The following advice was about the importance of not threatening, begging or laying a guilt trip on your reluctant partner. It's great advice, follow it! *********** Ginny, I don't know that this is really going to help ('cuz I know exactly what you're feeling -- and how very hard it is), but I sure hope you can avoid the mistakes I made while my H and I were separated 'cuz they only prolonged our separation. Just as I'm afraid you may be about to do if you give in to your instincts...
I felt just like you do. We were separated for over a year; I filed for the big D after about 10 months hoping that would shake/wake H up -- 'cuz he wasn't making any moves to come home and I just couldn't take it any more. Daughter's grades were falling big-time; she was crying at night. I was in such pain, but most of all just wanted to get on with my life -- with or without H (but, hopefully, with).
Anyway, I tried to tell him how much I hurt, how much our D hurt, all the usual stuff. But you know what? He didn't hear it. He heard instead that I was pleading, begging, etc., etc. (which I wasn't doing, thought I was stating facts in a nonconfrontational manner). But he heard what he heard and interpreted it as "more of the same." That I hadn't changed at all (even tho I, of course, TOLD him I had ).
Anyway, after I shared my feelings with him, you know what the result was? It actually prolonged our separation! He said later that he'd been thinking about coming home just before those episodes, but when I started in on the pain, our D, etc., he decided he just couldn't do it. That he didn't want to return to the same old situation at home.
So, my words of advice??? NO MATTER WHAT YOU'RE FEELING TODAY, only show him happiness and contentment. Show him someone he will want to return to. If he doesn't see her in you, then it will only take longer -- and your pain will continue that much longer.
So, go out, take a walk, exercise, scream, cry hysterically, or whatever, BEFORE he comes over. Work those feelings out the best/however you can. Then, when he arrives, be pulled together, "serene" and happy. Tell him what a wonderful evening you had last night (even if it sucked), that you're really looking forward to this next century, and that you hope he had a good time, too. (Be mysterious about what you were up to if you can.) Don't even think about what he might have been doing with his date. Remember, he might not have done anything other than go on a "date." But even if he did, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it -- EXCEPT use it as a way to show him the changes you are making, by being positive, upbeat and supportive.
I know this sucks. I know how hard it is. But I also know that it was only when I stopped showing my H how much I cared, how much pain I was in, etc., that my H decided to come home. So, please, use my experience to shorten your own?
Quoting davedave: I was describing to one of my brothers what Divorce Busting was all about. Very simply= get a life! If your spouse likes what he/she sees and comes back, great. If not, well, you have to go on. Isn't life better if you enjoy yourself?
My W and I are "separated"= she moved into another bedroom in August. Since then, no sex, no nothing. We've gone to a movie once and a play once. (She goes out every week with girlfriends.)
I have been working on me since reading DB. I agree with the idea of doing those ILY "things". We were at the point where we hardly spoke- and then the tension was so thick! I've done little things= shining her shoes before she goes out, making sure that there's windshield wiper fluid in her car, etc. I don't talk about US. I don't pry about where's she going when she goes out. (I do go a little crazy on the inside, but I make a point of not showing it.)
The result? She was going to move out after the first of the year. She's still here. She was going to find a job with someone. She decided instead to come work for ME. She calls me "honey". Sometimes I can hear her singing "David, I love you" in the bathroom when she doesn't think I'm around= she used to do that all the time before she went into her Mega-midlife crisis. (We've been married 26 years= she turns 50 in April.)
I think "subtle romance" is the way to go. Don't pursue- don't crowd- don't pry. Enjoy your life and be a friend. He/she was attracted to you once. Why? Were you a pathetic loser back then? No!
The hard part? Time. Sometimes I just want to scream and pound the walls- when will this be over??? Of course, the answer is= who knows?
I made a medieval village= part of an exhibit for a lecture I do annually at our local high school. The people are half an inch tall= all hand painted (with a very tiny brush!) There are houses, animals (including birds and rats= all to scale), trees, etc. People who see it ask how long it took to do= Hundreds and hundreds of hours over six years. I would do a little for an hour or so- a little here and a little there. The point? You can't remake your R in a few days or a few weeks or a few months- but you have to start somewhere!!! I see now that getting my wife back- IF I DO- will be the result of little things done over a long period of time. Is it worth it? Hell, yes! Is it going to work? Who knows?
Anyone have any ILY ideas?
JJ
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