Jamie had some really good advice. Here it is: ****************************** Hi My DBing Friends! For those not familiar with our situation, H and I have been separated for 18 months and have not initiated any legal action.
I'm a firm DB supporter and know that no matter what happens with my marriage I am a more centered and whole person since focussing on what I needed to do for me and my children. It was only when I stopped obsessing with my H's possible agenda and motives that I was able to see more clearly what productive changes I could make in myself and to then begin implementing them. From what I have read on the board, there is clearly a pattern of people seeing a turnaround in their situations when they realize that no matter what happens they will be fine regardless of what their spouses decide. I guess it is part of the letting go process that enables us to detach and abandon expectations of what our spouses should or should not be doing. My H needs to continue on his journey and work through some things, but I think he has gradually come to realize I am his friend and not the enemy he perceived 18 months ago.
I think one of the most common questions that people ask on the board is how long to hang in there and wait for their spouses to return or recomit. I guess my personal answer is that remaining open to reconciliation is very different from "waiting" in that you can make healthy choices for yourself and your children without closing any doors re. your spouse. Perhaps I mention this only because a friend just earlier today asked (after I mentioned some positive developments) "how long are you going to wait for him?" My explanantion might have been lost on her, but I knew, as most of us here know or are learning, that remaining open to reconciliation and having it as a goal is indeed very different from being frozen in time, pining by the phone waiting for him or her to announce their intentions, or watching endlessly for the front door to open.
I'm realistic I think in believing that there will likely be many more bumps ahead, but I feel stronger than ever to deal with them as they arise. I truly send you my thanks for helping me so much so far. I would have been one lost little puppy had I not stumbled on this board and met you! Jamie
When to give up is a personal choice. I'd like to share with you one specific example. /Tia
««I think David and I are on the same tour, we're not planning to quit until our spouses remarry. (Okay, unless someone even more wonderful comes along because WE are going to be such great people from all this LR-ing!!) Big hugs - take care of YOU Tricia
««If your efforts to save your marriage haven't been paying off, it's logical that you eventually start to question your motives for wanting your marriage to survive. I might do the same thing if I were in your shoes. It helps you to feel some sense of control and makes the hurt lessen somewhat.
However, from my perspective, unless there is physical violence or chronic substance abuse which is intolerable, I would prefer you look at it differently. There are lots of great reasons to try to restore love in a relationship, especially when there are children involved. Even if your marriage was lacking before the threat of divorce, there are good reasons to try to bring love into the marriage. You have been doing the right and honorable thing. You husband hasn't. You have been wise, your husband hasn't been. Rather than give up your morals and values and question why a person would want to save a marriage, I suggest you tell yourself that you've been nobly fighting for something that is worth fighting for. However, for some people, when the fight is unbearable, they decide that it's time to quit. That is an individual decision. If you're at that place, you are entitled to feel that way. You need to follow your heart- not because working on your marriage isn't worth it, but because your husband is currently too self-centered to recognize the benefits of making marriage work. That happens. There wouldn't be a 50% divorce rate if it didn't happen.
So quit if you must, but know that you were doing the right thing. You just weren't married to someone who uderstood this. Keep us posted.
