avoid each other) and hope that some miracle will occur by Oct 4th with no real interaction.



GH has often talked about taking risks, and I think this is one of those situations where you have to choose what you are willing to risk. If you DON'T do anything, you don't risk being a control freak, but you do risk feeling like you failed in your attempts to save you M because you didn't act. However, if you DO act, you risk being seen as a control freak. My vote is for the action. Doing something, anything, is at least doing something. You know, if for no one but yourself, that you acted to move closer to your goals. Once you have made that decision and moved towards your goals, you will realize that your choice to act has opened up a new range of opportunities that are not available to you now, and I would guess will not be if continue to prevent yourself from acting on your convictions. Be a part of your own miracle, that's my vote. Are you being pushy? Maybe, but this is something you want, so you should be. As far as I'm concerned, if your H sees this as something negative, it's because he WANTS to. You know what your intentions are, and he should too, so to see your actions/traits in a negative light he has to be motivated to do so for some reason. Maybe that's something that should come out in MC.

Quote:

The last time he did something similar, I defaulted to saying "You don't have to, don't worry about me" and he later told me that kind of comment drives him insane and makes him not want to do anything for me. SO. Today when he told me about the pizza, I said "Thank you for thinking of me, I appreciate it" and his tone was a little less arms-length after that. Just a little. But I'm noticing the little things I can do, and I'm happy for that one God McNugget today.



Great job - that sounds really promising. I think the cumulative effect of these changes will have a significant impact on H's opinion of you.

Quote:

I tell you what guys, that whole validating thing feels so forced, or fake-sounding. I am trying, I just wish I had a better stash of tools in the relationship toolbox.



I couldn't agree with you more. In my sitch, nothing I do is right, and it makes it almost impossible to hone my tools. I wish I could, and maybe someday soon I will have the opportunity to do so with my W, but for now I'm just doing what I can to cope with the situation as it is and grow as a person at the same time. Just remember that it's the struggle that makes us stronger, not achieving the goal.


“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ”
– Albert Einstein
Re: My Glass is Almost Empty, BI_43 part 2 [Re: believing_isaiah43] #783860
08/17/06 02:07 PM
08/17/06 02:07 PM
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Posts: 4,805
East coast
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cat03 Offline
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Hey girl, just wanted to let know I head your voice in my head Tues. when you posted once "Ya'll dont' snoop?" I almost turned around, but didnt, found out heavy evidence agaisnt my H and sent us in a hand basket to heck. Still rebouning, trying to at least, I see my C tomorrow.

You are so lucky your H at least TRIES to make some attempts at doing stuff for you, my H still has nothing to give me, and it hurts, but as my friend told me last night, I'll have God to fullfill those needs, the need of affection I crave so much from my H. Having WW3 like yesterday sent us back to -square 1.


Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2

30something
2kids
survivor of S, MLC, A, D
I have peace in my heart, at last.
Re: My Glass is Almost Empty, BI_43 part 2 [Re: cat03] #783861
08/17/06 11:34 PM
08/17/06 11:34 PM
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 712
believing_isaiah43 Offline OP
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believing_isaiah43  Offline OP
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sh!t, cat. I'm running to your thread tonight. will post before bed, i promise.
{{{{{{cat}}}}}}


Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19

If it seems slow in coming, wait.
It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3

Part 4
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