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Joined: Feb 2006
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Hey LL,

Sorry, haven't been on much... And sorrier to hear about the little soldiers. Ugh. H does sound like he is pretty unhappy. What are the chances of MC? I've forgotten if he is just totally opposed.

Anyway, I still think it would be a good idea for you to understand your legal options, even if you don't want to take the step of confronting H with them. I really think it is important to feel some freedom in your R, to not feel totally trapped. I don't see how you can ever have a chance of feeling better about the R otherwise.

((((((((((LL))))))))))

Oldtimer


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HMMM?

this seems to always happen but how to make it work for me. It seems that when I reach a point of teetering on the edge of giving up h seems to come around. No, still no physical intimacy but it does seem like he starts to put a bit more effort into getting home a bit earlier, talking to me a bit more and heck I even catch him looking at me.

Does this make up for everything or the lack of anything? No, but it does make me feel better about the potential for a fullfilling r with h. Now if I could only figure out a way to keep him in that mode without having to constantly be standoffish with him because that's not the way I want to be.

LL

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Sometimes it really seems like our partners can read our minds doesn't it. As soon as you couldn't give a flying f&&k anymore H notices and starts to act more interested in you. You can't change him, you don't want to change yourself - in other words you don't want to change yourself into a queen biatch who couldn't care less.

I wish Cobra would post on your thread he can usually figure these things out. But mho would be that your H has a fear of intimacy. And it is this fear which keeps him distant from you and makes him interested when you seem less "available". You don't fear intimacy - you want it. So what to do? Really I wish I knew.

I'm like you LL I have my love languages in pretty much the same order as you do and my H has his in pretty much the same order as your H. There is nothing he craves more than peace and quiet, solitude. There is nothing I crave more than cosy fireside chats - followed by raunchy sex I have learnt to leave him be otherwise he gets crabby with me. Then when he has had his fill of solitude (after about 2 weeks to a month) he will start to cosy up to me, have a little chat (usually about his stuff ) and start making his moves on me. Whoopee! Then we have another few weeks of drought. Sorry but this just isn't enough. I've tried everything I can think of but at the end of the day I guess I just have to accept that that's him. When I leave it this way for a while things go more smoothly between us if I try to get more he just gets grouchy, irritable and a PITA to live with. It's a part-time M as far as I'm concerned.

take care

Fran


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Hi LL,

Glad (I guess) that H is being a bit better... How can your respond to this in a different way than you have in the past?

It seems like something new is called for so that you can try to break the cycle that has been repeated so often.

Don't warm up too quickly -- give him space to want to come to you and to come to you. Let him figure out that he wants that himself.

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LL,

I saw Fran’s request that I respond to your post, but frankly I didn’t know what to say. Your’s is a tough situation because I see this as an MLC issue. Your husband left once, I assume because of “MLC” and then you “let” him come back, right? He never “got over” his MLC and is still seeing someone else.

The problem with MLC is that the spouse has already pulled the trigger on the bomb, and having once done so and come back, will be more comfortable doing so again (or at least that is your worry). If he realized the leaving was the wrong thing, that he almost lost you and that thought scares him to death, then I don’t think he would still be seeing someone else. So I will assume he will not fall to pieces at the thought of leaving again. That puts you in a very hard spot since you have little left under your control.

But I think that is really the driving issue behind MLCers. They are angry and frustrated from years of avoiding their issues and have learned to project blame onto others. In short, they seriously need validation from others to avoid confronting their faults. At some point they reach a boiling point when the spouse gets fed up with taking all the blame and refuses to give back that validation they need. So the MLCer resorts to drastic action in order to be heard and get things back under control. Because they cannot or will not confront their own issues, they create a cycle of blaming their problems on their spouse, who in turn becomes defensive (recognizing the projection going on), and the MLCer only gets angrier because s/he is not being acknowledged.

This is why the approach explained in that post by Lou titled “Hope for Couples in Crisis” on Happy Giant’s thread seems to be what is needed. It is also in line with what CeMar is recommending – to use Dr. Laura’s approach. Both of these basically involve re-enmeshment, at least as I see it. This gives comfort to the MLCer. I think it would be difficult for a spouse to do since it essentially means the spouse must once again accept blame for the problems of the MLCer and also tell the MLCer how wonderful s/he is. If the spouse has become resentful too (which is likely since both partners should be equally differentiated), s/he may not be able to do this.

In my opinion the trick as to find a way to get the MLCer into therapy after s/he has returned, and before the spouse gets so fed up s/he leaves. All of this is just my opinion and how I see the MLC dynamic.


Cobra
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