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#75956 07/09/02 10:23 PM
Joined: Mar 1999
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Tia Offline OP
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Hi folks!
Here is what Mary has to say on
loving and being in love. It
moved me. The message is: love
is a decision, and NOT a feeling.

Always,
/Tia

Mary
Member

posted July 08, 2002 06:42 AM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tia -

Your question about whether you were ever really in love intrigued me.

I make a distinction between loving and being in love. We often fall in love with the wrong people! Falling in love means very little because it's driven by brain chemistry: we are truly in an altered state when we're in love, and it doesn't mean diddly when it comes to making a lifelong commitment. It always fades - ALWAYS - and even though we may rekindle it in the context of a loving, committed relationship, and have very romantic moments with our loved one, the newness wears off and the brain chemicals can't maintain that crazy, head over heels sensation for long stretches any more.

Loving is the doing and the deciding and the committing. It's making someone else your top priority even when they're not very lovable. It too involves brain changes, but at a much deeper level - it has to do with bonding, becoming attached, and feeling like family. Some people have problems with this kind of love, and may not be able to be attached in a deep way. They may be perfectly capable of falling in love, but not capable of staying committed when the giddiness fades.

Being married has much more to do with the decision than the feeling. Marriage will NOT always feel good! Humans being humans, we will screw up and hurt each other. If it's not perfect, some people will think the grass is greener - but the problem, unless their spouse is cheating or beating them or committing crimes, is really more within themselves.

People who walk away from nice partners just didn't know much about how to LOVE, even if they were IN love. The marriage isn't supposed to make you happy. It can make you happier, but you gotta be a happy camper going IN to a marriage! Happy, content, ready to share your happiness with someone else, ready to take care of them when they're ill, ready to put up with their bad moods, etc. I think a lot of people think being in love makes them ready for marriage. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Were you ever in love? Sure you were! Does that keep a marriage together? Obviously not. Character, commitment, loving (even at those times when your partner isn't very lovable!), and keeping your word - THAT'S what keeps a marriage together

#75957 12/16/02 06:05 AM
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Tia Offline OP
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^^

#75958 12/14/04 06:47 PM
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