This is from Nicky, a near-walkaway wife ************************************ Okay, told KentS I'd post some positives in my R. I can see them, I really can... but for those of you who are following my thread to see what goes on in the head of a WAW, let me tell you a thing or two... when I see positive changes in my H, it initially makes me ANGRY. Oh I hide it very well because I said I'd work at this and I will... I mean, I've just about made myself a promise that I wouldn't leave regardless of how the DBing turns out because of our children... but I still get friggin' pissed off, because WHY NOW? Why couldn't he have done these things the first three times I mentioned stuff wasn't right? Even the first 100 times! Because back then I wasn't the least bit confused about how I felt about him-- I adored him and it would have just added to that feeling and I wouldn't have this friggin chunk of ice trying to thaw in my chest. Ya'll go on and on about how your Walk Aways are hurting you and why do they have to be so selfish, etc., etc.... well let me tell you the other side-- it hurts that it takes walking away (or, in my case, just about walking) to make ya'll realize that all the other times we said we were in pain, we really meant it. It would be like hearing your child say my tummy hurts and not doing anything about it until the poor thing's intestine ruptured... do you think that child is going to be jumping up and down to give you thanks because you finally rushed him or her to the hospital? I'm really not trying to rain on anyone's parade...I do admire each and every one of you who are working so hard to turn your marriages around... but I get tired of hearing the WAS's get villianized as if they just overnight lost their minds and decided to hurt everyone in sight. Maybe a few of them did... but I'd bet the majority were hurting for so long, they finally just decided to cut off the appendage rather than keep dealing with the pain. So when you question why they can't immediately get it that you've changed for the better, why you're having to deal with their confusion for eight months or a year-- it's because they have at least that much time's worth of pain surrounding their heart... and yeah, they had their share in causing the pain, but just like you get frustrated when you feel that you're doing all you can do and it's not enough... that's how they felt. Maybe they didn't have the tools that you have been given via DB, so they didn't communicate in the right way... but somehow,they were trying and felt just as pushed away as you all are feeling now while you're trying to reach them again.
So I have one piece of advice... please, please, please make sure the changes you are making are for real changes. Don't just do it to please the WAS, because that type of change tends to be temporary... and nothing will hurt your case with the WAS more than for them to discover that they opened up to you again in any way only to have you repeat the previous hurtful behavior. Make the changes because you truly believe that you will be a better person for it... and then be patient and understand that your S is confused and angry and hurting... and they aren't really trying to make your life a living H, they're just trying to figure out a way to stop the pain they are feeling... and right now, they truly believe (right or wrong) that YOU are the cause of that pain.
Believe me, I'm really not trying to come down on any of you or trying to make you feel guilty or anything. Really, I'm just venting-- but I also hope that my venting might help ya'll understand why your S's actions might seem a little bonkers to you.
Now I gotta go and do my assignment from KentS
The Divorce Buster
Re: Advice for spouses of Walkaways#75912 11/19/0102:21 AM11/19/0102:21 AM