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#561964 12/16/05 12:04 AM
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LL,

seriously, how much NPD have you read up on? The more you write the more it reminds me of something I read on it.


#561965 12/16/05 12:09 AM
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(((LL)))

I'm sorry you are tired out. I understand.
Maybe you should ask yourself if you are really doing the right thing for the kids. What I mean is, if having your H. back is going to make you very tired, very unhappy, etc., is that really the best way for you to feel around the children? I know it is scary to think about being a single mom; my sister is a single mom. Heck, I'm scared about possible D. and I don't even have children caught up in this mess. But you have to remember that long term, your mental well-being is the most important thing. And you don't sound happy that your husband is back.

Sending you a big hug.


Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
#561966 12/19/05 09:16 PM
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noticing trends in a relationship is often a good thing as it helps to keep the r in the direction you want.

Trouble is the trend I notice is that when I'm at my wits end...losing hope that anything is salvageable...thinking h is a loaf and will never change...complaining to myself and others about how horrible things are THAT is when I suddenly see a glimmer of hope...that is when h suddenly starts doing a bit more around the house...attmepting to spend bits of time with me...being more personable.

UGH!

how to have these things that I want occur without me becoming a misserable biatch to get them.

How to have these things blossom into more without presenting the idea that they aren't enough when well..on the whole they aren't enough they are but a glimmer of what could be with a bit more effort.

Do I have to be a biatch to get what I want?

LL


#561967 12/20/05 01:35 PM
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Quote:

Do I have to be a biatch to get what I want?



If you want my honest opinion - NO, you don't. And I would disagree that being a bitch actually HAS gotten you what you want, because you are here; because you are unhappy; because you are nowhere near where you want to be. So while you equate being a bitch with seeing results, I would seriously question that equation and see if it is really true. . .

Just because you get a reaction which is somewhat nearer to what you want, does NOT mean that being a bitch works, that it gets you what you say you want. IMHO, your equation is wrong, LL. Which always leads me back to thinking that you need to look within, to ask yourself some hard questions, and to stop pointing fingers at H.

LL, I'd really recommend two books by Susan Jeffers for you. I re-read them both often because there is so much in there of value - and when I do, I often think of you in parts. They are Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway and Opening Our Hearts to Men . This last one is really more about Love, then about loving or pleasing men.

Happy Holidays, LL. Here's hoping 2006 finds us happy, healthy and on our way...

-H2H

#561968 12/20/05 09:54 PM
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Hey LL,

I'm so sorry you're still struggling like this. You deserve better. Anyway, two thoughts for you...

1) Honest, open anger is much more attractive that sullenness, resentfulness, and passive aggressiveness. Maybe that is why things improve a bit when you consider yourself a biatch. But, then when things improve, you maybe try to swallow your feelings to keep things on an upward trend and that backfires? just a thought...

2) Sorry, but get real. Your H is not asexual. He had an affair. You have kids. He jacks off. He is watching porn with the boys, doing who knows what in the basement, and engaging in some sort of activiting that causes him to stain his shorts during business hours. I'd lay odds that your H has his own little sex world that you simply are not a part of -- whether it is in his head, porn, strippers, phone sex, hookers, or an A. There is no way for you two to be intimate -- emotionally or physicvally -- when he is conducting his sex life in his own little private, no doubt guilt-ridden, world. I thought my XH was asexual too, but the truth was what I am suggesting to you. I bet he loathes himself. He sees sex as dirty because his sex life is dirty and he projects that on a possible sex life between you two rather than dealing with his own demons or even letting you know they exist. Your stories and denial are just a little too familiar. Maybe I'm wrong, but I seriously doubt it. Very seriously.

Thanks for all your help way back when... My life is wonderful these days and I don't really post anymore. But, I do check in on a few people from time to time. I actually wanted to email you privately, but I can't find your addy. If you feel like it, you can email me at acorndb@yahoo.com.

Hugs,
Acorn

#561969 01/09/06 08:42 PM
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<< bump >>

Hey LL, how are things? It's been awfully quiet on your end.

-H2H

#561970 01/10/06 03:59 PM
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Quote:

<< bump >>

Hey LL, how are things? It's been awfully quiet on your end.

-H2H




Hey H2H,

things have been the same...mediocre at best. I've not bothered to post because it doens't seem to get me any closer to where I want to be.

Starting to think that this is the best it gets with h.
I could ramble on about how I feel or how things got to this point but then I'd just sound like a WAW...I feel very stuck. I don't like the state of my m but I'm not ready to leave it...I fear nothing will ever change between h and I and I will eventually leave.

it's been 4 months with absolutely no physical intimacy...no cuddling, kissing and certainly no sex whatsoever. of course that's just a symptom...the rest of the r is very roomatish...h seems content with it that way.

LL

#561971 02/01/06 07:35 PM
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Hi LL,

Thought you had gone quiet for a while. I guess sometimes it's easier to deal with the situation by trying not to think about it too much

Quote:

Do I have to be a biatch to get what I want?




Yes LL you do. It's called setting boundaries and it feels like being a biatch because that is something you are not used to doing. It is something I'm not used to either and as a result my H walks all over me, gets exactly what he wants from me. Because he behaves like a pig when I don't do the things he wants so I do the things which mean he won't behave like that. I have been piss poor at doing the same thing to him.

You know how sometimes when you set a boundary for your kids you feel like mean mommy from hyell but you know you have to do it so they learn what they can and can't get away with. It's the same thing. And it's hard and we all hate doing it but I guess we have to. Have you ever noticed how all the real biatches have their men eating out of their hands?

Sit yourself down (I'm going to do this too) and make a short list of the things you will and won't accept from H then whenever he crosses the line bring on the Biatch in all her fury. Doesn't mean you can't be a sweetie-pie when he's nice.

take care

Fran

p.s. I have been hanging out in SSM if you want to come visit.

Last edited by haphazard; 02/01/06 07:36 PM.

if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs
Erica Jong
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