I just finished reading your final post in "do a 180" and I am at a loss to accurately express the feelings and deep emotions that are filling my heart and brain right now.You and I have shared several posts reagarding my situation and I believe now that I have found the missing piece of my plan that will hopefully allow me to win back my life and my wife. I have been participating at this site for about 7 months. I discovered Michele's book by browsing Amazon.com and was immediately taken by her sensible get the job done approach. The basics of her principles are very straight forward to understand but not so straight forward to deliver correctly. I have been working on my 180 for about 7 months now and can report that it has made a difference. The biggest problems for me are a lack of patience and a failure to recognize that letting my needs creep into my efforts only slows the whole process down and frustrates me even more. You and I have speculated about an unscientific model for how long anyone who enters this process can expect to take before having any chance for success. I do believe that a good rule of thumb is 1 month of genuine change is necessary for every year of marriage. If it took 15 years(as in my case) of getting it wrong it probably will take 15 to 18 months of hard work to have a chance of getting it right. If I could alter Michele's DB book in just one way it would be to advise the readers of the effort of raw time that is necessary to win back a heart that has been wronged. Every set back and backslide in my efforts has a direct correlation to my impatience. I see even the smallest positve from my wife and I'm ready for full reconcilliation. It just doesn't work that way.
I have been able to get through the last 8 months of my wife's virtual seperation from me because I care, I believe that change can make a difference, and because I have been able to find truth and wisdom in this site. I could never find the words to say to everyone who have unknowingly inspired me and saved me on many days when I wanted to quit and take the easy path through divorce.
I never imagined how much effort and time would be necessary to create a chance to succeed. No wonder the divorce rate is 50% plus! This is easily the most difficult challenge of my life. I pray every day that I can find the strength to continue.
For what it's worth I have compiled my personal summary of the mandatory DO's and DON'T's of this process. I found all of these to be true, unavoidable, and necessary to have any chance for giving birth to a new relationship after an old one died. I hope this list helps any new comers who discover this site and feel the same despair that we have all felt.
MANDATORY DO'S WHEN DIVORCE BUSTING 1. Be patient. Time is an assest even when it seems to be killing you. 2. Listen carefully to what your spouse is REALLY saying to you. 3. Learn quickly that anger is your enemy 4. Learn quickly to backoff, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out. 5. Take care of yourself. Exercise, sleep, laugh, and focus on all the other chances in your life that are not in turmoil. 6. Be cool, strong, confident and speak softly. 7. Know that if you can do a 180, your smallest consistent actions will be noticed much more than ANY words you can say or write. 8. Read as much as you can on this subject
MANDATORY DON'T's WHEN DIVORCE BUSTING 1. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more then ever in your whole life and are desperate and needy. 2. Do not focus on your self when communicating with your spouse. 3. Do not believe any of what you hear and less then 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute neagatives because they are hurting and they are scared. 4. Do not fall into the "green eggs and ham" trap. (see Dr. Suess for clarity) 5. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 6. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
These are the one's I've learned so far. I've also lived everyone of the Don't's so far. Some more then once. I encourage others to add to the list.
